Part 32 (1/2)

I took her by the shoulder, and spoke to her so sternly that I startled her.

”You are not to talk in that way anymore, Kathie,” I said. ”I am fond of you and I am fond of baby; but if baby were big enough and talked this silly way about you, do you suppose I would allow it? Sit up and stop crying.”

I have always been careful not to hurt her feelings; perhaps I have been too careful. She sat up now, and then rose to her feet in a dazed sort of way. I determined to see if anything was to be made out of her mood.

”Kathie,” said I, ”how much of that performance yesterday was real, and how much was humbug? Tell me the truth.”

She grew a little paler and her eyes dilated. I looked her straight in the face, half minded to force her if need be to give me some guidance in what I should do.

”I really meant to drown myself,” she answered solemnly, ”only when I saw the water and thought of h.e.l.l I was afraid.”

She stopped, and I encouraged her to go on.

”I saw Mr. Weston, and I was scared of him and--and everything, and so I jumped in.”

I reflected that very likely the child was more of a puzzle to herself than she was to me, and in any case I had more important ends to gain than the satisfying of my curiosity, so I asked her as gently as I could if she really believed she would be eternally lost if she killed herself.

”Oh, yes, Miss Ruth!” she cried with feverish eagerness.

”Then why do you do it?” I went on. ”How do you dare to do it?”

She looked at me with a growing wildness in her face that was certainly genuine.

”I'm lost, anyway,” she burst out. ”I know I have been too wicked for G.o.d to forgive me. I have committed murder in my heart, and I know I was never meant to be saved.”

”Stop!” I commanded her. ”You are a little, foolish girl, too young even to know what you are talking about. How dare you decide what G.o.d will do?”

She regarded me with a look of stupefaction as if I were a stranger whom she had never seen; and indeed I can well believe I seemed one. Then the perversity of her mind came back to the constant idea.

”That's just it,” she declared. ”That's just my wickedness.”

After this I refused to go into the subject any further. I got up and asked her if I should find her father at home. She begged me not to go to see him, and then said with an air of relief that he had gone out to Connecticut Mills to visit a sick woman. I did not stay with her longer.

I said I must go into the house, and as she refused to come, I left her, a forlorn little figure, there among the roses, and went in. It seemed hard to do it, but I had made up my mind she had better not indulge in any more talk this morning.

August 22. Cousin Mehitable, in a letter which came this morning, pities me because of my colorless existence; but I begin to feel that life is becoming too lurid. I have to-day bearded--no, Mr. Thurston hasn't any beard; but I have had my interview with him, and I feel as if I had been leading a cavalry charge up a hill in the face of a battery of whatever kind of guns are most disconcertingly destructive.

I am somewhat confused about the beginning of our talk. I got so excited later that the tame beginnings have slipped away; but I know I said I had come to make a proposition about Kathie, and somehow I led up to the child's mad performance the other day. I showed him the note and told him the story, but not until I had made him promise not to mention the matter to the child. When he had finished he was as pale as my handkerchief, his thin, bloodless face positively withered with pain.

”I cannot keep silence about this,” he said when I had finished. ”I must withdraw my promise, Miss Privet. My Kathie's soul is in danger.”

I am sure that I am not ill-tempered, but over Kathie and her father I find myself in a state of exasperation which threatens to destroy all my claims to be considered a sane and temperate body. I had to struggle mightily to keep myself in hand this morning, but at first, at least, I succeeded.

”Mr. Thurston,” I said, ”I cannot release you. I should never have told you except on your promise, and you cannot honestly break it. Now listen to me. I have no right to dictate, but I cannot stand by and see dear little Kathie going to ruin. I am sure I know what is good for her just now better than you do. She is a good child, only she has gone nearly wild brooding over theologic questions she should never have heard of until she was old enough to judge them more reasonably.”

He tried to interrupt me, but I put up my hand to stop him, and went on.

”You know how nervous and high-strung she is, and you cannot think her capable of looking fairly at the awful mysteries with which a creed deals.”

”But I have only instructed her in those things on which her eternal salvation depends,” he broke in.