Part 9 (1/2)

But that came from your own memory,Highwing murmured.A part of you knew the truth. You do not always see clearly in your memory, do you?

Why no, I ...she began, and hesitated, because she had no idea how to explain.

Well, then, Jael - look up. I see something else happening.The dragon lifted his head and snorted sparks into the air.

Reluctantly she lifted her gaze. For a moment she couldn't see anything except the dark shape of a cliff overlooking the glade. And then, high atop the cliff, in a sheltered aerie, illuminated by she knew not what, she saw the dark figure of another man.

Who is that?she hissed. Highwing didn't answer at once, but a suspicion was already growing in the pit of her stomach. There was something familiar about the shape.

Don't you know?Highwing asked finally. Without waiting for an answer, he sprang aloft and beat intothe wind toward the aerie. Rather than flying directly to it, however, he veered to one side and alighted upon a high ledge from which they could look across and see the place clearly.

But Jael already knew. The man was her father. He was a cold-eyed, stiff-limbed man, exactly as she remembered him. He looked perhaps a little older, a little wearier, a little more dour. He was gazing outward from the aerie, as though expecting a caller; but the manner of his stance suggested defensiveness, retreat, as though he feared to leave this shelter. His eyes stared, his mouth curled with distaste, as they had on other occasions, when he'd wondered aloud why he had saddled himself with two former wives, an unhappy son, and a self-pitying daughter. His eyes s.h.i.+fted then, and seemed to light upon Highwing and Jael. Upon Jael. And that gaze was the same look of contempt he'd lavished upon her for as long as she could remember. She remembered her own rage, which had been building for years.

Kill him,she said softly, loathing rising out of the depths of her heart.Burn him!

She waited for the explosion of fire from Highwing's throat, the lance of flame that would destroy her father as it had destroyed Mogurn. But the dragon made no move to carry out her command.Highwing?

And then she knew why the dragon hesitated. He'd seen the answer in her soul. It was not because he was protecting her father, but because her father was already dead. He'd died three years ago, at the hands of a slighted lover, while Jael was still in rigger school. What point was there in burning him now?

Jael cursed futilely, squinting across to the aerie where this man stood, hopelessly cold and desperately alone, this man who had turned his s.h.i.+pping company into a den of thievery and abuse, who had turned two wives against him and taught a son and daughter how not to feel. Jael pressed her forehead against the dragon's scaled neck, weeping inwardly. And then she felt something ...

She looked up and saw a change in the light that illumined her father's face, a deeper, softer glow. And she realized thathe had changed, too. She was seeing him at an earlier time, a happier time. Behind him, she glimpsed her mother's face, just for an instant, but it was long enough to see that she was gazing at him with genuine love. Love, but pain too. Was it a happier time? His mouth was tight with indecision.

But about what?

Jael drew a breath, and then she knew. She had been young then, too young to really understand; but this was the turning point, her father's business fortunes at their lowest ebb, the family-owned s.h.i.+pping firm teetering at the brink of collapse. It wasn't his fault, his mouth seemed to say. The registry had turned against him, and his own colleagues, and now he'd lost the pa.s.senger license, and there were incompetent riggers, as well, who had cost him two s.h.i.+ps and plunged him into debt. And now he had to make a choice. A s.h.i.+pper on the edge could survive a lot more easily flying unregulated. Hang the registry. The quality of the riggers was a lot more uncertain, but how could it be worse than he'd seen already?

Anger and pain hardened his face. Jael had no idea whether or not his anger was justified; there was so much she didn't know about how it all had happened. But the effect on him was clear, as his face metamorphosed in the dragon light. The anger was sealed up within him, and he closed himself up like a steel wall, hard with bitterness. Behind him, Jael's mother's face grew drawn and terrified. Finally she was gone, and as Jael watched she felt glad that her mother's pain had ended years ago. But her father's pain only grew, and like some tormented, twisting animal he lashed out at those closest to him.

And the family name became a badge of shame. Jael did not even know, really, all that her father did to turn the s.h.i.+pping community against him. She did not want to know. She knew only that his suffering, like her mother's, had ended only with his death. But Jael's hadn't. d.a.m.n him, couldn't he at least have given something to her, some encouragement to her dream?Didn't he, Jael? Not ever?whispered Highwing.

What?Jael saw another image beginning to form, and suddenly she knew what it was, it was the rigger school, and she erupted with rage.Stop it, d.a.m.n you! No, he didn't - not ever - not except by dying and leaving us for good! She bent her head to the dragon's neck and wept. For her mother ...

for her brother ... for herself. What could possibly make it right? Nothing, it seemed. Nothing at all.Get rid of him, Highwing, get rid of him! she whispered, rubbing away her tears.

Shall I burn him?Highwing asked softly.

She almost said yes, then sighed, straightening up.I guess not. What's the point? Maybe he suffered enough, I don't know. But it's over. She drew a painful breath.Let's just get the h.e.l.l out of here.

The aerie darkened, where her father had stood. Highwing glanced back at Jael, his eyes glowing. Then he spread his wings and leaped into the air.I had thought that you might - well - What?she asked darkly.

Never mind.The dragon seemed thoughtful.But I understand now, a little, I think.

Take me out of this place!Jael snapped, as fresh anger welled up inside her. The dragon vented smoke from his nostrils in sympathy. For some reason that enraged her still further, and she hammered on his hard, resilient scales with her fists.Take me out of this accursed valley and let me finish my journey in peace!

A flurry of sparks escaped from Highwing's nostrils.Do you really mean that? he asked softly, his powerful voice trembling with dismay.

Yes!Jael cried in a whisper, knowing that it was her pain speaking.Yes, I want to leave!

You won't consider ... you mean you don't intend to - Highwing!she cried in torment.Take me away!

As you will, my friend, Jael,the dragon sighed. He shook his head almost imperceptibly, muttering unhappily. But with mighty wingstrokes he beat higher and faster into the night.

Eleven.

Parting.

The dragon circled, climbing. The mountain peaks surrounded them like dark towers in the night, sullen shadows against the moonlit clouds.When I take you out of these mountains, Highwing said sorrowfully,we will be near the place where I must leave you, but you will be closer to your destination than you were when we met. I had thought ... well. Never mind. There is nothing to be done, I suppose - except to say good-bye.

Jael recognized the sadness in the dragon's voice, but her mind burned with far too many images to respond. Anyway, what did it matter? It was the dragon's fault for bringing her to this place of magic, stirring up memories of pain and sorrow. It had seemed all right until the very end, when there'd been no escaping the pain, not even the satisfaction of seeing the offender's image burned by dragon fire. There was no such solution where her father was concerned.Why? Why? she whispered to herself, not meaning to speak it aloud.Highwing seemed to understand her thought.I did not know what we would see or how it would feel, he murmured.I only showed you what was in your mind.

She nodded, grunting. She didn't know why she felt angry with him, really, but she did.

Did I do wrong, Jael? If so, I am sorry.

She shook her head and silently clung to him as he beat his wings, carrying them toward the highest reaches of the mountains. Memories continued to flash through her mind: her brother gathering his dignity, unable to share his hurt even with his sister, who loved him; Dap and the other riggers struggling with their own loneliness and fear, and the compet.i.tion for jobs in which they were all victims; a rigger named Mariel who had once treated her kindly, and Toni Gilen who had innocently come to her with a message from the steward, from Mogurn; and Mogurn himself, in the deathlike oblivion of his synaptic augmentor.

And worst of all, memories of a father who in the end had loved no one, least of all himself.

She clung to Highwing because she was trembling so hard, shaking as the feelings followed the images faster than she could respond to them. Memories of pain and anger and loneliness and frustration; they were sp.a.w.ning a cyclone in her soul, a storm that would probably have swept her away in the Flux if Highwing had not been here to protect her. She scarcely saw the mountain peaks pa.s.sing by on either side, dark and grim in the night, or the clouds that m.u.f.fled them and then opened to the sky, or the stars that gleamed like diamonds and then stretched peculiarly into spidery lines ... in response to the sensation of speed ... to her growing fatigue in the rigger-net.

In the rus.h.i.+ng wind, she finally raised her head and hiked herself up on the dragon's neck, realizing with a shock that she was exhausted, that she had been flying in the net for too many hours.Where are we going? she whispered, finding herself incapable of speaking any louder.

On the way to where you wanted to go,said the dragon.

If I went away - to sleep - could you stay with my s.h.i.+p until I returned?Even as she spoke, she sensed the net sparkling with distorted colors. She was losing her ability to control her own presence here; she had to get out. She felt an inexplicable jab of pain, of loneliness, at the thought. She didn't quite want to leave Highwing.

I will be here.

Sighing, Jael gathered her senses with an effort of will and altered the image slightly, materialized an image of her s.h.i.+p as it was bound to her through the net - just its ghostly nose protruding out of nothingness into the Flux. She set the stabilizers astride Highwing.This should help keep us together. I'll see you in a while, then.

A plume of smoke. Yes.

Jael withdrew. Her senses darkened, accompanied by a wave of dizziness - and rekindled back in her own body. She climbed out of the rigger-cell and stood, trembling with exhaustion, in the gloom of the stars.h.i.+p's bridge. She stretched and felt her joints popping; she had been in the rigger-station, motionless, for a very long time - longer than she would have thought possible. Was that Highwing's work? Or had the pallisp increased her abilities and stamina in the net? She shrugged wearily. What did it matter?

She was ravenously hungry, even hungrier than she was tired. She stole into the galley and quietly wolfed a dinner of tasteless fish and vegetables and bread. At any moment, she expected an angry Mogurn to burst in upon her. But when he had not appeared by the time she was finished, she began to wonder. He had been awfully anxious to see her, to vent his anger. Was it possible that the virtual-Mogurn's death inthe net had ... no, don't be ridiculous. Perhaps she should just go to sleep and worry about it later. But she could not so easily ignore Mogurn's absence, and he had told her to come see him. With a lump of fear in her throat, she disposed of her dishes and tiptoed into the hallway.

She crept to Mogurn's door and, after a long hesitation, pressed the signal. There was no answer. She paled the door, which was unlocked, and peered in. Mogurn was unconscious under his synaptic augmentor, his eyes rolled up into his head, a grimace stretching his mouth. He was so still that for a moment she thought he might indeed be dead; but no, his chest was rising and falling slowly. He hadn't been able to wait for her help, apparently; he was too addicted to his augmentor. Or he'd been too angry.

Jael frowned, thinking involuntarily of the pallisp. She realized that she didn't really need or want it just now. She could live without it while she slept. Good, she thought. Very good. Returning to the commons, she left a brief note for Mogurn, staring that the s.h.i.+p was out of danger. Then she went to her own cabin and fell almost instantly into a deep sleep.

She blinked as her dreams fled, visions of snarling mythical creatures disappearing in plumes of golden radiance. Her eyes focused on the ceiling of her cabin, plain pale green. She tried to focus her thoughts ...

... and suddenly remembered Highwing.

She drew a sharp breath as the memories streamed back into her mind. Highwing! Had that all been a dream? For a moment, she was confused by doubts about the reality of what she remembered - or thought she remembered. Dragons in the Flux? Living creatures who spoke with humans and looked into their souls ... and called them ”friend”? It was surely impossible; it flew in the face of what she knew as reality. And yet, her memory sang with the reality of Highwing.