Part 3 (1/2)

I came like I never have before My body just couldn't stop, and I had to grab on to the tree, peel off bark in one place, grab again, dig in with my nails and then it slowed I was so ith the marijuana and my little show for the woods that I al naked But I couldn't do that I won this one He hadn't shown up Night or day doesn't count I showed him I wasn't afraid I touched myself under his tree I called to hi to pass this test you'll see If BOB wants nasty, all I need is a little tiirl he wants

On the way out of the woods, I was nearly killed as an oooped down out of nowhere I could feel the power in his wings as he shot byshe has said: ”Many things are not what they see tohtened me No more No, this place I visited is not what it seemed I see now that it is a place of darkness, but I love it I welcoht it, even when it slips deep inside and cuts ht and pleasure inside this horror I am not done with my plan

I'll be back, BOB I'll be back to open and close around you like you thought I never would I'll be back

Laura August 3,1986 Dear Diary, Just to fill you in, I did spend the rest of the day with Troy at the stables Being around hi very strong, very new inside I did not entertain any thoughts of being bad, or wrong, by doing this I was going to stop being hurt and taunted by this man A man I know only by his first name I do not knohere he lives, or where he coa for more

That was alo no,Bobby Briggs is fun He is anywhere I want hi Just yesterday, I decided he had waited too long to be with me the way he wanted I, too, was tired of the process of petting and going ho like a cork had been stuck inside o But I had to let him think I was the fourteen-year-old I appear to be

Mom and Dad left for the entire afternoon, and I told the as they would be, but that I wanted to help with supper that night, so I would be home no later than six-thirty Mom's face shi+ned at the sound of such words I have to keeptheirl should I have to support what I have not chosen, but have, quite siiven Two lives Two very different lives

The naughtier Laura had a date with Bobby Briggs in Lon He said he knew of an abandoned barn out where no one would find us I liked the idea that I would have hio kinda crazy on him I was nervous, for a bit, because I suddenly realized that this was not the BOB I hated, but the young Bobby aggered up to s Laura Palmer and asked if she would be his No matter, I'd play him like he needed me to I kneare that I had never made love with a boy before I kneould be different with soht pull me back to thirteen years old, when I learned to love a ht and cried because he was gone so soon afterward I couldn't let that co ht now at any moment I couldn't fall in love certainly not out loud

Bobby was charet his words out very well, and the blanket he brought on the back of his bike wasn't opening as he tried, diligently, to spread it

Thisa bottle of vodka, a sarette (sorasp as I would have liked, and I had to fall to

He felt very bad, but I turned it around so that he had been more of a hero than a dunce He was neither, but I allowed him to lift me to my feet and steady me with his arms I could think only of how I just wanted to take a drink and do sos co confident One of the reasons I et me smoke anytime I wanthe can have a friend buy us alcohol, anytime I want I like the way that feels, that kind of devotion I enjoy the way he moves, little tiny waves inside him, when I lean in close and say, ”I can't wait, but let's take our time” His immediate smile and his readiness to let me take over first

I, after all, was for the first ti a sexual experience with interest, and affection A little control of my own I kneould take over, once he felt I'd let hi me little treats all the time, I wanted him to feel it orth it that he hadn't chosen a dead fish, like I prohim the smoke, or vodka, I was ready, and I told hiine whatever he wished I told hiination follow me It was just for him, we both knew that I put him, hard, into my mouth, and had a picture in my head of BOB's hand as he did himself as he put my hand on it and then I was back in the barn I slowed it down, found the rhyth inside and I went up and down hi with delicacy,sure I kept hi him in and out of his pleasure He ca internal cliratification A smile

We spent another hour or so buried in each other, until it had to happen and he slipped inside I opened my eyes and saw hi this away Feeling like that would be so easy, and yet, I could not becoether, and I found it easier to handle, easier to really enjoy, with my eyes closed I could move with him, roll around to the top, place his hands where I love to feel theood to me, without any words I wanted him to knoonderful it felt, locked there inside, never wanting to leave, just wanting more and more of me! We rolled and pushed and pulled at each other and came apart hours later, when it was impossible that we doand e had been set free The steel bar I i to flesh, and , about hoould be when someone really wanted me Not because they wanted me to weep or to die slowly of a sadness I could not name Someone who cared how it felt to me, wanted to irls should feel but I could not forget that there were other worlds to think of Other ht Aa black glove I lay there wondering if he would cohtened me, he was somehow eliminated

I couldn't rely on dreams like that And suddenly, there was a terrible problem A terrible and sad probleive! From Bobby's mouth came, slowly, small words of love, then confessions Soon after, promises of loyalty and happiness forever

Laura, Laura, I can't let you hear this Just watch his lips move, do not listen, I told myself, over and over But Bobby meant it He was, after all, the boy who had ad as I wore them, and soon after made a point to pass me at least once a day in the hallways at school, or to catch ht

I knew he had planned this But the Laura who loved hiirl who so desperately hoped he would coht, cannot co Deep inside, cradled in the braver half The one that finds this Bobby boy satisfying, yes, but not interesting beyond that There is no strength in hie I'll keep him with me, save him for her, when it is safe for her to come back But these words of love are too real, too innocent This boy, so young, ishere now

I was forced to do so that would make him, perhaps, rethink the entire idea of Laura He had to see her as soh at hiht I had to shoot hi Laura that BOB wants The one I'h in the face of a boy, who now ain

I had to do it! Why does it hurt so badly to protectfor it? Dammit I know I hurt him I hope someday he will understand why I would never crush sohed at, I don't know that I would ever stand as straight again-never approach someone with even the shter would still ring in s that happen toon ht boy, by forcing me to humiliate him, the way I have been and have now turned cold and bitter because of its scars?Will Bobby pick himself up and see that I did nota ro the day?

What does life want from me? What have I done, and what do I do now?! I only wanted to stop the pain, not to begin spreading itthat had to be done has been done If this is so victory if I show any regret any remorse I cannot care IIf he does not, I shall master the whistle he responds to Let the boy earn ive out only when I feel like it, never just because I'll beco

I'll find a way to do it I can't give up I don't even believe half the tier,herself to threats and games played only in the dark

When I find out who he is, I'll ust 3,1986 Dear Diary, It is a little after ten PM on the evening of the disaster with Bobby Briggs I ao, andsotoo quick to recite such oaths of love when maybe I didn't find that attractive in a boy That maybe I wanted someone who had to be broken a bit, before it all came outHe toldto say it so quickly

The whole thing sounded like it had been picked word for word out of the dictionary or thesaurus, and I couldn't help but wish for aI, and I'irls everywhere, even outside of the Peaks, drea a boy say He's chosen his words carefully, tried to prove he is still, hours after his orgasm, in love Another miracleand what do I do? I am forced to keep silent on the phone, to stifle words of love, from my own heart, sirand scheme to drive me, no brakes in the fast lane, down the road of insanity

I am trapped inside a part of me I hate A hard, ht, after small memories and scars co as well as horrifying-and I fight to save the Laura I wish I could be again The one everyone thinks is still around Me in a sundress, hair in the wind, and a sraved into my cheeks by the sharp fear that aand try to kill ust 4,1986 3:30 AM

Dear Diary, It co After repeating it to es it see him for the sole purpose of battle To join the darkness, and perhaps cling to the bit of light reth it should always have been

Ah, the fairness of life That special mo, STOP, she is dying! This child is dying without a safety feature everyone else seems to wrestle with, as if it were an inconvenience

I searched carefully and have found a space inside me that says that it is alirl fifteen, but the eyes of someone who has been afraid to look around herself and to question the sis My ines life to be a series of warm sweaters, while the cold spell passes by

It warns s to someone who knows tooHow it deals us blows, dares us to dreaes to leave out that there is a plan etched in the planet for me Thisa day's events, or even a ht for the very first tireat evil and stealth chooses you Spins a bottle of sorts and giggles at the power in a siust 6,1986 4:47 AM

Dear Diary, I cannot let h theI have to be ready

I have thought a great deal aboutwithout my own permission I believe when he comes to take h satisfied by the brutal death of an enemy, or I will never return And in death adth nor of his will

For now I aes to rise eachand exit the place I latelywere less noticeable than the trail of blood left behind o

I do not doubt that BOB is aware of my every h when the sun shi+nes or perhaps curls up below Noeach speck of doubt, sensing each palpitation of my heart when a boy passes, each e of how far away her daughter's bedroom has become

I try each day to memorize the face that looks back at ine I'll be in flight when I compare it to my remains that I often dreae to charge at the sky, to call the wind a liar for never showing itself An urge to scream at the tho allowed my birth Cries for help to anyone ill hear them To scream into the street that there is a lack of miracles in Mother Nature herself Her divinity is a lie

In a forest of trees again and again, I have been brought down Surgery of a strange and indescribable nature takes place Blood is let This Mother Nature has not done aith this evil, nor has it opened its wood to allow a scream to escape Instead, it cradles this ht He knows the planet will not betray hiht will come, and stay, leave only to return on schedule He has a pro a twelve-hour fix of the two extre which rescue is least possible, and whenon swing sets are fast asleep Their eyes

Never is there a noise that stirs even those who sleep in the next room Never does the world lean a bit for me, cast a vote, and cause an eye to open See the e of my face in a scream No explanation for WHY he has chosen me, or even if he has a final plan

I can only wait Hold ht to see who in fact is the darkest Who, when forced to see the other side, will in fact survive?

I sit awaiting his arrival, kept awake by the notion that I shall grow accustoht

Laura September 10,1986 Dear Diary, Enclosed please find my mind and its memory As well, a characteristic the enemy lack in excess-conscience ”Guilt” is siard for er

How could such an intruder fear death, or the possibility of ie to co myas if it were fa dressed in the clothes of one who could be a best friend A neighbor A traveling salesoes as far as to request coffee, regular, before dissolving into the daydream he sometimes is?

Does he expect to sit down and chat before taking the house's only child fro her like an experi hi myself, or he has told my parents of his visits and has offered, in return for their own safety, that these visits will continue without possibility of interruption They would siine that they would have to hear me as I am led out Is it possible they do not care?

L