Part 18 (1/2)

Almost time to close the polls, but the inspector kept the box open twenty minutes after sundown to receive the votes of sixteen promiscuous rascals, who had been habeas corpused from the Tombs, and who voted every man for Hoggs.

Polls closed; intense excitement; bonfires built; squibs, rockets, guns and Chinese crackers; liquor scarce, the candidates having cut off the supply as soon as the voting was over.

Crowd sat down in bar-rooms and engine-houses, and crowded about the secret rooms to get dispatches; about twelve o'clock they began to come: it was soon evident that Noggs was beaten, Boggs was distanced, and Scroggs was nowhere; it was Hoggs everywhere; Hoggs in the street; Hoggs in the tavern; Hoggs at the bonfires; Hoggs for ever; no one but Hoggs; triumphant Hoggs; victorious Hoggs; high-old Hoggs, the people's choice.

This morning Noggs's typographical organ announced the utter ruin, and speedy annihilation of the country, under the destructive rule of Hoggs, and it a.s.serted that honor, honesty and truth had left the nation; patriotism and decency had deserted hand in hand, and that the outraged G.o.ddess of liberty had taken off her night-cap, pinned up her skirts, put on a pair of cowhide boots, and bidden eternal farewell to fallen, degenerate Columbia.

On the other hand, Hoggs' papers rejoiced over the defeat of the allied armies. Bade Noggs, Boggs and Scroggs an affectionate adieu, and consigned them to oblivion; and then rejoiced that they had chosen a ruler so capable as the glorious Hoggs, the proud, far-seeing, generous, liberal, independent Hoggs, who guaranties to the people their daily gin, and nightly riots. Hoggs, the magnanimous--Hoggs, who stands up to the popular creed--unlimited whiskey--Hoggs, who remains true to his alcoholic instincts--Hoggs, who battles for the people's rights--Hoggs, who has so n.o.bly earned the t.i.tle bestowed upon him by the lager-bier shops, whose liberty he has secured, and the whiskey dens whose morality he has vouched for--HOGGS, ”defender of the Faith, and leader of the Faithful.”

P. S. Hurrah for _Hoggs_.

P. S. Junior.--And unlimited whiskey.

x.x.xII.

Police Adventures.--Mayor Wood around.

Having made myself so exceedingly useful to the party in the last election, I thought it not improbable that the party might not be indisposed to make itself useful to me afterwards.--Was undecided what office to ask for, but thought I would like to be an M. P.

I have so long admired the public usefulness of those blue-uniformed men, chained to big bra.s.s stars (as if they were members of some locomotive K. N. Lodge), who stand on the corners, borrow the morning papers of the newsboys and munch gratuitous peanuts from the apple-women's stalls, that I, too, felt a desire to serve the city by wearing a broadcloth suit, carrying a lignum-vitae club, and drawing my salary on pay-day.

I have often noticed the alacrity with which they pilot unprotected females across the street, boost them into stages, or land them, dry-shod, on the curb stone as the exigencies of the case may require--the ferocity with which they crack their whips at tardy omnibus drivers--the courage with which they attack the street-sweeping children, and small-sized apple-women, and the diligence with which they get the legs of their pantaloons dirty, endeavoring to keep the course of travel uninterrupted in the streets.

Having an innate love of courage and n.o.ble deeds, (my father was Captain in the artillery,) I could not but look with admiration upon the chivalrous manner in which four or five of them will undauntedly lay hold upon a single man, if _very_ drunk--and the courageous valor they display in fearlessly knocking off his hat, intrepidly twisting their fingers in his neck-cloth, unshrinkingly stepping on his toes and kicking his s.h.i.+ns, and stout-heartedly rapping his knuckles with their hard wood clubs.

Emulous to rival such doughty heroism, I made application for the situation of policeman, ”Z., 785,” which position had been vacated by the chief, in consequence of the late inc.u.mbent having got drunk at the corner grocery, and p.a.w.ned his uniform and star to get money to bet on a rat-terrier.

There were thirty-six applicants of various nations, for the post--soon saw that Yankees stood no kind of a chance--so swore I was an Irishman, and proved my birth by carrying a hod of mortar to the top of a five story building without touching my hands--after that had more of a sight, but found I had a powerful rival in the person of a six foot Welshman, a rod and a half across the shoulders, with a fist like a pile-driver--both swore we were ”dimmycrats.”

They asked us what we had done to secure the election of the regular ticket.

Welshman said he had voted twice, built bonfires, carried flags, torn down the handbills of the opposite party, and that just before the time for voting was up, perceiving a crowd of our opponents about the polls, he had raised an alarm of fire and got an engine company to come tearing through the crowd and scatter them so that they couldn't get their votes in before the doors closed.

Now came my turn--told them I had got up six free fights, challenged fourteen whig voters, knocked the hats over the eyes of eight of them and changed their tickets in the confusion, thereby making them vote for Hoggs, when their bread and b.u.t.ter depended upon the election of Noggs.

Swore also that I had voted in eight different wards, (three times in the 46th by the aid of a red wig and a pair of false whiskers)--and also that I had a.s.sociated with me in my operations, a genteel party of eleven Dutchmen, made them all swear in their votes at every place I did, and at three o'clock in the afternoon, when lager-bier had done its worst, and they were so far overcome with their patriotic exertions, that they couldn't hold their heads up, I locked them safely in a barn, so that the whigs might not find them, drown them with a sober hydrant stream, and put them through the same exercise all over again.

Told them I had finished the day by getting up a row in the office, breaking the inspector's spectacles with a brick, and slipping into the ballot-box sixty-three votes for Hoggs before he got the gla.s.s out of his eyes.

Welshman couldn't talk so fast, and so they decided that I was the best qualified, and had the strongest claims.

Got the appointment, had my uniform made, was presented with a star and a club, and entered upon the performance of my duties.

Was stationed at the corner of Maiden Lane and Broadway, to keep the street clear--endeavored to do it--express-man's horse fell down--tried to get him up--ungrateful horse--very--turned over suddenly, threw me down--spoiled my pantaloons, and bit a long piece out of my coat collar.

Got him up at last, and while the driver was reloading his vehicle, tried to put on the gearing--never tried to harness a horse before, don't think I could do it well without practice.