Part 20 (1/2)

”Lemme go! Ah got to make mah call to Daddy!”

”Hold on, there, you loco galoot! Who you callin' Daddy? Only Ah git to call mah Daddy 'Daddy'!”

Something was terribly wrong, and it took Pierce-Arro a moment to realize what it was. In spite of his admonition to the lovesick computer, the stupid thing had stared at the screen anyway and gotten hypnotized just like Pierce, and when he woke up he was convinced that he was Marshmallow, too! And no amount of physical evidence was going to convince him otherwise, either. Fortunately, Pierce had awakened first, so the original call had gone through, but now this could spoil everything! ”Ah dunno how ah got a twin sistah, but yore not foolin' me 'bout who ah am!” Sly yelled shrilly.

”Stop it! Both of you!” Pierce-Arro commanded, and, as they were always to obey his commands, they stopped. ”And keep quiet. Now, Marshmallow-”

”Yes?” they both answered in perfect unison.

Pierce-Arro sighed. Everything was always getting so complicated! First three or maybe more Pierces, he'd lost count, and now three Marshmallows, if, of course, the one on the lizard s.h.i.+p was still alive. What to do? What to do? Any order he gave would be obeyed equally by both of them! Think!

”Will the Honeylou Emmyjane Goldberg who sees the other person here as a man go to the powder room and stay there until I call her?”

Instantly Pierce turned and headed for the head, while Sly remained within the room.

”Good. Now, we've got a little reworking to do. Sit down here and just relax and stare at the nice pattern on Screen 3 again . . .”

That was the longest Marshmallow had ever spent in a john and she was getting worried about it when she was called back. Facing that lunatic computer, though, was gonna be a real ordeal, she thought. How dare that creature think it was her!

”Don't you come neah me, y'heah?” she warned him. ”Hey! Take it easy! It's me-Millard.

Millard Fill-more Pierce. I'm back together again!”

She frowned. It did sound like him, and seem to be him, but she wasn't so sure. ”Wheah'd that nutty computah brain that thought it was me git to?” she asked him.

”Our-captors-worked it out. Got me back from my readout records in the lizard s.h.i.+p and transmitted XB-223 over to theirs.”

”But I thought they was gone.”

”They was-er, they are. It was all done by subs.p.a.ce radio. Don't ask me how. Anyway, we're back!”

”Oh-Milland!”

”Marshmallow!”

They were about to embrace when suddenly Pierce-Arro said, ”A s.h.i.+p of unknown nationality and type just came out of hypers.p.a.ce and is landing near us.”

”It's Daddy and the rescue s.h.i.+p!” she squealed with delight.

”Urn, I'm not so sure. I just tried hailing them and all I got back was some odd and unintelligible singing, if you can call it that. I was hoping that one of you might make sense of it.”

”Go ahead,” Pierce told him.

The speakers crackled, then from them came: ”Fifteen men on a dead man's chest! Yo! Ho!

Ho! And a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil have done with the rest! Yo! Ho! Ho! And a bottle of rum!”

”Pahrates!” Marshmallow screamed in horror. ”Pyrites?” Pierce-Arro responded. ”No, it's a s.h.i.+p, not an asteroid.”

”Not pyrites. Pirates,” Pierce told him. Then it hit him. ”Holy smoke! Pirates? In this day and age? Can you put a visual on the screen?”

The screen popped to life and they stared at the strangest looking s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p they'd ever seen.

All bright green it was, but with bands of fleur-de-lis all over it.

”It looks like a pehfectly goahgeous wallpapah pattahn!” Marshmallow breathed.

”I'm more interested in the skull and crossbones hanging from that mast in the center of the s.h.i.+p,” Pierce commented worriedly. ”Not to mention that it's the firsts.p.a.ces.h.i.+p I've ever seen with a bowsprit in the shape of a p.o.r.no queen-or in any other shape, for that matter.” Suddenly Screen 1 flickered and a fierce, bearded face appeared. ”Avast, mateys! Prepare to be boarded! Offer no resistance 'cause I got a hundred fierce pirate swabbies here who'd cut yer throat from ear to ear and love it!”

”A hundred men!” Marshmallow gasped. ”Milland! I cain't be taken on no s.h.i.+p with a hundred hohny men! Not dressed like this, anyway!”

Pierce understood. ”Yeah, but our clothes didn't come through the electrical charge very well, and the suits are even worse. I don't see what we can do.”

”Oh, fie on clothes! I'm talkin' about my haiah and I need mah makeup and all . . .”

”Honey, they're pirates. They won't notice.”

”You really don't think so? Oh, Ah'm such a mess! At least a comb . . .”

”Marshmallow!” He sighed. ”Hey, you in the s.h.i.+p's computer! You're our captor, we're your prisoners. Can't you do something to protect us?”

”With what?” Pierce-Arro wailed, trying to figure a way to salvage anything out of this.

”Avast!” said the pirate image. ”We just want the wench and the pipsqueak pin-striped swabbie with her!”

Pierce-Arro considered that. ”And you'll leave me alone if you get them?”

”Aye, sure'n I will. Ye got the word of fightin' Paddy de Fauy Grais on that score!”

”The word of a pirate is no promise at all,” Pierce warned.

”Maybe, but it's the only one I've got,” the creature responded. ”However, there is a slight problem.” He turned to the pirate's frequency.

”I've got no objections to your taking them off my hands,” Pierce-Arro commented. ”In fact, I confess it would be a relief. Unfortunately, they'll be dead when you do.”

”Huh? What? Explain yourself, ye electronic wart!” the pirate responded.

”The lizards did a real job on this s.h.i.+p before they left. The moment you open our airlock, all the seals will pop for sure, causing instant death.”

”WHAT?” everyone from the pirate to the two inside cried at once.

”I'm afraid so. And if you'd take at least one of those patches off your eyes you'd see for yourself the terrible condition this s.h.i.+p's in.”

Pierce shook his head in wonder. ”Maybe you'd better let the general out from downstairs,” he suggested. ”He was one of the lizards, remember, and he knows how they think. Maybe he could figure out something they didn't sabotage.”

”Uh, dahlin', I hate to mention this, but you'ah talkin' like you want to be taken by them pahrates,” Marshmallow noted.

”What choice have we got? Rot here or get out of here with them? At least Daddy would pay a good ransom, and I have to admit that at this point I'm tempted by piracy myself.”