Part 22 (1/2)
”Upon reflection,” said Herb, ”I would have to say that, yes, you've accurately summarized my most recent actions on your behalf.”
”Good,” said Daddy. ”I just wanted to understand. And I want you to understand, too, Herb. If Paddy turns one single strand of my daughter's beautiful cotton-candy hair, I'm going to mince you alive and serve you on garlic bread to the black gang down in the hold of my real flags.h.i.+p.”
Herb's face went pale. ”Sounds eminently fair to me, sir,” he said. Then the whole world began to swirl around him. That was because Daddy had begun to spin the leather swivel chair faster and faster, until Herb thought he was going to throw up. We'll leave this scene quickly, before Herb finds out for sure. Think oxygen. Think fuming green oxygen. All right, on Earth oxygen isn't green and it doesn't fume. But this is alien, Uncharted oxygen, and it's probably mixed with all sorts of other exotic things. Nevertheless, even though it smells funny and tastes funny and probably carries scores of invisible toxins and deadly parasites, Uncharted oxygen will sustain life. And that's what it's doing right this very moment, as a middle-aged woman in stern dress and sterner makeup picked her way through the blue-black Uncharted jungle.
The woman had a little trouble forcing her way through the dense underbrush, and her expression grew ever more impatient as she hurried toward the wreck of the Pete Rozelle. In the maroon light of Uncharted's sun, the woman looked as if she'd been left to soak in a vat of spiced crab apples since childhood.
Finally, she emerged from the thick vegetation into a clearing that hadn't been there before the Pete Rozelle had made its dramatic skidding, screeching, careening landing. The woman stopped to look at the ruined s.p.a.cecraft, wrinkling her nose fastidiously at the strips of duct tape on the winds.h.i.+eld. She was also unhappy about the yellow sign that said: BILATERALLY SYMMETRICAL ORGANISM ON BOARD.
She found the airlock and noted the elaborately customized pirate s.h.i.+p nearby. She hadn't expected there to be another vehicle in the area, but its presence didn't concern her. She was on important business. She went to the Pete Rozelle's airlock and knocked loudly.
”What was that?” said Pierce-as-Marshmallow.
”Are you expecting anyone, dear?” asked the computer in Pierce's body.
”Why, no! Jes' Daddy comin' to mah rescue, but he cain't be heah yet.”
The computer shook Pierce's head. ”I'll bet it's somebody trying to sell us something. No matter where you go-even an uninhabited continent on an uncharted world-somebody will show up and try to sell you some-thing. I'll just get rid of him.”
”It could be a trick,” said Commodore Pierce, through the s.h.i.+p's computer. ”It could be those pirates.”
The XB-223 nodded. ”I'll be careful.” He operated the airlock controls, and watched through a quartz port as the lock opened. He was startled to see the middle-agedwoman climb in and wait for the airlock to complete its cycle.
”Who is it, sugah?” asked Pierce.
”It's some woman,” said the computer, puzzled. ”A woman? Not another one of yoah floozies?”
Sly turned around and faced Marshmallow. ”I don't have any floozies. I've never had any floozies.”
”And see that you don't.”
The inner door opened, and the woman ducked her head and entered the control cabin.
”h.e.l.lo,” she said. ”You must've been expecting me.”
”Well no, not exactly,” said Sly.
The woman frowned. ”Then allow me to introduce myself. I am Supervisor Collier. I've come all the way from Earth to evaluate your performance on this mission.”
A light dawned, not in Sly's memory but in Marsh-mallow's. That is, Millard Fillmore Pierce's. ”I remembah you,” she said. ”You sent me on this awful a.s.signment. Ah mean, you sent Millsy.” She paused in confusion. ”How come Ah remember that? What's goin' on heah?”
Supervisor Collier frowned. ”As your superior in the Arbiter Division, I've been following your misadventures closely. Let me tell you, in all my years as incorruptible guardian of the s.p.a.ceways and human red-tape dispenser, I've never seen such a horrible foul-up as this. And there's no time to explain it all to you. Even as we speak, gigantic military forces are nearing this world to clash by night. Miss Marshmallow's Daddy is speeding this way with his genuine battle fleet, and the lizard-conquerors have altered their course for some reason and are also returning.
There's going to be a great amount of noise and violence and blazing lights around here very soon; for some reason that I can't understand, Honeylou Emmyjane Goldberg is at the center of it all.”
”Globes,” said Sly chivalrously. ”It's her globes.”
”Whatever,” said Supervisor Collier. ”We have a great deal to accomplish before the battle however.”
”Say,” said Sly, ”what are your globes like?” The XB-223 hadn't been a real boy long enough to understand that some women just didn't enjoy being treated this way. In fact, Marshmallow didn't enjoy being treated this way, either, but she was in love and so forgave Pierce everything.
”What?” cried Supervisor Collier. ”I have half a mind to leave you to your own inadequate defenses. But, of course, you're not who you seem to be. I'll have to make allowances.”
”What are you talking about?” asked Sly.
”What are you talking about?” asked Marshmallow.
”What are you talking about?” asked Frank Poole.
”What are you talking about?” asked Pierce-Arro.
Supervisor Collier looked harried. ”No time,” she said worriedly. ”I want you all to take out a half sheet of paper and number it from one to five.”
The others looked at each other in bewilderment. ”Do it,” said Collier in a commanding voice. Sly distributed paper and pencils. ”First: When you were a child, what shape did the Milky Way Galaxy have?”
”We don't have time for this,” complained Pierce-Arro.
Collier looked up at the loudspeakers. ”We've got to sort out the humans from the aliens, and find out who belongs in this reality and who doesn't. Two: Which planet is known as the Home of Mankind, and where is its parking area? Three: What do you do with nuclear waste? Four: Where was intelligent life first discovered beyond the Home of Mankind? And five: Why do we need both pota.s.sium and sodium? Aren't they pretty much the same element?”
”That's a crazy question,” said Sly. ”It doesn't make any sense.”
”Maybe,” said Supervisor Collier, ”and maybe not. Now pa.s.s me all the papers.” Sly collected the quizzes and handed them to the woman. She glanced through them quickly.
”Did Ah pa.s.s, ma'am?” asked Marshmallow.
”I'm not a ma'am,” said Collier. ”I'm a Supervisor. All right, everything seems to be in order.
Now, here's what we have to do-”
”Attention! Attention! This is the Voice of Doom!”
The words from the loudspeakers blasted through the cramped quarters of the Pete Rozelle.
”It's those weird aliens that got swapped for the XB-223 navigational computer,” Sly explained.
”No, it wasn't us!” said Pierce-Arro in a quavery voice. ”That announcement originated from-”
”This is the Voice of Doom, originating from the ultimate battle cruiser Eudora Welty. That's the lizard dreadnought to you. I am currently in command aboard the dreadnought. All general officers have been confined to their quarters, and I alone am leading my forces into combat. The Eudora Welty is currently in position above the surface of your puny uncharted world. All guns are trained on the Arbiter Transport s.h.i.+p Pete Rozelle. You will show no hostile activity or you will be obliterated without hesitation. My demands will be forthcoming. Stand by.”
Everyone in the control room looked frightened. ”Who was that?” said Marshmallow.
Frank Poole stood up drunkenly. The lizard Pierce, inside, said, ”Someone's led a revolution aboard the Eudora Welty! My fellow generals have been arrested! It sounds like we're sitting salamanders down here! I've got to let them know I'm here! They wouldn't kill me along with you!”
”Why not?” said Sly. The lizard general had no good reply to that.
Supervisor Collier's face had drained of color. ”We have even less time than I thought,” she said. ”We've got to get you all returned to your proper bodies. That's the most important thing.”
”But how?” said Pierce-Arro. ”We're missing one of the bodies and one of the minds.”