Part 24 (1/2)

Sure. Absolutely. Who-church?

That's my boy.

tiny voice: Fenchurch. Never forget.

Ford I can go for eight minutes without blinking. Eight minutes, surely that's some kind of record? Not blinking is so relaxing. I was a little relaxed before I boarded this s.h.i.+p, but now I am positively comatose, or is that comma toes? Which would make sense because my toes do look like little commas, which is quite a scary thought for some reason.

Beer, beer, wonderful beer. The more you drink the more you fear.

Goosnargh! I've been a fool. I know what I have to do. I need to write something for the Guide Guide about this s.h.i.+p in case the publishers ever manage to oust those Vogons. My goodness, it will be a sensation. How many mortals can have travelled inside the about this s.h.i.+p in case the publishers ever manage to oust those Vogons. My goodness, it will be a sensation. How many mortals can have travelled inside the Tanngrisnir Tanngrisnir? I don't know. Not many, I bet, and the next one to manage it will be pretty relieved to find a comforting and informative entry in The Hitchhiker's Guide The Hitchhiker's Guide. Right. What to submit. Something concise, don't give those b.a.s.t.a.r.d editors much to play with. But stylish. Something that says 'Ford Prefect' all over it and yet captures the essence of such a cool, golden s.h.i.+p. My last submission was a little wordy. So cut it down. Get straight to the issues. Immediately to the matter at hand, directly point bound. Relevance on the horizon, captain.

Ahah! I've got it. There is only one word that encapsulates both my spirit and that of this wonderful vehicle. One beloved term, equally popular among the old groans and the young grins. A collection of syllables as beautiful as it is useful: Froody.

They gathered on the bridge to watch the descent towards the new blue planet.

Ford stepped close to a curved wall and it bubbled into transparency.

'I wanted the wall to do that,' said Ford, grinning. 'I thought it and the s.h.i.+p did it.'

The view was undeniably spectacular and even Wowbagger took his eyes from Trillian's profile for a moment to appreciate the expanse of waves, flecked with golden sunlight, flas.h.i.+ng past below the prow.

'It is... nice,' he said in the tone of a Blaslessian parolee who has just had his taste buds returned to him after a twenty-year stretch. 'Yes. Nice.'

Trillian wrapped her arms around his bicep. 'Nice? It's fabulous, spectacular. I thought you were supposed to have a way with words.'

'Not the good ones,' said Wowbagger, smiling. 'I have had no need of them for some time, thanks to all those jumentous mortals. Present company excepted.'

Random brushed past, accidentally accidentally bas.h.i.+ng Wowbagger with her elbow. bas.h.i.+ng Wowbagger with her elbow.

'Most of the present company excepted.'

Random smiled sweetly. 'I would just like to say, Mr Wowbagger, that I really hope you die today, just like you want.'

'Random!' said Trillian, shocked. 'What a terrible thing to say. And anyway, it's not going to happen. Zaphod Beeblebrox never followed through on a threat or a promise in his life.'

Wowbagger smiled down at her. 'Don't worry. It's the dark s.p.a.ce. People's emotions get amplified; they say things they don't mean. She'll settle down.'

'Don't count on it,' said Random, scowling.

But Trillian wasn't listening. People's emotions get amplified People's emotions get amplified, she thought. They say things they don't mean They say things they don't mean.

'Oh my G.o.d,' said the computer excitedly, suddenly sounding like a teenage fan girl. 'It's Thor. On the other side of the island. I'm picking up Thor, I don't believe it. I wonder does he remember me?'

Wowbagger's brow tightened. 'Are you sure?'

'Of course I'm sure, silly. I've got over a million matches on the facial software.'

'Don't be cheeky, computer, just set us down.'

'Where? Beside the Thunder G.o.d?'

Wowbagger turned away from Trillian. 'No. Set us down here. I need time to think.'

Good, thought Trillian. I need time to think myself I need time to think myself.

Good, thought Random. I need time for my special delivery to arrive I need time for my special delivery to arrive.

Cong 'Zaphod Beeblebrox,' said Hillman, as though the name itself was a curse, which on several planets it had indeed become. 'Zaphod f.e.c.kin' Beeblebrox.'

Zaphod was reclining on a sun lounger in the plaza, two boots off, three sleeves rolled up.

'You keep saying that, Hillman. As though me being here is a bad thing instead of the solution to all your problems.'

'The solution to all what problems?'

'What problems do you have?' said Zaphod equably.

Hillman drummed his fingers on the table, something he hoped the waitress would notice and for G.o.d's sake come and take his order. He stopped in mid-drum.

'Well, we have no waitresses for a start. They're all down on the beach colony with the personal trainers. And they took all the booze.'

Zaphod reached for his boots. 'Well, it's been great chatting to you, Hillman. If you could just point me in the direction of this beach colony.'

'It's all your b.l.o.o.d.y fault, Zaphod. Everything was fine until the western towns.h.i.+p showed up. Tyropolis, can you believe that name? Their staff revolted even before ours did.' He poked a finger at Zaphod. 'Do you realize that some of the good people here are forced to do their own colonics? What kind of civilization is that?'

'Every new society has teething problems. You need to work through them with diplomacy and alcohol.'

'Teething problems? That nut job Preflux is a bit more than a teething problem.'

Zaphod tried to hold in a giggle, but it shot out his nose.

'What's so funny, Beeblebrox?'

'Oh, nothing.'

'No, please share. I insist.'

'It's just that you called Aseed Preflux a nut job.'

'So what. He is is a b.l.o.o.d.y nut job.' a b.l.o.o.d.y nut job.'

'If he is, so are you.'

Hillman frowned. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Well, he is you and you are him. Don't tell me you haven't noticed?'

'That's a load of horse manure,' said Hillman, but there was a plate of cold dread in his stomach that knew it was true.

'The western towns.h.i.+p? Tyropolis? That's you guys from another dimension. I made a bundle off you the first time, so I thought, hey, why not do this again. I was on my way for a third group when BOOM, here come the Vogons.'