Part 34 (2/2)

Fortunately the Vogon Bureaucruiser decided to absent itself from real s.p.a.ce in a charming display of blue hyper-engine pyrotechnics. One second it was there, and the next whizz pop bang whizz pop bang it was gone, leaving nothing but a short-lived cloud of exhaust plasma in its wake. it was gone, leaving nothing but a short-lived cloud of exhaust plasma in its wake.

'Ae again when he is needed.'

'Now you're getting it,' said Zaphod.

'The Lord Thor will communicate with his people only through me!'

'I can pretty much guarantee that. Whatever Hillers says, that's what Thor, who saved us, wants you all to do.'

'And if we don't?' asked Aseed.

Zaphod frowned and ballooned his cheeks as if the very idea was ridiculous. 'Then Thor would be most unhappy. And so would his hammer.'

Hillman squinted at the crowd, hardly daring to hope that anyone would swallow this slapdash s.p.a.ckle of religi-babble. He was surprised to find not a single garden or household blade headed his way. Aseed had his hand in the cheese bucket, but even he was holding off for now, thinking about it.

They're not going to kill me, realized Hillman. 'Thanks be to G.o.d.'

'Not G.o.d,' said Zaphod pointedly. 'Thanks be to Thor.'

Hillman smiled, then went for the big finish.

'Nano called for a sacrifice,' he said, balancing on the pedestal. 'Nano called for a f.e.c.kin' martyr...'

The word 'f.e.c.kin” was subsequently bleeped from the video record of this little speech because, after Hillman's martyrdom, everything he had said during his first life suddenly became infinitely more important and laden with wisdom.

The next thing Hillman said was: 'Hurrkkkaarrrkshhhhhhh,' though the 'shhhhhhhh' at the end may have been escaping gases, for at that moment a nose-cone of torpedo debris, that Thor had evidently missed, tumbled from the sky, striking the Sean the Boxer statue a glancing blow on the noggin, loosening the screw treads around the waistline of the two-part sculpture and sending the left glove spinning clockwise to deliver a devastating roundhouse blow that literally cut Hillman in two.

'Oh, b.a.l.l.s,' grunted Hillman, followed by the last words of his current lifespan: 'Coming, Nano.'

Historians deleted the first phrase but kept the second, which was misinterpreted so many times that fifteen thousand years later a third-grade student misspelled it and accidentally arrived at the correct meaning.

12.

There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'. Rollit Klet, the Dentra.s.sis independent film director-c.u.m-chef says in his memoir, Fish or Film: The First Cut is Mine! Fish or Film: The First Cut is Mine!, 'What you think is the happy ending is actually a brief respite before the serial killer that you thought was dead gets back up and butchers everyone except the girl with the biggest b.o.o.bs, who dies first in the sequel the following year.' Or as Zem of Squornsh.e.l.lous Zeta succinctly put it: 'The mattress never stays dry for long.' However, the number one most over-used quote on the subject of endings, happy or otherwise, comes from an old man who lived on a pole in Hawalius who said simply that: 'There is no such thing as an ending, or a beginning for that matter, everything is middle.' The quote ends on a more rambling note: 'Middles are c.r.a.p. I hate middles. Middles are all regretting the past and waiting for something interesting to happen. Middles can go zark themselves, as far as I'm concerned.' Generally, the pamphlet people only tend to print the first sentence, with perhaps a picture of a nice whale-toad in the background or maybe a couple of sunsets.

Barely a week had pa.s.sed since the aborted Vogon attack and already people had forgotten how lucky they were to be alive, and were back to worrying about the big issues of the day, like wasn't there anything that could be done about the late afternoon haze that drifted in from the ocean and why hadn't anyone thought to bring more peanut b.u.t.ter from Earth and what was that sharp smell outside the creche and maybe it would be nice to have a larger planet because this artificial gravity was making some of the old-timers ill.

Hillman Hunter sat at his desk reading through the day's complaints, wondering why he bothered hiring a G.o.d in the first place. A lot of these bin-fillers were supposed to be settled with fire and brimstone or hammer, whatever the case may be. Hillman could see the very real benefits in having an absentee G.o.d who only communicated through his representative, but did Thor have to martyr himself so soon? Couldn't he have spent a few weeks on civil service duty before making the ultimate sacrifice?

That's not to say martyrdom did not have its advantages. Since Hillman had been brought back from the dead in the Heart of Gold Heart of Gold's medi-ward, everyone had been a whole lot more willing to accept that he was Thor's representative on Nano. The new legs helped.

Hillman was doing his best to be pious and wise, but every minute of every f.e.c.kin' day dealing with red tape was driving him out of his mind. Plus the scar tissue around his middle was itching worse than a bull's a.r.s.e.

I am Hillman Hunter, Nano. I am a Christopher Columbus-type figure, with the colony founding and whatnot. I can't be stamping forms and sorting out domestics.

His intercom buzzed and a hologram of his secretary inflated on his desk.

'Yep, Marilyn. What's the story?'

'The story is that your first appointment is here.'

Hillman was almost relieved. Arguing with real people was marginally better than getting upset with sheets of paper.

Might as well get the steamers on the shovel, he thought.

'Okay, Nano. Send them through.'

Marilyn frowned. 'Sorry, Hillman. What did you call me?'

f.e.c.k, thought Hillman.

'For Nano!' he said hurriedly. 'It's the new official slogan. What do you think?'

'Good. Yes, fine,' said Marilyn, in a tone of such insulated boredom that Hillman was surprised she had heard him misspeak in the first instance.

That's two lines I've sold people in a week. First the Thor thing, now this.

Arthur Dent and his daughter, Random, came into the office and of course the girl sat down without waiting to be asked.

That girl even sits sulky, thought Hillman. But she's a smart one. But she's a smart one.

'Sit, Arthur, please.'

'Thank you.'

'For Nano!' barked Hillman, thinking he'd better throw one into the conversation every now and then.

That's the thing with bulls.h.i.+t, his Nano used to say. You have to keep piling more on. You have to keep piling more on.

'Pardon?' said Arthur, bemused.

'It's our... ah... new slogan. Rally the people and all that. For Nano!'

'When would you use it?'

'I don't know really,' huffed Hillman. 'Collecting the crops, crossing the ocean, that kind of thing. Heroic stuff. What do you think?'

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