Part 36 (2/2)

'What? Trunco? But he has no heads. Not a single head does he have. Zero on the shoulders.'

'We've been through this, Zaphod.'

'Not in the past twenty minutes, we haven't. And you know what my retention is like.'

'I'm surprised you retained retention.'

'Exactly. Right, LB, enter the coordinates for my const.i.tuency.'

'You don't have a const.i.tuency and if you did it would be the entire Galaxy.'

'Well take me to the centre of the Galaxy then. If Zaphod Beeblebrox is back, people need to know it. I need to throw up at a club, have liaisons in a toilet. Possibly go on a realty reality show.'

'I think the first order of business is to get the first degree felony charge reduced to a second degree. That way you can run for office.'

'Good thinking, LB. Who do we pay off?'

This time Left Brain consulted his data banks. 'Improbably enough, Spinale Trunco.'

'Old Trunco. There was something about him...'

'No heads.'

'Not a one. b.a.s.t.a.r.d.'

It took Left Brain a few seconds to hack into the presidential security detail's schedule.

'Trunco is currently relaxing at his stable compound on Jaglan Beta.'

'Then we go to Jaglan Beta.'

Left Brain squinted while he beamed the coordinates to the Improbability Drive. 'You know Trunco hates you, Zaphod? You might need something a little more tempting than that sack of gold I scanned you with.'

Zaphod gave Left Brain a thumbs-up, and it took the disembodied head a moment to realize that there was something on one of the thumbs. A tiny horned helmet.

'I might have something to bargain with,' said Zaphod.

s.p.a.ce Thor had pulled in to an asteroid to try and connect with Zaphod, and was sitting in a little pocket of oxygen on the surface when he switched over to the incoming call. He didn't actually need breathable air, but it did help stave off migraine, plus it made talking on the phone a lot easier when he didn't have to dig into the magic well just to make his voice heard in s.p.a.ce.

'Thunder G.o.d here,' he said into Mjollnir's handle. 'Talk to me.'

A little golden head appeared on the hammer's head. 'Hey, thunder girl, what's up?'

'Bishop. Nice to see you. There's quite a lot up, actually. I have a flock now. Genuine believers. There's maybe one warrior in the bunch, but it's a start.'

The chess piece took a pull on his cigarette. 'That's great, Thor, and I'm calling you with more good news.'

'Really? What?'

'It's about your video,' said Bishop. 'It's at number one with a couple of billion hits. A regular Sub-Etha sensation.'

Thor's heart sank. 'When are they going to let that go? I dress up in one bustier and the Universe never forgets.'

'No. Not that one. The new one with you clobbering the green guy who insulted everybody. Apparently there are a lot of people thrilled to see him getting his comeuppance.'

'Number one? Really? That's fantastic.'

'Yeah. Lovely hammer action, by the way, leading with your body like I told you. You're back on top, my friend.'

Thor grinned hugely. 'This is great. Call Dad and Mom. Call everyone. Big session in my hall tonight. I want mead and pigs and beef and virgins.'

'What about squid?'

'No. No squid. But whatever else you can get, and make sure the Valkyrie get an invite.'

Bishop punched the air. 'The Thunder is back,' he said.

'That's right,' said Thor. 'The Thunder is back.'

He hung up, took off, then turned round and smashed the asteroid from sheer exuberance.

Hey, said the spirit of Fenrir. That was my tooth That was my tooth.

The Business End Business End Constant Mown lay on his bunk, staring at his own face in the Barbie mirror.

'You did the right thing,' he told himself over and over, though he did switch the sentence structure around a bit to fool his subconscious into thinking it was hearing something new.

'It was a good thing you did. The right thing.'

Then, 'What you did back there. That was totally right. A good thing.'

The face in the mirror, inside the pink plastic frame, was friendly but worried. He had saved the Earthlings, it was true, but there were many species on the to endanger to endanger list, and that list, and that taxpaying citizens taxpaying citizens trick would only work as often as it was legal which would not be very often, now that Prostetnic Jeltz had experienced it once. trick would only work as often as it was legal which would not be very often, now that Prostetnic Jeltz had experienced it once.

That will be the first thing he checks from now on. Who are these people we are about to obliterate?

'You will find a way,' said the face in the mirror, a face that looked almost kindly without the drool cup.

Mown never left his quarters without his drool cup now. The last thing he wanted to look was kindly, which could be seen as a symptom of evolution. As a matter of fact, Mown had added a foot crimper to his wardrobe after the Twinkletoes comment on the bridge. It didn't do to be too sprightly on a Vogon deck.

'One day we will dance,' he said to his reflection.

'One day we will sing,' said the face in the mirror, and then, 'It was the right thing to do, what you did back there. Right and good.'

His father's voice erupted from the speaker over Mown's bed.

'Constant! I have some planetary council or other on the line claiming that because of their leap year system, we haven't given enough notice of their enforced destruction. I need you to take a look at it.'

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