Volume 10 Chapter 2 (1/2)
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”What's the matter, s.h.i.+mako-san?”
When she came to her senses, s.h.i.+mako was in the courtyard.
”&h.e.l.lip; Ahh, Tsutako-san.”
The one who brought her back to Earth was her first-year cla.s.smate.
”Am I interrupting?”
”No.”
s.h.i.+mako shook her head, gladly welcoming Tsutako-san.
It was Wednesday morning.
Since she'd arrived at school earlier than usual, s.h.i.+mako had made her way over to the courtyard and had been s.p.a.cing out.
It was always like that when she thought deeply about something. She didn't have any spare capacity to pay attention to the world around her as she withdrew into her own inner world. It wasn't her intention to build a wall around her, but the result seemed to be an atmosphere that made it difficult for others to approach her.
”Those were some deep sighs.”
”Really?”
”Your expression isn't too bad, but - ”
As she spoke, Tstuako-san set the camera's flash off.
The girl from the photography club always carried a camera with her and would press the shutter like that whenever the mood struck her.
”It's more fun to look at s.h.i.+mako-san when she's like this.”
Tsutako-san pulled a bundle of photographs out of her side skirt pocket, selected one of them and held it out to s.h.i.+mako.
”It was such a joyous expression that I took the photo on instinct. If you don't mind, I'd like you to have this.”
It was a picture of s.h.i.+mako's face that she had never seen until now. It was an unguarded shot of her laughing heartily and, as Tsutako-san had said, it was definitely a 'joyous expression.'
”Thank-you.”
She certainly hadn't been laughing so wholeheartedly in recent times. s.h.i.+mako looked up into the sky. It felt strange to be reminiscing about her earlier self when it had only been 10 or 15 days since the event.
”The girl with her back to the camera, the bob-haired first-year &h.e.l.lip; umm.”
”Noriko?”
”Right, Noriko-chan. She's good, this girl.”
Tsutako-san trained her camera on s.h.i.+mako.
”As a subject?”
Click.
”She's good as that too, but I meant her value as a light reflector.”
”A light reflector?”
Click, click. Since s.h.i.+mako hadn't objected, Tsutako-san was taking photos as fast as she could.
The lovely courtyard with its colorful flowers was popular in early summer and, despite the cloudy weather, a number of students could be seen enjoying a stroll along the paths by the flowerbeds. When they noticed the hastily convened Rosa Gigantea photo shoot, they would occasionally stop and look her way, before returning to the flowers once more.
”See, at a photo shoot, they'll have these boards that reflect light, like a mirror, you know? One of those.”
Tsutako-san said, removing the camera from her face.
”What I meant was, she s.h.i.+nes the light on Toudou s.h.i.+mako.”
”The light - ”
s.h.i.+mako was touched, for it seemed like such an apt expression. Noriko was the light. Her existence illuminated s.h.i.+mako, warmed her, and made her sparkle.
”But now you're cloudy. Much like today's weather &h.e.l.lip; Did something happen?”
”Something, hmm.”
As s.h.i.+mako struggled to find the words, Tsutako-san smiled as though she'd just been struck by an idea.
”I see. If it was something you'd discuss with me, Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san would be here too.”
”Not at all. I consider you one of my trusted confidants, Tsutako-san.”
s.h.i.+mako quickly shook her head.
Despite being in the same grade, Tsutako-san was quite mature in some respects, so s.h.i.+mako had no objection to discussing matters with her. Her attentiveness tended to be overshadowed by her nonchalance. s.h.i.+mako, at present, was predisposed towards Tsutako-san's style of non-intrusive kindness.
”It's just, I don't really know myself. You're right that I'm cloudy at the moment. But I don't know how to become sunny. Noriko s.h.i.+nes the light upon me. In the past, that was good enough, but - ”
That was why s.h.i.+mako couldn't discuss this with Yumi-san or Yos.h.i.+no-san. She couldn't glitter when she was with Noriko inside the Rose Mansion. There was no way she could say that, as it would seem like a rejection of the other Yamayurikai members.
s.h.i.+mako thought that inviting Noriko to the Rose Mansion hadn't bridged the divide between them. But her thoughts were still in disarray, so she was just going around in circles trying to figure out what to do.
”Ah.”
Tsutako-san smiled warmly.
”s.h.i.+mako-san, you really are Satou Sei-sama's pet.i.t soeur.”
”Huh?”
”You're stuck in the same labyrinth.”
There was no need to ask what she was talking about. s.h.i.+mako knew it was definitely that sort of thing.
However, her onee-sama hadn't repeated the same mistake with s.h.i.+ori-san twice. She held on to s.h.i.+mako's hand with one hand, while keeping the other free hand held straight out in front of her. Waiting out in front of her were her friends, the public, and the future too.
”I'm probably just clumsy.”
”Really?”
”It looks like everyone's going out of their way to help me.”
When s.h.i.+mako told her about the other day's events at the Rose Mansion, Tsutako-san said, ”Oh wow,” cheerfully agreeing with this sentiment.
”Setting aside your feelings for now, s.h.i.+mako-san. It's obvious why everyone's playing nice. You're reading too much into it.”
”Perhaps you're right.”
”One of the most common desires is not to be hated by other people. Don't overdo it, but try to meet them halfway. It's not necessarily a bad thing.”
On the other side of her gla.s.s lenses, Tsutako-san's eyes narrowed kindly as she smiled.
”What has me more worried though is you, s.h.i.+mako-san.”
”Me?”
”You must be worn out, looking after both sides.”
Click.
”Tsutako-san, you see a lot, don't you?”
”Yeah. Because I'm a photographer. When I press the shutter b.u.t.ton, I want to capture what's inside my subject's heart.”
”Scary.”
Although, if a camera really could peek into what was inside a person's heart, people probably wouldn't have the kind of troubles s.h.i.+mako was experiencing.
s.h.i.+mako playfully put her right thumb to her left forefinger, and vice-versa, to create a frame, then looked through this at Tsutako-san's face. However, Tsutako-san quickly hid her face behind her camera, pointed it at s.h.i.+mako, and pressed down on the shutter b.u.t.ton.
”I'll tell you something I don't tell many people, s.h.i.+mako-san - I don't like having my photo taken.”
”Oh, why's that?”
It seemed hard to believe that the self-proclaimed ace of the photography club was camera shy. Although, when s.h.i.+mako thought about it, it seemed like Tsutako-san would hardly ever be in a photograph since she was always on the other side of the camera.
”I simply want to be the camera that photographs you, and Yumi-san, and Yos.h.i.+no-san. I only want to look at that world, I don't want to be captured inside it.”
Click, click, went the shutter. s.h.i.+mako turned directly towards it, and spoke to Tsutako-san on the other side of the lens.
”But if you're only watching, the answer will never be forthcoming.”
”There's no right answer when dealing with human relations.h.i.+ps. But suppose there was one model solution out there somewhere, just following that would be boring, don't you think?”
” &h.e.l.lip; I suppose so.”
The bell rang out, signaling that cla.s.s would begin soon. The two girls joined the stream of students heading towards the school buildings.
”Tsutako-san.”
As they approached the point where they would go their separate ways to their own cla.s.srooms, s.h.i.+mako called out to Tsutako-san, who was walking ahead of her.
”Why did you tell me that you didn't like it?”
”I don't like it? Ah, you mean how I don't like having my photo taken?”
Tsutako-san turned around and smiled.
”When I see your face, sometimes words just slip out of my mouth, s.h.i.+mako-san. Keep it a secret from the others, okay?”
The lenses of her frameless gla.s.ses shone like the flash of her camera, and she turned around. Inside her mind, s.h.i.+mako pressed down on the shutter b.u.t.ton.
Tsutako-san would make such a wonderful photography subject.
Thursday lunch.
s.h.i.+mako was in the hallway walking towards the Rose Mansion when she ran into Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san, who were also heading in the same direction.
”Ah.”
Both parties exclaimed softly and, without further discussion, they all naturally started walking together. It may have been presumptuous, but that's how things were with friends. Or, rather, that's the sort of relations.h.i.+p that comes with time.
Rosa Chinensis en bouton, Rosa Foetida en bouton and Rosa Gigantea walked down the corridor together, each carrying their own lunchbox.
It was a scene that could be seen fairly regularly in the high-school building.
”Go-gokigenyou, onee-samas.”
A first-year student greeted them shyly then ran away. Even though she'd worked up the courage to call out to them, she left before they could return the greeting.
s.h.i.+mako turned around, following that fluttering white sailor collar with her eyes.
Had that girl been satisfied simply with calling out to them? Watching from a distance, bowing, and then boldly addressing them. It seemed like a rather meager happiness.
And when was it that s.h.i.+mako found herself no longer satisfied by such a meager happiness?
Just having Noriko by her side still wasn't enough to satisfy her. When Noriko had been introduced to the other members of the Rose Mansion, s.h.i.+mako had forgotten to feel grateful. If things kept going like they were, it was terrifying to think what kind of arrogant person she would become. Did all human desire simply result in this sort of thing?
”On one, two. Gokigenyou, Rosa Gigantea, Rosa Chinensis en bouton, Rosa Foetida en bouton.”
It wasn't unusual to see groups of five or six girls lined up waiting outside the first-year cla.s.srooms. Emboldened by their numbers, sometimes they would even surround s.h.i.+mako or the boutons, asking various questions.
While they didn't have the presence of Rosa Chinensis or Rosa Foetida, the boutons made up for it with their youth and friendliness. Generally, people were more likely to cheerfully call out when s.h.i.+mako was with Yos.h.i.+no-san or Yumi-san, rather than when she was alone. And, as everyone hoped, they would respond openly, increasing their popularity.
But today was somehow different to usual.
”Gokigenyou everyone.”
Yos.h.i.+no-san and Yumi-san smiled glumly as they pa.s.sed the proactive first-years. Sensing they weren't in the mood to chat today, the group took a step back and watched them pa.s.s with rapt attention.
”Even hiding their sorrow, the boutons are dreamy &h.e.l.lip; ”
The whispered murmurings of their juniors reached s.h.i.+mako's ears.
”Umm &h.e.l.lip; what's the matter?”
s.h.i.+mako asked worriedly, however.
”What do you mean, what's the matter?”
s.h.i.+mako momentarily faltered when they both asked her, looking serious.
”Well &h.e.l.lip; you're both so quiet today?”
”Quiet?”
Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san looked at each other.
”That's right, you've hardly said a word, Yos.h.i.+no-san.”
”You too, Yumi-san, why are you looking so gloomy?”
As for s.h.i.+mako, she was normally quiet anyway, so n.o.body pointed it out.
”Are we being quiet?”
”It's just her imagination, right?”
The pair seemed to be in denial, as they resumed walking in silence.
s.h.i.+mako liked to see Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san when they were in high spirits, frolicking like puppies. When she saw them joking around, it would bring a smile to her lips too. She adored them because they possessed what she did not.
But today, Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san were definitely downbeat about something. It wasn't just her imagination - in their mouths and in their stride, something was weighing down on them.
As they entered the courtyard, all three of them sighed simultaneously.
”What?”
Yos.h.i.+no-san said, fed up, as she stopped walking.
”What do you mean?”
Yumi-san's lips took on a sour look.
”Is there something bothering you two?”
s.h.i.+mako inquired tentatively. However.
”There's no way you can talk to someone who's sighing, right?”
This was sharply pointed out by Yos.h.i.+no-san.
”Especially when there's not that many different species of sighs.”
Silently nodding her head in agreement, it looked as though Yumi-san and Yos.h.i.+no-san's sighs were of the same 'species.'
Yos.h.i.+no-san's were probably about Rei-sama.
Yumi-san's were definitely about Sachiko-sama.
They were deeply important people, so it was only natural that they would think about them.
Out in front of their sighs, the Rose Mansion was waiting for them with an open door.
”Shall we go in?”
”I suppose.”
They couldn't dilly-dally in the entrance forever. However, s.h.i.+mako didn't follow her friends inside.
A dark colored tabby cat ran past her feet.
”s.h.i.+mako-san?”
”I'm sorry. There's something I have to attend to.”
s.h.i.+mako called out as she turned around.
The reason for her behavior was that, suddenly, one person's face had floated into her mind. Consequently, her legs had started to move of their own accord.
But having said that, she didn't actually have any way to meet her. - s.h.i.+mako came to a halt at the path lined with ginkgo trees and smiled bitterly to herself.
Before she knew it, she'd come to this spot.
On the other side of the shrubbery she could see yellows and reds going to and fro. A gathering in eye-catching street clothes. One more step along the path and she'd be on the university grounds.
s.h.i.+mako's heart beat a little faster. Ahead of her were the school buildings of her onee-sama, Satou Sei-sama.
(However.)
She didn't actually have any way to meet her.
As Tsutako-san had pointed out, her onee-sama had probably been lost in the same labyrinth that she herself was in. But even if s.h.i.+mako was able to confirm this, it wouldn't help her out. Their circ.u.mstances were completely different.
Tsutako-san said this too. There's no right answer when it comes to human relations.h.i.+ps.
Because there's another person involved, a single pattern doesn't exist.
s.h.i.+mako looked up at the university buildings ahead of her. They calmly regarded her, as though looking down upon her weak self.
(I should go.)
Even if they were able to meet, in her current state, s.h.i.+mako would just be an inconvenience. For starters, having spontaneously made up her mind to do this, s.h.i.+mako didn't know where her onee-sama was at present.
A group of university students emerged from the building's gla.s.s side door. s.h.i.+mako hurriedly turned her back and scurried back to the high-school grounds, putting the pathway between her and the group.
But when the sounds of the seven or eight cheerful voices reached her ears, s.h.i.+mako couldn't help but think that her onee-sama might be having that kind of happy university life too. And in that case, there was no room for her.
She'd thought that when the cherry blossom season had ended, that she'd broken though completely. But that wasn't the case at all.
She hadn't even seen her onee-sama in that group of women but her chest had tightened in the same manner as when she'd seen Touko-chan by Noriko's side.
(But.)
The truth was, even if it meant she was completely hopeless, s.h.i.+mako wanted to see her onee-sama. Even though she would only be causing trouble, s.h.i.+mako wanted to talk to her.
Her onee-sama would surely answer her. Even though it might not be what was right for s.h.i.+mako. Nonetheless, she would be satisfied if their thoughts overlapped even a small amount.
Back then, how had she kept running at full pace all the way to the end? Having started it without thinking of the consequences, it wasn't the sort of thing you could rethink and stop midway through. Leaving things half done would be incredibly damaging too.