Part 15 (1/2)

There.

Uh, what? Fam is holding my hand. Kinda.

It's like someone's shoved a steel rod down through my spine; suddenly I can't bend my neck or my back at all. I'm sitting upright like I'm in a posture cla.s.s from h.e.l.l.

”I want to help you, Kross,” she says.

”I don't need help from a freshman.”

She jerks her hand away. When I look over at her, her face has become a map of hurt.

”I'm not an idiot, Kross. I can help.”

I don't say anything. She still wants to help me? After what I just said?

”I have the Internet at home. I know you don't. I can look things up for you. You know. If you need me to.”

So now I feel like the worst person in the world. ”I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'm just all...” All what? I don't even know. I don't know why I'm doing any of this.

I tell Fam that, saying it before I've even really decided to. It feels good to say it out loud.

”Maybe because it helps you?” she says. ”Or takes your mind off of something else?”

And d.a.m.n-she's right. For the most part, when I'm thinking about the ribbons and the flag and free speech, I'm not thinking about Leah and the d.a.m.n videotape and the horrible truth.

She strokes my shoulder for a moment. ”It'll be OK, Kevin.” It's the first time she's ever used my real name as opposed to my Fool name. It sounds strange coming from her lips.

”Why are you even here?”

”I like you, Kevin.” Kevin again.

”But ... you're dating Flip.”

Her face freezes except for her eyelids, which blink rapidly. Then, without warning, she barks out a loud, high laugh.

”Not like that, Kross! As a friend. A good friend. You were always the one who was nice to me. G.o.d, why do you have to be one of those guys?”

”What guys?”

”One of those guys who wors.h.i.+p women.”

I can't help laughing. ”Yeah, as if.”

She rolls her eyes. ”Oh, puh-lease. I've seen you around girls. It's like you're way down here”-she holds a hand as far down as she can go-”and we're way up here.” She stretches so that her other hand is up over her head. She looks like she should be saying, No, I swear to G.o.d, that fish was this big!

”I don't...” But I can't finish it because ... Is that real? Is that me?

”It's like ... It's like...” She stops stretching out and returns to normal and fumbles for words for a second like Dad. ”It's like girls aren't real people.”

”Hey! That's not fair. I know girls are-”

”They're more than real people,” she says. ”That's why we're way up high. It's like a girl is a treasure to you. Something to win or conquer. Or something so high up you can never get it. Untouchable. So it's like they might as well be nothing if you can never have one.”

She folds her arms across her chest and nods triumphantly, which is a neat trick. I wish I knew how to nod triumphantly.

I don't want to answer her. Because, really, there's a grand total of two women in my life: Mom and Leah. One of them is three thousand miles away and untouchable and might as well be nothing. The other is right here and still untouchable and I want her to be like a treasure I could win or conquer, but in the end, she might as well be nothing, too.

Wow.

”You're, uh, you're pretty smart, Fam.”

”For a freshman?”

”No. Period.”

She grins at me. There's this part of me that wishes her smile made her beautiful, but it doesn't. And then I wonder if that matters at all. I think of my own smile, the one I hate.

”-treated me differently,” she's saying.

”What?”

She rolls her eyes. ”Come on. I'm not stupid. I know how everyone else reacted when Joey brought me into the Council.” It takes me half a second to remember: Joey=Flip.

”Jedi was really p.i.s.sed,” she remembers. ”Speedo never once looked in my eyes when he was talking to me-he was always looking at my b.o.o.bs.”

What b.o.o.bs? I think. Which is mean, but true.

”t.i.t would hardly talk to me at all. But you were nice, Kross. Even nicer than Joey, if you want to know the truth. And when you saved Leah, I knew you were a good guy.” She smiles at me, and it's really not a bad smile, but it just makes me feel worse.

”Fam, what if I told you...” I stop. No. No way.

”Told me what?”

What if I told you the truth? That I'm no hero. That on that day, I...

”Nothing.” I can't do it. I change the subject: ”If Flip isn't nice to you, why do you stay with him?”

”Oh, he's not so bad. All boys are jerks in high school.”

”Not me.”