Part 28 (1/2)

A lump formed in my throat. ”Mad at you for what? Aren't you supposed to be mad at me?”

”Just promise me you won't get upset with what I'm about to tell you.”

”Okay. I promise. Whatever it is, I won't get mad. Where were you today?”

A long, uncomfortable silence put me further on edge. What she said next put me over the edge.

”I went to see Ivy.”

CHAPTER 20.

NINA.

Everything seemed to be making me cry lately, but it was especially bad that particular Friday afternoon. My eyes were welling up at the drop of a hat. I was so gosh darn emotional. According to my calendar, my period was due, so it made some sense. My hormones always got the best of me around this time of the month but never like this.

When my mother-in-law came to pick up A.J., I'd taken a deep whiff of his hair, not wanting to let him go. Then, a tear fell when saying goodbye to him.

What was wrong with me?

His reaction had made me laugh. ”Mom, you're messing up my Mohawk.”

Recently, he'd convinced us to let him wear his jet black hair longer on the top. Jake shaved the sides so that the top was more prominent. Even though the style looked really cute on him, we wouldn't let him wear it spiked on school days.

A.J. looked nothing like me. With his dark hair, green eyes and dimples, he was all Jake. We used to joke that Jake just s.h.i.+t A.J. out and that I had nothing to do with our son's creation. But of course, my c-section scar and the months of postpartum depression after he was born served as the evidence that I was definitely his mother. I was just the incubator.

A.J. was only going to be forty minutes away in Malden for the weekend, but for some reason, I was going to really miss him. It was rare that he spent the night away from home. At the same time, it would be refres.h.i.+ng for Jake and me to have some time alone. I was really looking forward to having my s.e.xy man all to myself tonight.

The timing was perfect for it. We'd been under a lot of stress lately between my final nursing clinicals before graduation and the ongoing issues with trying for a baby. Just thinking about the past couple of months caused a fresh stream of tears to fall down my cheeks yet again. I needed Jake to come home and knock some sense into me, make me laugh, comfort me, make love to me.

It would be another couple of hours before he returned from work. To pa.s.s the time, I decided to take a walk down to the drug store on Harvard Street for some magazines and shampoo.

I stopped by the local cafe for a to-go coffee and window shopped in Coolidge Corner on my way. The sun was setting, and the streets were bustling with people heading home from work for the weekend.

We lived in the cutest neighborhood. There were lots of eclectic shops and family-owned businesses. Sometimes, I couldn't believe how lucky we were. As I pondered that, my eyes once again filled with moisture. Everything was making me cry.

Snap out of it, Nina.

As I entered the sliding automatic doors at CVS, the bright fluorescent lights helped cool down my emotional state. I took my time browsing each aisle. It was a rarity to be here alone without A.J. begging for sour gummy worms or a cheap toy.

When I stopped in the magazine section, a smiling baby with a cherubic face stared back at me from the front page of a parenting periodical. When my eyes moistened again, a thought crossed my mind.

Could I be pregnant? Is that why my emotions are out of whack?

I hated to ponder it because that would set myself up for disappointment again. I knew better than to get my hopes up. Still, when I pa.s.sed the reproductive health aisle, I couldn't resist nonchalantly dumping a pregnancy test kit into my basket.

At the register, the attendant smiled at me when she rang up the pink box along with the smiling baby magazine. (I couldn't resist.) It was completely dark out by the time I ventured back outside. A harsh wind-driven chill in the air prompted me to adjust my scarf over my face. I remembered they were talking about a pretty bad storm that we'd be getting tonight. It made me relieved to know that A.J. was already where he needed to be.

Back at the apartment, I rubbed my hands together, but the friction did little to warm me up. Despite the coziness of our home, the intensity of the cold outside lingered long after I stepped inside. Without A.J. here, it was also eerily quiet.

I'd decided to head to the kitchen to make some tea. The steam from the piping hot water relaxed me as I steeped the tea bag and debated whether to take the test before or after Jake came home. I hated putting him through the excitement of waiting in vain. The only thing worse than how a negative test made me feel was always the disappointment in his eyes that he tried unsuccessfully to hide. It would be better if I did it alone and kept the negative result to myself.

Guilt often consumed me. Jake had wanted another baby for years, and I wouldn't agree to it. By the time I came around, my body had apparently decided not to cooperate. If I'd given in and allowed myself to get pregnant six years ago, we might have had no problem. Sometimes, it felt like I was being punished for my own selfishness.

Jake was such an amazing father. He deserved to have another child-or two or three. Despite working long hours at his engineering job north of the city, he gave A.J. his full attention from the second he came home until bedtime and even cooked dinner for us much of the time.

We had a great life six out of the seven days of the week.

Except Sat.u.r.days.

Sat.u.r.days were the black holes of my life because those were the days he'd visit Ivy. He'd leave in the morning, and I'd count the hours until he returned. Sometimes, that would be late afternoon and often times, evening.

I usually cleaned the house or made plans with A.J. to pa.s.s the time on those days. We'd always told our son that ”daddy goes to help a sick friend.” We left it at that.

I had a habit of internalizing my feelings about Jake's relations.h.i.+p with Ivy because it wasn't fair to add more stress to a situation that couldn't be helped. From the moment I learned the truth all those years ago, it was clear that Ivy was like family to Jake. As unfair as it seemed, he'd inherited the responsibility of looking after her. I really did understand his dilemma. But that didn't mean I had to like it or that I wasn't going to get jealous.

I knew with absolute certainty that if I made him choose between us, he'd choose me. He'd even admitted that. But making such a demand wouldn't really remove the situation. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had to watch him suffer the guilt of abandoning her. He'd beat himself up over it. You just don't put someone you love in a position like that. The situation with Ivy existed before I ever came into the picture, and it was essentially a part of him. I loved him and had to accept all parts of him-good, bad and ugly.

Most of the time, I was confident enough in his love for me to not let the existence of Ivy get to me. But occasionally, when in a certain mood, I would become angry and resentful that we couldn't just be a normal family without having to live in the shadow of an ex-wife with mental issues.

I never wanted to meet her.

I was terrified she'd be prettier than me or that I'd find out she really wasn't that incapacitated. Most of the time, I was able to compartmentalize all of that insecurity.

Most of the time.

Tonight was not one of those times. My whacky hormones were making me particularly insecure and out of sorts. After dumping the remainder of my tea into the sink, I grabbed the paper CVS bag and took it to the bathroom located off of our bedroom.

It wasn't necessary to read the directions because I'd done this far too many times to count. I took the first test out and peed on it before repositioning the clear cover over the stick as directed.

Five minutes.

The snow was blowing around outside in horizontal bands. Cars that were uncovered on my way inside were now coated in white. Jake was supposed to be home in an hour. I hoped he didn't get stuck on the highway in storm traffic.

Returning to the living room, I covered myself with a knitted throw and tried to focus on the parenting magazine while the early evening weather forecast played in the background.

The phone rang, and Jake's name flashed on the caller i.d.

I picked up. ”Please tell me you're not stuck in traffic.”

”Hey, baby. I'm off of the highway now, but listen...I have to go to Ivy's tonight.”

That news rattled me. ”What?”

”I got a call from the group home, and she had some kind of an episode. I told them I'd go check on things tonight. But this means I won't have to go tomorrow, okay? We'll have tomorrow free. A.J. will still be at my mother's. The weather will be better, and we can go out.”