Part 15 (1/2)

she asked softly, ”do you know of the legends of dragons that live in s.p.a.ce, in the Flux, along themountain route to the southwest of Lexis?” As she spoke, she felt the memories stirring to life.

In Ar's silence, she sensed his puzzlement. ”Well, the legends are true,” she whispered, and she didn't stop until she had told him the entire story of her encounter with Highwing: how he had saved her from the other dragons; how he had looked into her soul, and their spirits had become entwined in friends.h.i.+p; how the dragon, through his gifts of sight, had helped her to begin to break free of some of her inner demons. By the time she was finished, her voice was strained and cracking, her eyes br.i.m.m.i.n.g with tears.

Neither of them spoke for a while after that. She dabbed at her eyes, feeling embarra.s.sed - until she remembered that Ar wasn't human, and somehow that rea.s.sured her. Somehow, she didn't mind making a fool of herself in front of a nonhuman, as she would have with one of her own kind. She didn't know if that made any sense, but it was how she felt.

At last she looked up into Ar's gentle, curious gaze and wondered if he believed her, orcould believe her. She wondered if anyone at this starport could believe her. She had burdened Ar with a great deal this evening. But ... he was her test case in this, as well as being a new friend. His gaze was luminous with empathy, but there was a certain reserve. ”Well?” she murmured at last.

Ar stroked the upper ridge of his skull for a moment. ”That,” he said finally, ”is a very moving story. I am awed by the imagery - by the vividness of your emotional awakening - by the changes you began to experience within yourself. It was splendid, is splendid. A truly inspiring example of rigging.”

”Well - thank you. But, Ar ...” she began, and stopped, suddenly uncertain.

”It must have seemed very real to you, Jael. As real as if literally true.” Ar closed his liquid eyes and reopened them.

He didn't understand, then. Didn't believe her. ”Ar,” she said softly, trying to make her voice strong and steady. ”Itwas real. Those things happened to me. I'm not making it up.”

The Clendornan eased his head to one side. ”I'm sure it was extremely real to you, Jael. And that is the mark of a powerful rigger.”

She felt a pressure in her forehead. Was this how everyone would react? She was grateful that she had not risked trying to convince the police. Bad enough with a friend. ”No, Ar, you're not getting the point.”

”But I do understand the phenomenon.”

”No, you don't.”

He gazed at her. ”Please ... what don't I understand?”

Jael felt terribly inarticulate. After all she had just told him ...

”The images you cast were extremely vivid, as you -”

”Ar, it was not just images. That's the whole point!”

”Jael, wait.” There was a groan of distress in Ar's voice. ”Please. We must take care to distinguish myth from reality. Now, I hold myth and imagination in the highest esteem. They help us to deal with our reality, to understand it in ways that may sometimes be clearer than literal definition.”

”Ar, I'm not talking about that.”

He continued without hearing her. ”But you must know which is which. Of what benefit is the symbol ifwe confuse it with the object? What is the use of a map if we confuse it with the territory it represents?

But isn't that the challenge of rigging - to map the territory imaginatively, and to know the territoryby the map - because we can never really know it directly? That's why an experience like yours is so moving, because it pushes to the very edge, until the two become nearly inseparable.”

Ar's words were so earnest, and his insistent redefining of her words so acute, that she found herself thinking, Why am I so sure? But shewas sure; she knew what had happened to her. Didn't she?

The Clendornan paused, staring at her. His voice lost its steadiness. ”Do I need to apologize again? I sense that I'm causing you confusion. I'm not reacting the way you'd expected, or hoped.”

”Well -no .”

”But you wouldn't want me to speak dishonestly.”

”Of course not.” Jael groaned, wondering how this had all become such a confusing jumble. Why'wasn't it clear? Why couldn't he believe her?

Ar stroked the ridge of his head, considering. ”You wish me to accept the literal reality of what you experienced on that flight?”

”Yes! That's what I've been telling you!”

He was silent a moment longer. ”I have never heard anyone speak of such a thing, Jael. Not seriously, soberly, I mean. It is ... difficult.”

”I know!” She sighed, ”That's what the library says, too. But the library's wrong! d.a.m.n it, Ar, do you think I would have let Mogurn get that mad at me for something that was just imaginary, for something that I could have turned on or off at will?”

Ar rocked back. ”I wouldn't a.s.sume that you could turn any image on or off at will, under any circ.u.mstances. If the image is powerful enough, if it is convincing enough -”

”That's not it, Ar!”

The Clendornan fell silent. ”Well, then, there is really no way to know, is there?”

”If you'd just believe me -”

”Objectively, I mean. For someone who wasn't there when it happened, there's no objective test to separate imagination from reality.”

Jael shrugged unhappily. ”I guess not. I guess there isn't.” She sat back and stared at the fire, at the flickering, unreal burning of the holo-flame, and thought, I know the difference. Don't I? She looked at Ar again. ”Don't you think it's possible that I could make that distinction?”

Ar's lips slowly formed into a half crinkle. ”Of course, Jael. But this is my nature - a.n.a.lytic. Please forgive me. I cannot help being who I am.” Jael started to answer, but Ar waved her to silence. ”Still, I perceive that you believe very strongly. And though I know you but little, I respect you. I will consider, Jael. I will consider as best I can.”

Jael nodded into the flame. That was about all she could ask, wasn't it?Wasn't it?

Eighteen

Ed

Thoughts of Highwing were driven from her mind the next morning by a call from the s.p.a.ceport police, followed by a meeting with one of the investigating officers and a representative of the s.p.a.ceport s.h.i.+pping commission. At issue was the disposition of Mogurn's stars.h.i.+p. There was no way for Jael to collect her pay until the cargo and s.h.i.+p were disposed of; and that couldn't be done until the s.h.i.+p's t.i.tle was a.s.signed - either to Mogurn's company, or his heirs, if any, or to the government of Lexis.

What the officials wanted from Jael was more information about Mogurn. She had little to offer beyond what had been found in Mogurn's cabin, and none at all about the legal status of Mogurn's s.h.i.+p. Her own contract was of little help. There was no indication that he'd had a company or partners.h.i.+p other than his private owners.h.i.+p ofCa.s.sandra. Nevertheless, the officials kept her for the better part of the day, questioning her about the contract, as well as pursuing further details of Mogurn's death. She bore it all with stoic patience. What choice did she have?

By the end of the day, however, she learned that no action was contemplated against her for Mogurn's death. This came as a considerable relief, even if she'd seen no reason for them to question her actions in the first place. But it was clear that she had no chance of receiving her flight pay anytime soon. And that meant that she was going to have to try to find work, which meant a rigging a.s.signment. When she saw Commander Gordache and asked if she would be allowed to fly, he shrugged and said, ”You have to eat, don't you?”

She sighed, glad that if nothing else, they recognized that fact. But how she was going to get work, and with whom, she didn't know. She thought about what Ar had told her, that he was looking for rigging partners. She liked Ar, certainly, despite his frustrating obtuseness last night. But would she be able to rig with someone, knowing that such a gulf in understanding existed between them? Would anyone else be more likely to believe her? Ar, at least, didn't question her sanity; she wasn't sure if the same would be true of others.

She returned to her quarters, weary and discouraged. There was a message from Ar, asking if they might meet later. She didn't bother to reply, a.s.suming that she would find him at dinner. He wasn't there, however, and she ate her evening meal in lonely solitude, staring at some of the other riggers and thinking, Would you believe me if I told you about dragons on the mountain route - real dragons? When they looked at her, she wondered, did they see anything but a renegade, a captain-killer? Thoughts of the pallisp drifted into her mind, and she chased them away angrily. She was starting to feel the old despair creep back into her thoughts.

After dinner, she paced through the lounges, looking for Ar. When she didn't find him she decided to pay a visit to Ed the cyber-parrot. She found a vacant Environment Alpha I/O, donned the helmet, and entered the psychetronic s.p.a.ce of the system.

She was horrified to find that the environment selection menu had changed: the desert-mesa scenario was gone, supplanted by a methane tide-pool, and the rainforest had been replaced by an ocean sunset.Ed!

she shrieked silently to the holographic image.What have you done with Ed! Trembling, she tore off the helmet and sat upright in her seat, enraged, glaring around the gloomy lounge. ”You b.a.s.t.a.r.ds - how could you change it?” she whispered. How could they? She stalked out of the lounge, looking for someone in charge.

It took a while, but eventually she found a red-eyed young man working in a back office who considered her question with some puzzlement and said that, yes, the scenarios in Environment Alpha were replaced periodically for variety. It was just a matter of swapping data grains in and out of the control console. Hewasn't really supposed to, he said, scratching at the scrawniest beard Jael had ever seen, but he guessed it would be all right to put the rainforest back in as long as no one else complained. ”Thank you,” Jael breathed, surprised by the intensity of her own feelings. She realized now that her reaction had been a little extreme.

”The thing is, though - they're getting ready to take those machines out and replace them with new hardware, and all new data grains,” the young man remarked, as he rummaged through a drawer, looking for the rainforest element. ”So enjoy it while you can, because in a few days it really will be gone. Here it is.” He grinned and held up a small nodule between thumb and forefinger. ”I'll stick it in. By the time you're back in the system, it'll be up and running.”