Part 17 (1/2)
”Boys, boys,” said Roosevelt placatingly. ”Let's not lose our heads over this. There's lots of victims for everyone.”
Bolivia thought it over for a moment, then shrugged and nodded. ”What the h.e.l.l,” he said, walking over and joining the lizard marksmen. ”I suppose it doesn't really matter as long as the job gets done.” ”That's the spirit!” said Roosevelt. ”Now let's get this show on the road.”
”Please, sir,” said Feinstein. ”We're not under your jurisdiction for another thirty-eight seconds. Men!” he added in a shrill voice. ”Let's get this show on the road!”
”They're going to do it!” muttered Pierce unbelievingly. ”They're really going to do it!”
”I suppose it's too late to go back to being a navigational computer?” whined XB-223.
”All right, men!” cried Feinstein, raising his rifle to what pa.s.sed for his shoulder. ”Ready!”
”Are you open to a counteroffer?” asked Pierce plaintively.
”Aim!”
”I gotta go to the bathroom,” said Marshmallow. ”FIRE!”
”C'mon, Chalker! If you drop all the unnecessary things like eating, sleeping, family, and the like, you can write this in a few days and we'll make our deadline.”
”Don't bug me, Resnick! I've just came off finis.h.i.+ng a 350,000-word serial novel immediately after another biggie and I'm just bushed. I've got tickets to Europe and a month without computers, modems, faxes, or phones, and I want my life back!”
”Oh, yeah? And what's all that when we can have a hardcover, huh? Besides, who cares about Europe? If you don't finish your part quick I won't make it to Africa!”
The entire a.s.semblage froze and looked around in puzzlement.
”What was that?” Feinstein asked at last.
”It-it sounded like an argument among the G.o.ds,” Pierce-Arro responded, awed.
”I hate to mention this, but could we get to the shooting now and discuss metaphysics later?”
Roosevelt asked plaintively.
The human Pierce tried to think of some way to stop it, at least for another twenty-five seconds.
”Use the Force, Pierce,” came a voice in his head. ”You're in the wrong galaxy and the wrong epic!” Pierce shot back with the speed of thought.
”I know. But they pay me to come in and add a little cla.s.s to things with no other redeeming social value, and this certainly qualifies.”
Pierce shook off the momentary interruption. ”Look, men-you don't want to shoot little old me, do you?” he asked, wiggling Marshmallow's body.
The lizard soldiers paused a moment. Finally Gomez asked, ”Why not?”
” 'Cause I might be useful to big, strong, handsome boys like you.”
Feinstein, at least, seemed to be taking the bait. ”Wait a minute, boys. This has some interesting possibilities.”
”How's about we just shoot the others and leave her for us?” Brownschweigger suggested.
Feinstein shrugged. ”Why not? Okay, one more time, guys. Spare the strange-looking one, then ready . . . aim . . .”
”You can't shoot,” Pierce told them.
”Huh? Why not?”
”Your furlough's up. You're back under military command again and you no longer have the authority.”
There was a moment of tense silence, then one of the soldiers said, ”He's right. I just checked my watch. Typical d.a.m.ned navy furlough. Never get off the s.h.i.+p, never enough time, never get to do anything fun.”
”Well, this isn't all that serious a problem,” said Captain Roosevelt. ”I'll just give you boys another fur-lough.”
”Sorry, sir,” Feinstein responded. ”You can't. Regu-lations. Everyone else has to have one before it's our turn again.
The general sighed. ”Oh, all right. Send over five more and we'll do it right this time!”
”I really wouldn't recommend it, sir.”
”What? What's wrong this time?”
”Well, sir, it would just be a waste of time. They don't have operable weapons, either.”
Roosevelt was stunned. ”You mean-all this and your guns don't work?”
”No sir. Well, they work once. When you pulled that phony attack, everybody fired at least once. That was it. They sent us ten million energy packs that short out when you try and fire them. The manufacture was contracted out to a shady manufacturing concern that used defective parts.” He paused. ”They did give us the best price, though.”
”What! Why wasn't I told of this?”
”You were, sir. We sent the notification forms out to you a month ago. They should arrive any time now.”
”Who's this shady supplier? I'll have him boiled in oil!”
”Ah, I believe the company is owned by the President's son, sir.”
”Oh.” He sighed. ”Well, I suppose we could do it manually. Knives and all that.”
”On the computer and the android? Not practical. Nor is it anywhere in our MOS. We're navy men, sir! We get to blow up people from afar!”
”I'm a marine, d.a.m.n it! And so are you!”
”No, sir. No marine enlisted men boarded. The order to leave arrived before their orders to report reached them.”
Captain Nathan Bolivia cleared his throat. ”Pardon me, but I believe I have the answer to your problem,” he said softly.
”Eh?”
”I might remind you that I was just instructed to terminate them. I was willing, in the interest of interspecies cooperation and the spirit of harmony and goodwill to allow you to do it, but, since you can't, I must in any event.”
Roosevelt sighed. ”All right, then. Stand back, men! Let the nice gentleman carry out his orders.”