Part 33 (1/2)

Arthur actually smiled. 'Hey, sarcasm. Well done, mate, you're learning.'

Something on Ford's Guide Guide pulled him out of the conversation. He pinched a section of screen and expanded it. pulled him out of the conversation. He pinched a section of screen and expanded it.

'What the zark is that?'

Arthur shouldered in for a look. 'Another horse?'

'No. No holograms for this beauty. Look at the size of that torpedo. I've seen smaller asteroids.'

Arthur attempted to pull together the folds of a dressing gown that he wasn't wearing.

'Thor will swallow it though, won't he? He's a G.o.d. No problem, right?'

'It's not headed for Thor, Arthur.'

'Let me guess.'

'Don't bother.'

'Righto. Do you still have that joystick?'

Nano's Upper Atmosphere Truth be told, Thor was showing off a little in the twilight: throwing pirouettes into the routine, freefalling through the gauze of noctilucent clouds, exposing plenty of bronzed thigh for all the ladies watching. To ensure maximum dramatic effect, he smote the torpedoes in time to 'Gathering of the Vindleswoshen'.

This is too easy, he realized. Much more of this and the viewing figures will dip. Much more of this and the viewing figures will dip.

Then his immortal tympanum detected a different engine whine. The low chug of a small jet pus.h.i.+ng a big load. These Vogons were trying to slip something past him.

Thor dispatched the final horse/torpedo with a perfunctory hammer swipe then cast his gaze about the darkening sky. His G.o.d-O-Vision spotted an edged glint swooping in a pot-bellied curve towards the city of mortals below.

Those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds are going after my pay cheque.

Up to this point, Thor judged that he had been pretty benevolent towards these bureaucratic invaders. Okay, he had shredded their hardware, but no one was floating in s.p.a.ce sucking down lungfuls of vacuum. Well, after he'd clobbered this sneaky new bomb with considerable sangfroid, perhaps he would send Mjollnir to punch a few holes in the Vogon hull.

Thor folded his arms across his chest and dropped through the aurora of Nano's ionosphere like a rocket-charged stone through high g g. While he could not actually be in two places at one time, Thor could most certainly move from one spot to another faster than almost any other being in the Universe.

Guide Note (brief so as not to ruin the flow): Thor was actually the fifth fastest being in the Universe. Eighth without Mjollnir to steady him. Number one was Hermes who mainly used his divine speed to pinch Ares's nipples and then run away. fifth fastest being in the Universe. Eighth without Mjollnir to steady him. Number one was Hermes who mainly used his divine speed to pinch Ares's nipples and then run away.

Thor felt the frictional reaction with the air molecules curl the tips of his beard hair. He was going about ninety-five per cent flat out. There was a little more in the tank, but at those speeds there wasn't a camera in the Universe that could capture his image.

The new torpedo curled in below him, a ma.s.sive chunky series of rough cylinders with one small jet doing all the pus.h.i.+ng. Thor sniffed but he did not recognize what kind of explosive he was dealing with. The smell reminded him a little of the stink from his own clothes after a night spent boozing past a black hole's event horizon, but not quite the same.

What is this thing?

It didn't matter. Even if there wasn't a single bead of explosive inside, the impact crater alone would be far bigger than the city and the shock metamorphism would liquefy a good section of the continent. So if any mortals did survive the explosion, they would only live long enough to be engulfed by lava.

Thor touched down on the torpedo's fuselage and clambered along the shaft towards the nose cone. There was no urgency now as he had several seconds before impact, an eternity of time for a G.o.d of his abilities.

Should I toss the payload into s.p.a.ce, he asked himself, leaning into the wind. Or should I nudge the entire thing off course into the ocean? What would look best on camera? Or should I nudge the entire thing off course into the ocean? What would look best on camera?

Thor sucked on the tip of his moustache as he remembered something Zaphod had said.

I wonder...

The Business End Business End 'Detonate the QUEST,' ordered Jeltz.

'Yes, Prostetnic,' said the gunner.

Forgive us, Mown broadcast to the Universe. We are Vogon We are Vogon.

Nano By now the mammoth torpedo was clearly visible to the naked eye, swooping relentlessly towards Innisfree, laboured jet stream sputtering behind like Morse code.

'Dot dash, dot dash dot,' said Ford. 'I think the whole thing reads: ”Arthur Philip Dent is a jerk and complete a.r.s.ehole.”'

Arthur was too tired for his irritation to have much force. 'Is this the time for jokes, Ford? Is it really?'

It seemed as though the entire population of Nano was crowded into John Wayne Square. All colours and creeds united, either by something that could be called the human soul or their paddle-less state in the creek of s.h.i.+te they were currently mired in.

Random sidled up to her father and linked his arm. 'This planet could have had a future,' she said. 'I was going to represent the people.'

Arthur squinted at the huge column of destruction thrumming their way.

'Your mother is going to kill me,' he sighed, then lifted his eyes as a collective 'oooooh' rose from the crowd.

Now that's something you don't see every day, he thought, resorting to cliches in his amazement.

Thor was walking along the giant rocket. Underneath it.

Random put her head on his shoulder, for the first and possibly last time. 'Are we saved, Daddy? How many times can one group of people be saved? Surely the Universe doesn't have many more chances for the Dents?'

Ford squeezed between them. 'One more, at least. So far as I know, nothing can kill a G.o.d.'

Then the QUEST exploded. Sort of.

This was not a conventional explosion, in the sense that if one was expecting the traditional blast, bang, kaboom blast, bang, kaboom favoured by movie directors and RPG writers the Universe over, then one would feel slightly cheated. There was no blast wave, no flame, no flying debris, just a loud favoured by movie directors and RPG writers the Universe over, then one would feel slightly cheated. There was no blast wave, no flame, no flying debris, just a loud whoomph whoomph and the ballooning of a perfect cuboid of green material. The material crackled and flexed, picked up a little cartoon interference from a local satellite network for a few seconds, then split into sixteen small cubes. and the ballooning of a perfect cuboid of green material. The material crackled and flexed, picked up a little cartoon interference from a local satellite network for a few seconds, then split into sixteen small cubes.

Ford said what most people were thinking: 'Those cubes are pretty small. A lot smaller than Thor.'

The cubes popped one by one in rapid sequence, and what debris was inside them rained to the earth as grey ash. Thor was gone.

'I've got that joystick here somewhere,' said Ford, rummaging in his satchel. 'And a couple of sea-dragon eggs. May as well go out singing.'

Something twinkled in the sky over Zaphod's head.

'Look! Do you see that?'

Hillman did not answer, as he had decided he was not talking to Zaphod f.e.c.kin' Beeblebrox.

Zaphod was off running across the city centre parking zone.

'Souvenir!' he called over his shoulder. 'Souvenir!'