Part 9 (1/2)

_August_ 11.

Very hot, so went to S----, and bathed in the salmon pool. Stretched myself out in the water, delighted to find that I had at last got to the very heart of the countryside. I was not just watching from the outside--on the bank. I was in it, and plunging in it, too, up to my armpits. What did I care about the British Museum or Zoology then? All but the last enemy and object of conquest I had overcome--for the moment perhaps even Death himself was under heel--I was immortal--in that minute I was always prostrate in the stream--sunk deep in the bosom of old Mother Earth who cannot die!

_August_ 14.

At 4 p.m. to the Salmon Pool for a bathe. 87.3 in the shade. The meadow was delicious in the suns.h.i.+ne. It made me want to hop, flirt my tail, sing. I felt ever such a bright-eyed wily bird!

_August_ 17.

Caught the afternoon train to C----, but unfortunately forgot to take with me either watch or tubes (for insects). So I applied to the station-master, a youth of about eighteen, who is also signalman, porter, ticket-collector, and indeed very factotal--even to the extent of providing me with empty match boxes. I agreed with him to be called by three halloos from the viaduct just before the evening train came in.

Then I went up to the leat, set up my muslin net in it for insects floating down, and then went across to the stream and bathed.

Afterwards, went back and boxed the insects caught, and returned to the little station, with its creepers on the walls and over the roof, all as delightfully quiet as ever, and the station youth as delightfully silly. Then the little train came around the bend of the line--green puffing engine and red coaches, like a crawling caterpillar of gay colour.

_August_ 20.

A trapper killed a specimen of _Tropidonotus natrix_ and brought it to me. I gave him sixpence for it and am just going to dissect it.

_August_ 21.

There are folk who notice nothing. (Witness Capt. McWhirr in Conrad's _Typhoon_.) They live side by side with genius or tragedy as innocent as babies; there are heaps of people who live on a mountain, a volcano, even, without knowing it. If the stars of Heaven fell and the Moon were turned into blood some one would have to direct their attention to it.... Perhaps after all, the most obvious things are the most difficult to see. We all recognise Keats now, but suppose he was only ”the boy next door”--why should I read his verses?

_August_ 27.

_Preparing a Snake's Skull_

Prepared the skull of gra.s.s snake. I fancy I scooped out the eyes with patent delight--I suppose symbolically, as though, on behalf of the rest of suffering humanity, I were wiping off the old score against the beast for its behaviour in the Garden of Eden.

_September_ 5.

At 2.30 Dad had three separate ”strokes” of paralysis in as many minutes, the third leaving him helpless. They sent for me in the Library, where I was reading, and I hurried home. Just as I entered the bedroom where he and Mother were another attack came on, and it was with the utmost difficulty that with her help I managed to get him from the chair to the bed. He struggled with his left arm and leg and made inarticulate noises which sounded as if they might be groans. I don't know if he was in pain. Dear Mother.

_September_ 14.

Dad cannot live long. Mother bears up wonderfully well. Tried to do some examination work but failed utterly. A---- is watching in the sick-room with Mother who will not leave.

8.30. The nurse says he will not live through the night.

8.45. Telegraphed for A---- to come.

11.00. A---- came downstairs and had a little supper.

12.00. Went to bed. H---- and the others lit a fire and we have all sat around it silent, listening to its murmur. Every one felt cold. Dad has been unconscious for over an hour.

1.45 a.m. Heard a noise, then heard Mother coming downstairs past my bedroom door with some one--sobbing. I knew it must be all over.

H----was helping her down. Waited in my bedroom in the dark for three parts of an hour, when H---- came up, opened the door slowly and said, ”He's gone, old man.” It was a tremendous relief to know that since he had to die his sufferings and cruel plight were over. Fell asleep from sheer exhaustion and slept soundly.

_September_ 18.

The funeral. _It is not death but the dreadful possibilities of life which are so depressing_.[2]