Part 5 (2/2)

She heldvery carefully she looked up at me and said, ”When I heard the noise, I orried that the cat had been hurt But I ca more than me, because you remembered your cat, and it made you sorry you hurt this one Why would I want toyou do? I think you're nice, Laura Palmer”

”Danielle, I think you are extra special nice, with sugar on top” I looked away toward the cat, then back to her

”My et it”

Little Danielle es, that there was still a chance for everything to work out I even began to think a new cat would be nice

I just remembered that I set my horse free I hope I didn't send it off soht be hit, or not taken care of the way he should I guess I should have thought of that before I allowedo and do whatever he wished Alone

Boy, I' up the brownie points this week, aone through Why?

Aet a job? Or a the truck back right away, and I' walk home

Maybe' Mo's events and just be with ht hoet there

L

November 13, 1987 Dear Diary, I am home It's early Leo and Bobby weren't very happy about the fact that I wanted to go hoht of new and ”unusual things” Bobby was really, really high, and I think Leo had told hi hatever Leo wanted, because I had never seen hi me somewhere His constant looks toward Leo uilty, orthe cheese in front of the htened, little mouse See the trap? See it? Go You wanted this anyway, remember?

Leo shook his head when I told the had happened that made me feel I stopped I didn't finish my sentence because I suddenly saw that the two of them were in no position even to pretend they cared about some cat out on the road An aniined it while driving slow, lights off, back to the end of the road I saw its dead eyes locking on the vision of a hter would be all right Wondered, as she carefully lifted the aniht about work to be done the next day, thought about hovering there in the road so tired, always tired

I guess I' of myself here I ae we have of the animal's body? Grandfather's ashes, just an easier way to fit him inside an urn? He's just a body anyhy not decorate the reuess they'll burythere to help, but everything was too close The body there like a es, like tonight's was or examples we never pay attention to This is what it is Stillness Eternal privacy I didn't want to stay tonight with the guys I wanted to go hoain Fake an illness or cra Beauty or Stuart Little, sip coffee while she turns pages, watchesat the house Sneak in early, before dawn beat the alar and slip into bed I knew I'd tell you what happened Sie to ain Another co to help the other lie live stay real Bobby's words have been like little knives I know he doesn't mean to hurt ht, the difference he sees when I get high and there's been a lot of that He says he never kneas so wild inside I think he means that he never kneas so bad He never knew Laura Palmer the way the woods, the trees, the earth, knew her Often shaken and angry, threatened, paralyzed, unable to run Or never chose to Laura Palmer was told that she deserves pain, and a kind of closeness most people never talk or think about because they think it's wrong Laura Palmer? She was born without a choice Was told very quietly, one night long ago, that she would like it, or she would have to be killed

I stayed at the house Leo wantedRelax He said he wanted me the way I had been He said I had promised him He'd make sure I was home in time no one would know He kneeled down in front of ht of BOB and closed , because he said, ”I knew it I knew thisto you” He moved his hold on me down to my hands Held them more softly ”Good I knew you'd understand I saw it” I heard Bobby' get up from his chair and I heard Leo stop hiet you a drink She'll open her eyes, and we'll all have a drink”

I opened my eyes slowly Leo let my hands rest in my lap I stood up and went to the kitchen for Bobby's drink I could hear the two of theue about so It actually hurt ued I didn't want anyand told them to shut up I wanted thea I wanted to have fun I wanted to be high High like they were I wanted to forget what had happened outside on the road

Bobby caivenhim to shut up in his own house I told him it wasn't luck I knew Leo liked reeo out, just the two of us, next weekwith Laura I hated hi that I wanted to slap him Instead, I told him I didn't ain

We drank for a long ti Leo: I didn't knohat for, but I knew I had to be ready Heat Bobby the whole time Ithe sweet Laura I can't wake her now She doesn't like nights like this She wouldn't want to play I did I needed to be someone different from her I had to shake off whatever calls BOB toI told theo out, into the woods Leo looked pleased and smiled at Bobby He looked back at me, nodded toward my empty drink ”You feelin' fucked up?” I told him I was, but I didn't want to be inside anys too easy

I started to pack up some coke for the woods, and Leo looked atI told hioing toto start to come dohile I' me Said I should relax Then he came over to me, close He said he liked it when I stood up for myself, but there would be no room for that out in the woods

I suddenly picturedht each ti, pleased, lips parting, his hands coain as he slowly applauded my performance

Before we left, Bobby came out of the bathroom and said he'd decided he was tired, didn't want to be around He said he knew that tonight was about Leo and me anyway He said maybe he'd call me in a few days Leo smiled as Bobby slammed the front door shut

”Bobby's a smart boy”

I nodded, but inside I wanted to kill Bobby forme feel bad He wanted Laura, sweet and pure, to run after him, walk home beside him, her hand in his He made me want her for a moment It wasn't safe He didn't understand how unsafe that was for all of us, especially out here The woods needed to see rohat I've become Then they can tell BOB to stay away from me He'll think his job with me is done

Leo came over to me and slipped his hand up my blouse, held er Held my eyes, wouldn't let me look away, said, ”You won't miss his alet” I reached for his ar in et scary, but it would be okay He said if he liked et close He wanted to see ht first, alone

He asked me if I liked to be scared

I said that so I told hiet really hot, I needed to feel that I hadn't felt that for a long ti it

When we left the house, he put a blindfold around my head He whispered, ”Can you feel the darkness?”

I told hi to take you into it Just like you wanted I'll guide you, so you just ith , and as we did, I felt the trees close in aboveuntil it settled, unable to return to the sky I heard Leo breathe Felt his hand onthat feeling in s ? But he wouldn't letuntil he needed to know so from me He was pretty sure, he said, that he would kno I felt without even hearingtime before he stopped And I didn't knohat to do, so I waited For his lead When we finally cain to circle round I could feel his eyes as if they were hands, up and down, following this curve and that He stopped behind irl?”

I wasn't sure if I should answer

”It's okay Go ahead and tell an to feel and san to feelin, and I had to roll ht it Remember what this is about

”The secret is that soht in this spot, I hear voices Sometimes I realize that I'm not alone”

”Whose voices do you hear?”

”The voices I don't know But sometimes, if I am very quiet, I find that I can feel these people aroundabout me, but if you were to try and see them, they would most definitely disappear”

”Do you hear any voices now?”

”I think I hear the in this direction Does that scare you?”

”I don't think so, no” I was ready for a busload of truckers to arrive and begin soe ceremony I suddenly felt very exposed I wondered howto help you sit down Over here”

Leo sat me down and I realized I was in a quite comfortable chair, dead in the middle of the woods What was this place? Had I ever seen it during the day? Music began to play Strange sounds of water, and so I couldn't place and a druh that I was suddenly unable to sense by sound if someone was near me or not

I heard in my ear, ”Wait here relax Enjoy” I'm not sure I can even describe to you the next five hours of time The music was constant, a rhyth More of the hands that were suddenly upon hs, face Voices inaway

I think that there were three different women, and at least four men, Leo included I was tied, eventually to the chair with a rope that bound my hands almost to the point of discoaht conjure late at night, with the exception of farm animals, was performed on, with, or for me It was like I had been sed by a dream, perfect in every way My only responsibility was to maintain my blindness and allow each person his chance to come and be with me

I could hear them, the others ould wait in line to see es I could hear, see the had becoht as they would excite each other to the point of sht, water, electricity, running through thee joy and amazement a thirst when one would reach a climax Even I, who sat away from them as if on display (more a trophy than a freak), felt pleasure in the sounds around es, spent evenings in the woods, forgetting nas and wishes to be held and touched, wanted, and completely accepted, no matter what they looked like, or who they were at work or school the followingat tiy was so thick, I almost felt the air separate, part slowly to letto say a screareater than usual because I could not sense it coh to feel the fingerprints of those who touched me See theht trails behind e was of ht across it, just before sunrise a yellowthe shade that has not finished its stay