Part 33 (1/2)

Rox read the note over one more time before sending it out. Glancing at the clock, she noticed it was nearly 2 a.m. Yawning loudly, she rose from her chair and made her way down one flight of stairs to her room where she promptly disrobed and slipped a baseball jersey over her head to sleep in. Crawling between the sheets, she pulled the blankets up under her chin and laced her fingers behind her head. For the next half hour, she stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

What do I really feel for Ca.s.s? she asked herself. She certainly is beautiful ... and intelligent ... and capable. Do I love her? I don't know... Is this what love feels like? Christ, Rox, you have got to get your life together, she thought. Maybe it's too soon to have a relations.h.i.+p. Maybe you need to give yourself some time to recover from the disastrous life you lived with Chris.

Rox rolled over onto her side and pulled her knees to her chest. Her mind continued to wander.

Nikki and Jerri seem so sure of their love. Will I ever have that kind of security in a relations.h.i.+p? Could I have that with Ca.s.s? Do I WANT that with Ca.s.s? she questioned. Christ, woman ... you need to confront your feelings ... you need to understand what all this means ... you need to understand the consequences of entering into this kind of relations.h.i.+p.

Rox suddenly sat up as a disturbing thought entered her mind. Oh G.o.d! What about Mom and Dad? What will they think? How do I tell them? 'Ah, by the way, Mom, Dad, I'm a lesbian!' Holy s.h.i.+t! How would they take it? Would they disown me? Can I send my father to his grave with that on his mind? G.o.d I hate this!

Rox pulled her knees up and dropped her forehead down to meet them, trying desperately to clear her mind of these disturbing thoughts. Soon, her eyes started to close as she nearly lost her balance and toppled onto her side, catching herself before she fell. Stretching out her legs, she laid down and pulled the blankets up once more. Within minutes, she was fast asleep.

CHAPTER x.x.x.

7:00 A.M. SAt.u.r.dAY morning found Ca.s.s already up, dressed and finis.h.i.+ng her morning run. Having gone to bed so early the night before, she had awakened at 5:30 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep. After her workout and a leisurely breakfast with Angie, she ran home and showered, and by 9 a.m., was curled up comfortably on the couch, doing the crossword from the newspaper.

”Let's see ...,” she said out loud, ”five letter word for postal telecommunications,”

E-mail. Enforcer answered for her.

”E-mail ... that fits! Thanks E!” she replied. ”E-mail .....,” she said again, looking wistfully toward the office.

Do you think she's called, E? she asked herself.

h.e.l.l! You're a sucker for punishment - go check! Enforcer urged.

Rising to her feet, Ca.s.s crossed the room in three strides and pushed the door open. Seconds later, she was sitting in front of the computer, waiting once more for it to go through it's long boot-up process. Her leg nervously shook up and down as she made threatening gestures toward the CPU. Just as her patience was stretched to the limit, the boot-up completed, allowing her to select Nestcape Messenger. Knowing she would surely throw the computer out the window if she was forced to sit through the long dial-up process, she retreated to the kitchen and make a cup of coffee. By the time she returned to the office, the server had delivered one piece of new mail to her inbox. It was from Rox.

She replied E! Ca.s.s exclaimed to her alter ego as she opened the note.

Whoop-tee-do, Ca.s.s. Do you want me to cheer or do cartwheels? Enforcer asked sarcastically.

Ignoring her own caustic thoughts, Ca.s.s read the note three times, her heart rising higher in her throat with each pa.s.s. Clicking the 'reply' b.u.t.ton, she began composing a reply.

”Dearest Rox,

Please don't apologize for your harsh tones. I sorely deserved them. I am generally not a coward, but I couldn't bear the thought that you had rejected me. I have never been so heartbroken in my life.

Rox, I know you're scared. I was terrified when I realized I was gay. It was all so new to me. It wasn't very well accepted by my family, nor by the community I was living in at the time. I know it's hard to separate the emotions from the gender... but Nikki is right, this is about love, and I love you with all my heart.

Rox, you are the only one who can decide if this type of love is right for you. I know how confused you are. The only way you will know for sure is to explore the possibility ... at your own pace. Please let me be the one you explore it with. I promise to be patient ... I promise not to push you into something you are not ready for. I know you may decide in the end that lesbian love is NOT for you. That is a chance I am willing to take.

Nikki and Jerri seem like wonderful friends, Rox. Learn by their experience. Jerri is right ... it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. To be connected to another human being on such an emotionally intimate level ... Rox, the physical side of lesbian love is such a small part of what it's all about. It is a blending of two souls, two hearts, two minds, on a level that isn't possible in male/female relations.h.i.+ps. The physical expression only adds to the beauty. I so long to share my soul, heart and mind with you, my love.

Rox, I want to be with you. I love you. I want to help you understand these feelings. I want to be there to hold you when you open your eyes each morning. I want to make love to you each night. I want to hold you when you cry and take care of you when you're ill. I want to envelop you in a coc.o.o.n of love and protect you from the less pleasurable side of life. Rox, I want to dedicate the rest of my life to making you happy and whole. Talk to me, Rox.

I love you with everything that I am,

Ca.s.s”

Feeling very sure that Rox would see the love she had written into her words, she eagerly clicked on 'send', holding her breath as the note disappeared from the screen.

G.o.d, I really need to get to work on this book. My agent is going to kill me if I delay the deadline any more, Rox thought as she selected the word processor resident on her hard drive. She woke up at 9 a.m., and an hour later, started collecting research information through the Internet, for her next chapter on distant galaxies. In the middle of her research, Nikki called and invited herself over for lunch, promising to be there within an hour. Hanging up the phone, Rox absently selected her word processor, sending the Netscape icon to her toolbar in standby mode.

Rox was deeply absorbed in her research when Nikki poked her head into the office. ”I'm taking orders ... got any requests?” she asked.

Rox looked up and graced her best friend with a brilliant smile. ”Good Morning, Nik,” she said. ”I didn't hear you come in.”

”You know, Rox. One of these days, leaving your door unlocked while you're squirreled away in this attic office is going to get you ripped off,” Nikki warned. ”You're lucky I wasn't a burglar or something.”

Rox just shrugged and turned her attention back to the papers in front of her.

”Well?” Nikki asked.

”Well, what?” Rox replied.

”Lunch?” came the answer.

”Oh!” Rox said, embarra.s.sed that she was so distracted. ”Ah, hold on. I'll give you a hand. I need a break anyway.” Pus.h.i.+ng herself away from the desk, she rose to her feet and followed her friend down the stairs. Seconds later, an exclamation mark appeared next to the envelope icon on the bottom right corner of her screen. She had new mail.

”So, have you heard from Ca.s.s?” Nikki asked as she spooned some soup into her mouth.

”No, I haven't,” Rox replied. ”I sent a note last night apologizing for being so harsh in my last note, but no reply has come through as of this morning,” Rox said, disappointment tingeing her voice.

”Maybe she's angry with you, Rox. You know, it was pretty rude of you to run away from her like that,” Nikki pointed out.