Part 46 (1/2)

He turned round quickly. The feeling that she was so close to him tore away the last shred of his self-control. ”You know that I love you,” he said, his voice shaking with pa.s.sion.

Her face in an instant was colourless. She stood quite still, almost touching him, as though she did not dare move. Her eyes were fixed on his with a frightened, fascinated look.

”You know it. You have known it a long time. Now what are you going to say to me?”

She looked at him without speaking or moving.

”Anna, what are you going to say to me?” he cried; and he caught up her hands and kissed them one after the other, hardly knowing what he did, beside himself with love of her.

She watched him helplessly. She felt faint and sick. She had had a miserable day, and was completely overwhelmed by this last misfortune.

Her good friend Axel was gone, gone for ever. The pleasant friends.h.i.+p was done. In place of the friend she so much needed, of the friends.h.i.+p she had found so comforting, there was--this.

”Won't you--won't you let my hands go?” she said faintly. She did not know him again. Was it possible that this agony of love was for her? She knew herself so well, she knew so well what it was for which he was evidently going to break his heart. How wonderful, how pitiful beyond expression, that a good man like Axel should suffer anything because of her. And even in the midst of her fright and misery the thought would not be put from her that if she had happened to look like the baroness or Fraulein Kuhrauber, while inwardly remaining exactly as she was, he would not have broken his heart for her. ”Oh, let me go----” she whispered; and turned her head aside, and shut her eyes, unable to look any longer at the love and despair in his.

”But what are you going to say to me?”

”Oh, you know--you know----”

”But you are so sorry always for people who suffer----”

”Oh, stop--oh, stop!”

”No, I won't stop; here have I been condemned to look on at you lavis.h.i.+ng love on people who don't want it, don't like it, are wearied by it--who don't know how precious it is, how priceless it is, and how I am hungering and thirsting--oh, starving, starving, for one drop of it----” His voice shook, and he fell once more to covering her hands with kisses that seemed to scorch her soul.

This was very dreadful. Her soul had never been scorched before.

Something must be done to stop him. She could not stand there with her eyes shut and her hands being kissed for ever. ”_Please_ let me go,” she entreated faintly; and in her helplessness began to cry.

He instantly released her, and she stood before him crying. What a horrible thing it was to lose her friend, to be forced to hurt him. ”I never dreamt that you--that you----” she wept.

”What, that I loved you?” he asked incredulously; but more gently, subdued by her deep distress. His face grew very hopeless. She was crying because she was sorry for him.

”I don't know--I think I did dream that--lately--once or twice--but I never dreamt that it was so bad--that you were such a--such a--such a volcano. Oh, Axel, why are you a volcano?” she cried, looking up at him, the tears rolling down her cheeks. ”Why have you spoilt everything? It was so nice before. We were such friends. And now--how can I be friends with a volcano?”

”Anna, if you make fun of me----”

”Oh no, no--as though I would--as though I could do anything so unutterable. But don't let us be tragic. Oh, don't let us be tragic. You know my plans--you know my plans inside out, from beginning to end--how can I, how _can_ I marry anybody?”

”Good G.o.d, those women--those women who are not happy, who have spoilt your happiness, they are to spoil mine now--ours, Anna?” He seized her arm as though he would wake her at all costs from a fatal sleep. ”Do you mean to say that if it were not for those women you would be my wife?”

”Oh, if only you wouldn't be tragic----”

”Do you mean to say that is the reason?”

”Oh, isn't it sufficient----”

”No. If you cared for me it would be no reason at all.”

She cried bitterly. ”But I don't,” she sobbed. ”Not like that--not in that way. It is atrocious of me not to--I know how good you are, how kind, how--how everything. And still I don't. I don't know why I don't, but I don't. Oh, Axel, I am so sorry--don't look so wretched--I can't bear it.”