Part 16 (1/2)

”Ty Davis, are you taking me seriously?” I ask.

He opens his eyes and grins at me.

”Of course,” he says. ”Always.”

”Well, even if you're not, I still want to talk to you,” I say.

I can talk to this boy. I can talk to him like I've never talked to anyone. Not my pastor, not my best friends ... not my father.

I'm afraid to show spiritual weakness in front of anyone in town, especially those closest to me. We've never questioned anything or anyone related to the church. You just don't do that in West River. But here's Ty, a bit of hometown, a bit of the bigger world. Somehow I think he understands.

So I open up to him again. I tell him how I'm confused about my parents' unwillingness to discuss Tessa or Jeremy with me, how I'm so angry at Geoff Parsons for tormenting Dean while being a member of Youth Leaders and a star of h.e.l.l House, and how Pastor Frist's sermons are echoing more and more hollow with every pa.s.sing Sunday.

”And today, when Jeremy was saying his lines about having s.e.x recklessly, I couldn't help but think of how he did that,” I say.

”How did I miss a reckless s.e.x scene?” asks Ty.

”No!” I say, swatting his arm. ”It's the gay marriage scene. I know that makes it different-they're talking about gay s.e.x so it's not the same as with Jeremy and Tessa, but-”

”I thought you said that sins were sins, Lacey Anne,” Ty says, tripping me up with the words I said this summer.

”They are,” I say. ”But regular premarital s.e.x is one thing and h.o.m.os.e.xuality is just ... different.”

I shudder, thinking about men kissing men, or really about Mr. Sikes kissing Mrs. Sikes, which is almost as icky.

Ty looks at me, silent.

”I mean, being gay and having lots of s.e.x is like a double sin,” I continue, sensing that he's not seeing my point. ”Because you're not married, so you can't be making love in a holy way, and you're also going against nature by doing it in a gay way, so you're sinning twice.”

I smile, satisfied with my mathematical explanation.

”What if you live in Vermont and you can get legally married if you're gay?” asks Ty.

”We don't live in Vermont,” I say. ”And around here, gay s.e.x isn't the same as premarital s.e.x between two normal people. It's immoral. And gay marriage isn't legal.”

”But it is in some places in our country,” Ty says. ”And you at least have to admit that the morality of gay marriage is open to interpretation. Unlike, say, the morality of child abuse. Can you imagine some states legalizing that?”

”No, but it's not the same thing,” I say.

”Ah, but your earlier logic says it is,” says Ty. ”h.e.l.l House shows one scene after another-Gay Marriage, Domestic Abuse, Abortion, Suicide, Cyberp.o.r.n-and it puts them all on the same level.”

”Well, they're all bad,” I say.

”And we're back to this circular conversation again.” Ty sighs.

”Leviticus 20:13 says *If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination,' ” I say.

”Lacey,” says Ty, sighing a little and looking exasperated. ”I'm not gay, but even I'm tired of hearing that verse come out of the mouth of the church.”

”Well, it's in there,” I say.

”So is the subjugation of women, vengeance, and the murder of children,” says Ty. ”It's an amazing book, and it has tons of good lessons, but it's also got some pretty messed-up pa.s.sages.”

”Like what?” I ask.

”Leviticus 20:9,” Ty says. ”If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.”

”Well, it's all in how you interpret things,” I argue. ”That's really just an extension of honoring your father and mother.”

”Okay,” says Ty, smiling at me now. ”I'm glad you're aware that there are different interpretations and not everything in the Bible is literal. I knew you were a smart one.”

”Ty!” I shout, exasperated.

”I'm joking, Lacey,” he says. ”I am. Can we just stop talking about this, though, for right now?”

”Okay,” I say quietly, wondering if I've offended Ty somehow. Maybe he has a gay cousin or something. I'm only saying what I believe.

”Do you think I'm becoming a bad person? That I've fallen from grace and that's why there's all this confusion in my head?” I ask. And when I say that sentence out loud, I feel a sting of fear, like maybe it's possible.

Ty stays quiet for a moment, and I wonder if he's going to say yes, that he does think I'm losing my path in the light with all this doubt I'm feeling. Maybe I shouldn't speak it out loud, maybe I shouldn't show my fear to anyone, not even Ty.

But then he answers.

”Lacey Anne,” says Ty, ”the G.o.d I know welcomes questions. He welcomes doubts. He welcomes criticisms of His Kingdom when things aren't just or fair. He rewards people who can see clearly enough to right wrongs. That is definitely what you're trying to do, in your own way.”

I smile. What Ty just said sounds like something my dad might have told me when I was younger and I asked if I'd go to h.e.l.l for stepping on an ant or chasing a bird with my bike. It was okay, I was okay. So why doesn't the church make me feel that way anymore? Why does it take a boy in a car at midnight with the seats all the way down?

I lean back and look up at the moon again, relaxing into my confusion, feeling content, feeling accepted, feeling understood.

After a few moments of silence, Ty speaks. ”Have I told you how much I adore you?”

Well, that just floors me. After I confess to having hate in my heart, that I might be on the path to the devil, he tells me he's into me. Surprised as I am, though, I don't want to mess up this second chance at something more.

”No,” I say. ”But I think I gave you a really good opportunity to do that once.”

”You're right,” he says, rising up and leaning on one elbow, facing me. ”I blew it.”

I sit up then too, and look into his eyes, my attraction to him almost palpable. ”No,” I say. ”You didn't.”

”What were the rules?” he asks, teasing me.

”I don't think we have any yet,” I say, feeling breathless.

”Oh, good,” he says.

He leans in then, and I make sure that it's he who kisses me first. We don't have two cars; he can't run away. And besides, as strong as that first kiss-my first kiss-was, this one is ten times stronger. As I feel his lips move with mine, I'm keenly aware of everything around me. The moonlight pools on our faces, the bugs sing a midnight hymn, the leather of the car seats squeaks as we move closer and press our bodies together.