Part 26 (1/2)

'And these nails,' said another. 'They just keep growing. Every day it's the same. Come back, Jasmin. Please come back.'

Buckeye Brown had a baleful glare triangle going on. First he looked down at his shoes, then over at Buff Orpington and finally at a tall, tanned man sporting red trunks and flip-flops with an emergency whistle clamped between his teeth.

Head and shoulders above these people stood the Thunder G.o.d.

I can bring these mortals together, thought Thor. One G.o.d. One faith. The more people that believe in me, the more I can charge. And I bet one of those girls could do a nice beard braiding One G.o.d. One faith. The more people that believe in me, the more I can charge. And I bet one of those girls could do a nice beard braiding. No sooner had this happy thought formed in his mind than the old insecurity came flooding back. It's going to be a disaster. The Sub-Etha people hate me. No matter how sensitively I kill this immortal fellow, all they're going to see is the negative. It's going to be a disaster. The Sub-Etha people hate me. No matter how sensitively I kill this immortal fellow, all they're going to see is the negative. Thor shrugged. Thor shrugged. I may as well get a few braids in, it might lift my spirits. I may as well get a few braids in, it might lift my spirits.

On the far side of the scorched circle, Wowbagger was feeling lightheaded and giddy. The moment had finally arrived when he could kiss this corporeal realm goodbye and good riddance. Several lifetimes' of suffering were almost at an end.

I think this guy could do it, thought Wowbagger. I'll get him a little riled up with some choice comments and he'll hit me with the big piledriver I'll get him a little riled up with some choice comments and he'll hit me with the big piledriver.

Thor certainly looked as though he was up to the job. Power came off him in waves and he was shooting practise lightning bolts at a bunch of volunteer cows who were providing moo-ving targets.

He's the one. I can feel it.

But there was an uncomfortable thorn in Bowerick Wowbagger's moment of celebration. The Earth woman, Trillian Astra, had changed him.

My heart pistons are pumping like crazy. I'm off my food. I have zero interest in insulting people. It's almost as if I have a virus, but I don't get viruses.

Wowbagger knew what had happened. The dark s.p.a.ce had taken a speck of attraction and amplified it until it seemed to him that he was in love.

Is that what happened, really? Couldn't I just be lucky for once? For a change?

Doubtful.

The lady in question was standing by the fence, arguing with her daughter. Also, remember, Bowerick old man, if you take the woman, you take the child too. Also, remember, Bowerick old man, if you take the woman, you take the child too.

And, surprisingly enough, that didn't bother him too much.

There's always the tube, though Trillian wasn't so impressed with that solution the last time.

Wowbagger waved across the meadow and Trillian waved back.

Waving. I can't even remember the last time I waved at someone.

Trillian finished the row by turning her back on Random and stomping across the field, her high heels puncturing the earth with each footfall.

'That girl,' she said, punching Wowbagger's forearm. 'She knows how to get me going.'

'What's she saying now?'

Trillian's face was pale, except for two apple-red spots on her cheeks. 'Anything she knows I won't want to hear.'

'It's just the dark s.p.a.ce talking. It will pa.s.s.'

'I don't think so. Random hates me and everything I love. I think if I had ever loved Arthur, she would hate him too.'

'You never loved him?'

'No. I just felt I was getting old and his were the only human swimmers available.'

'I see.'

'I left her before. I didn't really mean to, it just happened. So she hates me for that.'

'Surely, she doesn't hate you?'

Trillian nodded sharply. 'She does. She says that I made her miserable. And if she can't have a husband, why should I...'

And then Trillian decided to stop speaking, half a sentence too late.

Wowbagger coughed once in surprise, then had to cough several more times to cover for himself.

'I've scared you?'

'No. Not at all. Can I presume you were referring to me as potential husband material?'

There were tears in Trillian's eyes. 'Yes, but it was just talk. You've dreamed about this moment for so long and I have nothing to offer you but hards.h.i.+p. This life is for Random, I've promised her. You go ahead and kill yourself, don't worry about me.'

'It sounds selfish when you put it like that.'

Trillian wiped her cheeks. 'No, I understand perfectly. You've had a terrible time being immortal in that wonderful s.h.i.+p of yours. Drinking beer and insulting people, not to mention being incredibly handsome and charming. It's been h.e.l.l for you, I realize that.'

'You make it sound glamorous.'

'Wasn't it? I seem to recall you being linked to several starlets.'

'That was just physical. Those females meant nothing to me.'

This is historically the third worst things to say to a female of any species.

'They meant nothing? Why not?'

Wowbagger spread his arms. 'How could they? Even as we mated, they were growing old.'

There's number two.

Trillian's eyes flashed. 'Growing old. We all grow old, Bowerick. Believe it or not, I'm growing old too.'

Wowbagger realized that his lack of intimate communication over the years was doing wonders to increase his chances of dying alone in the very immediate future.

'You may be growing old,' he said desperately, 'but you have years left before you're too old to reproduce.'

And there's number one. Badabingo. Green stick in the green hole.

Zaphod and Ford were reunited in a flurry of complicated Betelgeusean ritual handshakes that neither of them could ever remember past the second under-arm squelch.

Ford abracadabra'd a couple of sea-dragon's eggs from his satchel and mixed them both a c.o.c.ktail.

'I love opera,' he said, when the effects had worn off. 'It goes so well with drinks. A pity we didn't have some blood sludge to nibble on.'