Part 28 (2/2)
”Any more bleeding?”
”No . . . Bardan knew before I told Kal, actually. He sensed it.” She let out a long sigh and clasped her hands on her belly as if it were much larger than it actually was. ”Is he still angry with me?”
”You'd know if he was. Kal'buir just tries too hard to put the galaxy right for us, but it can't b”e done, and it isn't his job to do it now that we're grown men.”
”Have you ever told him that?”
”Not in those words, exactly.”
”So you're scared of him, too.”
”No. I'm scared of not being worthy of him.”
”No pressure, then ...”
It was hard when someone devoted their entire life to your welfare, a mounting debt that never got paid. Ordo wanted to see Kal'buir get a decent night's sleep in a proper bed, and have his ankle fixed. He wanted him to find a nice woman to take care of him; in fact, he wanted all the things for his buir that the man wanted for his sons, more or less. ”I'd better warn him we're coming when we drop out of hypers.p.a.ce.”
”Why didn't you call him earlier?”
”Because he would have told me to take you back to Coruscant, and I would never disobey him.”
”Even if he's wrong?”
Ordo didn't always agree with Skirata, but that was a long way from his being wrong. ”He needs me there.”
”And am I going to be any use like this?”
”You don't have to be useful.”
”What's the big deal with Dorumaa anyway? Because I know Kal would never take a leave, let alone in the middle of a war.”
There was no point keeping it from her. She'd find out as soon as they touched down. ”Ko Sai.”
”What about her?”
”I think they've found her, and that means her research, too.”
Etain was suddenly very quiet. He could hear her breath-ing but kept his eyes on the streaked starscape in front of him.
”Kal wasn't just ranting, then.”
”No.” She didn't understand him at all. ”Mereel has been tracking her for months. Unfortunately...” Ordo wondered whether it was wise to tell her that Jusik had tipped off Skirata. It wasn't. If they wanted to confide in each other as Jedi, that was up to Bard'ika. ”Unfortunately, Delta caught up with one of his informants and so they're heading for Dorumaa, too, on the Chancellor's personal orders to capture her.”
This time he did glance at Etain, and she looked like a scared child. Her mouth was slightly open and she was an awful color, almost gray; he should never have mentioned it The last thing she needed in her state was another thing to fret about, but if she didn't worry about it now, she'd have to worry about it when they landed, and he couldn't possibly have left her on Qiilura any longer to do more worrying with only the shapes.h.i.+fters for company.
”You really are crazy, aren't you?” Etain said.
”Me personally?”
”Kal and the Nulls going up against Delta... and defying Palpatine?”
He struggled to rea.s.sure her. ”We're not fighting Delta. We're just getting there first. No harm done.”
”Ordo, this private-army thing has to stop. You can't do this. You'll end up being shot for treason.”
That rang all the wrong bells with Ordo. She might have said it as a general warning, but it was a little too close to the hidden reality of Sull and the other ARC troopers who wanted out of the GAR.
”So you know they put us down like animals, do you?”
”I was just...”
He wanted to put it to her straight: did the Jedi know about executions? Did they ever discuss what went on once the battles were over? But he knew Kal'buir would be angry if he raised Etain's blood pressure and harmed the child, so he bit his lip-literally-and let his anger and mistrust pa.s.s.
She's just a kid. She's just like Bard'ika, only not as confident and as good at the job. You have to back off.
It was a physical effort to shut up. Ordo could taste salt and metal, blood wet on his lip. ”I'm sorry.” He focused on what Skirata would want and fought down the impulse to take out his resentment and frustration on Etain, not because it was unfair but because it might lead to events that would upset Kal'buir and Darman. He wanted to ask her why only a handful of Jedi objected to a slave army, and why they could claim to believe in the sanct.i.ty of all life and yet treat some life as being exempt from that respect. It was a question he should have put to Zey, too. Instead he parted his lips and heard himself say, ”Let's change the subject. If Besany's offered to cook dinner for me, does she mean dinner, or ...”
He trailed off. Etain was staring at him with the look of someone who'd seen a terrible accident, and he had no idea how to phrase the question anyway, but he did want to know the answer. The width of the c.o.c.kpit was just over two meters. Etain reached across and grabbed his arm so hard that he flinched.
”Can we roll this back a bit, Ordo? Please? Who's putting down clones? Does Zey know about this?”
He didn't have to be Force-sensitive to know she was disturbed by what he'd said. ”Seeing as it's ARC troopers being hunted down by covert ops troopers, maybe Zey authorizes it, even if they're not all in his chain of command. He wasn't slow to give the nod to Kal'buir to carry out illegal a.s.sa.s.sinations that can't be traced back to him, was he?” Ordo wiped his lip on the back of his hand. ”I just don't know. And I shouldn't have told you.”
”But you did, and now I'm mad about it.”
”n.o.body leaves the Grand Army except in a body bag, Etain.” He decided to soften the impact by dropping her rank, which would have sounded like an accusation right then. ”Once that story gets around, what do you think that'll do to loyalty, let alone morale?”
Etain seemed to be framing difficult words. ”Ordo, I can't help being a Jedi. I never had any more choice than you did, and I can't turn off my Force abilities any more than you can switch off your brain. So you scare me, because I can sense the dark side in you, all the violence and anger, but it's all pushed down, and I just wonder when you're finally going to erupt and lose control.”
It was nothing he didn't know already. Kal 'buir said you couldn't breed men the way the Kaminoans did and expect anything else-and the aiwha-bait had no interest in producing happy, well-adjusted clones, just lethal and disciplined ones. It wasn't as if they were going to be around long enough to ponder the meaning of their existence and work out that they'd had a raw deal.
Is that what Besany sees? A psycho? She never seems afraid of me. Would she say if she was?
”Etain, you're not responsible for the whole Jedi Order,” he said. ”But I don't feel much when I kill, because it's just something that needs doing, and I don't kill for fun. I don't even think all life deserves respect. All I care about is me and mine. If that means killing some more, I won't lose any sleep.”
”If it helps,” Etain said, ”I reached the point where I didn't care how many farmers got killed on Qiilura as long as no more of my troops did. I don't think the Jedi Council would approve of that, but I'll learn to live with it. I think they justify turning a blind eye to the reality of the army by the in-verse process.”
As small talk went, it was one of the worst experiences Ordo had ever had. He had nothing more to say, and swiveled a few degrees in his seat to check the course and revise the deceleration point to drop out of hypers.p.a.ce. No wonder Mandalorians had generally taken the Separatist side in this war: the Republic was rotting from the core outward, soft and corrupt, detached from everything outside the orbit of Coruscant unless it could milk it dry. But taking out his dis-gust on a frightened, pregnant girl who was as disenfranchised as he was-disenfranchised, that was it-wasn't the Mando way. Ordo felt deeply ashamed, as if his anger had been an entirely separate person for those few moments, not even part of him. He always did when it got the better of him. Etain had a point.
”What are you going to do if Venku turns out to be Force-sensitive?” he asked, striving for a truce.
”He will be.” Etain patted her belly. ”I can tell. And I won't let him be taken like I was. I'll teach him how to handle the powers he develops, if Kal will let me, but he won't be a Jedi. I don't need Kal to forbid me.”
”Did you realize he'll probably have a normal life span?”
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