Part 9 (1/2)

Fenchurch's face disappeared and Arthur stepped tentatively into the stall.

'No peeking.'

'Four fifty-nine, Arthur Dent. Four fifty-eight...'

'Okay. I'm in, I'm in.' Arthur glanced around. 'Won't I need a towel?'

'Whatever for?' asked the computer.

Arthur barely had time to wonder what kind of shower he was in before dozens of glowing lasers shot from crystal nodes set into the walls, bathing him in crimson light.

Arthur's first thought was that he had been lured into a death cubicle, but when he opened his mouth to scream, a laser shot inside and sc.r.a.ped his tongue. He lifted an arm to cover his mouth and another laser trimmed and buffed his fingernails. The laser scrubbing was thorough and not altogether unpleasant once Arthur relaxed and accepted what was happening. Dirt and skin cells were sloughed off and collected by a recycling vacuum in the tray. He selected a hairstyle from a v-catalogue and his scalp tickled as the lasers coiffed his locks.

'Smile, please, Arthur Dent,' ordered the computer.

Arthur complied and his teeth were whitened by a jittering beam.

I feel good, Arthur realized. Better than I have in years Better than I have in years.

The cloud of skin, hair and grime settled and Arthur stepped from the cubicle to find a suit lying on the bed. As soon as he saw the suit, Arthur cringed. It took him a minute to figure out why.

'b.u.g.g.e.r me,' he breathed. 'Eaton House.'

It was his school uniform from preparatory school, complete with striped tie and green cap.

Fenchurch appeared on the wall. 'Do you feel good, Arthur Dent?'

Arthur covered himself with a handy pillow. 'Eh... Yes. Yes, I do. Can't I have something else to wear?'

'You dreamed of this, Arthur Dent. So I made it in your size. There are no more clothing credits for this cycle. Is there something wrong with these garments?'

Arthur ran his finger along the green jacket's crimson lapel.

'No. Nothing wrong wrong, I suppose. It's just that this is a school uniform.'

'It is clean.'

'Yes, I know.'

'Free of viruses and dust mites.'

'Good point, but hardly age appropriate.'

'And it has nostalgic value. I have helped you to recapture your youth, Arthur Dent. Don't I get a thank you?'

'I suppose so.'

'You suppose? Holy s.h.i.+t!'

'Okay. All right. Thank you.'

Fenchurch was miffed. 'After all I have done for you. The twenty-twenty vision and the kidney stones.'

'What?' said Arthur, alarmed.

'Didn't you notice your improved vision? I fixed your retina. Also, my scanners detected a cl.u.s.ter of kidney stones, so I pulverized them.'

Arthur closed his good eye and realized that his other eye was also a good one.

'That's amazing. Shouldn't you have asked?'

'Should I? Wowbagger allows me independent choice in basic health matters. If you step back into the cubicle, I can return your eye to its original state.'

Arthur blinked and appreciated almost instantly that he enjoyed being able to see properly very much indeed.

'No. No, Fenchurch. I like this twenty-twenty thing. Thank you very much.'

The computer smiled. 'You are welcome, Arthur.'

'And the kidney stones. An entire cl.u.s.ter. That would have been painful, I imagine. So, thanks for that too.'

'And the clothes?'

'Perfect,' said Arthur graciously. 'If you would just make yourself scarce, I can put them on.'

'Feedback star?'

'Go on then.'

'Thank you, Arthur.'

Fenchurch fizzled out and Arthur put on his school uniform.

Could be worse, he thought. Could be short trousers Could be short trousers.

'Thank you, Fenchurch,' he whispered.

Arthur b.u.mped into Trillian in the corridor.

'Blimey,' he said, taken aback. 'You look fantastic, Trillian.'

'Really, Arthur?'

Arthur Dent had that particular English personality defect where he dissected any compliment he gave shortly after giving it, effectively hobbling himself.

'I mean... you always look fantastic. It's not that you didn't look fantastic before. You look extra-fantastic now. Mega-fantastic, I suppose I should say, seeing as we're in s.p.a.ce and all that.'

Trillian wore a smart electric-blue trouser suit and wedge boots to her thighs.