Part 18 (1/2)

Joe was standing by the window looking out onto the street, checking for traffic wardens. He wasn't wearing his kilt, and leaning against the window in his black leather bike trousers, he looked like s.e.x on legs. What was happening to me? Had Lavender being putting something in my tea? The white T-s.h.i.+rt Joe wore was sparkling and tight across his chest. He had obviously found the time to work out in amongst luring Tricia.

Donna was staring too.

'I hope you don't mind me asking,' she began, talking directly to Joe. 'But what conditioner do you use? Your hair looks so soft and silky.'

Joe s.h.i.+fted uncomfortably, his size-thirteen leather boots hopped, as if the floor had suddenly become red hot. Donna was out of her chair in a flash. In her heels she matched Joe inch for inch in some departments.

'What a lovely s.h.i.+ne it has.' Her hand reached out to touch it. I was sure Joe was going to back away, but he stood like a patient Labrador being stroked by a dangerous toddler. His eyes implored me to intervene, but I was enjoying myself too much.

'Don't worry, Joe I'm not going to pounce on you. I didn't have the surgery because I was gay, I had it because I knew I needed to be a woman,' Donna a.s.sured him.

I couldn't deny it, the thought had crossed my mind. Not only was I politically incorrect, I was also b.l.o.o.d.y confused.

Donna was seated at her desk again and I hoped she was ready to tell me the story of her run-in with Alex Cattanach. Sadly, she wasn't. Donna was in the mood to talk and talk about anything except what I was there to hear.

'After the op,' she went on, 'I found that I was gay. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Joe, but I'm more likely to jump on Brodie's bones than yours.'

Now it was my turn to squirm.

'What about traffic wardens?' I hissed.

'I can afford the fine.' He smiled that slow, infuriating smile of his.

'So, that's another thing you have in common with Alex,' I went on.

'What's that? You've lost me, Brodie.'

'Well, you and Alex are lesbian rugby players.'

'I've told you that when I became Donna I lost interest in masculine pursuits. I can't even bear to watch it on television.'

'What went wrong? If Alex was one of the few people who understood your predicament, how come you're on pet.i.tion?'

Donna took a long sip of tea. Was she deliberating on whether or not to tell me?

'Marjorie! Marjorie, darling! Come in here for a moment.'

The thudding sound on the floor told me that the long-suffering Marjorie was obeying the command.

'What is it, dear?' The smile on Marjorie's face told me that she would have liked to have stuffed the pen she was holding up Donna's nose. That happens in the best of relations.h.i.+ps.

'Our conversation last night remember we discussed changing lawyers?'

Marjorie nodded obediently.

'Well, I've decided to use Brodie's firm.'

I squirmed and forced a smile upon my face. Anything Donna now told me was subject to client confidentiality and I couldn't use it in my defence. Knowing this, why did I agree? Perhaps because preparing a defence is like untying the Gordian knot untangling the first knot would let me know it could be done. If Donna did tell me anything, I could find another way of using it. My gut was singing and I knew she was the key.

Marjorie left the room, consigned to her lonely spot in reception beside a phone that was unlikely to ring, unless it was her mother.

'Have you got a copy of your pet.i.tion?' I asked.

Donna reached into the top drawer of her desk and handed me a rather thin file. I tried not to look disappointed.

'Is this all there is?'

Her eyes s.h.i.+fted from side to side and I could easily tell she was lying.

'Yes.'

I had to accept her answer for the moment.

'I see you were formerly represented by Bridget Nicholson?'

Joe groaned so loudly that Donna looked at him sharply and asked, 'Is that a problem?'

'No, it's not a problem but you'll have to sign a mandate.'

Thankfully there was a copy of the pet.i.tion on file.

'You embezzled thirty thousand pounds from the Royal Bank of Scotland. That's a pitiable sum really, Donna why so little? McCoy at least took ten million.'

'I don't regard myself as in the same category as Mr McCoy,' she threw back sniffily.

'At least his theft was worth it. Unless you're going to tell me Cattanach's made a mistake and I think we both know that whatever failings Alex had, inept.i.tude wasn't one of them why so little?'

'This surgery isn't cheap,' Donna informed me. 'Especially when you get it done twice.'

I was looking at her ample bosom as she spoke. I wasn't sure why I was being so cruel but there was something about her that really annoyed me.

'When I started out down this path, money was no object. I was naive, I didn't foresee the effect this would have on my business but I prided myself on being a good lawyer and I thought at least some of my clients would remain loyal.'

'Big mistake,' I said. 'Clients are rarely loyal.'

'Too true even my best friends took their business away. They acted as if transs.e.xuality was a disease they would catch. Even to admit to having known me or been my friend would be tantamount to an admission of ... well, h.o.m.os.e.xuality, really. They didn't understand any of it.'

'So, you had no money and you decided to steal it.'

'I would have paid it back but I didn't get the chance. Alex came in on a routine inspection and noted the fraudulent loan application to the Royal Bank of Scotland.'

'Was it worth it?'

'Do you mean were the hours of electrolysis, the voice therapy, the hormone treatment worth it or are you talking about the thirteen hours it took for a San Francisco surgeon to peel off my face, shave my brow bone, feminise my skull, shorten my chin and shave my Adam's apple?' she asked.

'When you put it like that, Donna, getting your c.o.c.k chopped off sounds easy.' Joe smiled at her and broke the atmosphere.