Part 9 (2/2)
”This is not on you, Noah,” Logan Carter said in a low tone as he came to stand beside me. ”So don't you dare believe otherwise.”
”She was never cut out for this world, Low,” I heard myself say, eyes locked on my mother's casket. ”All that...suffering and pain.” I left out a heavy sigh. ”f.u.c.k, man, I hope she's in a better place now.”
”I believe she is, Noah,” he replied. ”Someplace good. Somewhere her demons can't chase her.”
Nodding slowly, I took in his words. That was the best reply I could have heard in that moment. I didn't need anyone p.u.s.s.yfooting around me or feeling sorry for me. I just needed those exact words.
Somewhere her demons can't chase her.
”I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready for the whole family thing,” I told him, admitting for the first time the real reason why I was pus.h.i.+ng Low and his family away.
I had always cared about the Carter's, and knowing they were related to me by blood only deepened those feelings, which sent out huge red flags in my brain.
”I'm used to doing this whole life gig on my own,” I confessed. From my past experiences, caring about people only brought me pain and suffering. It gave my enemies a way in to hurt me. I had been dragged into the underground because of my duty to my mother. I was in this f.u.c.king mess because I had dared to let myself fall in love with Thorn and that love was used against me. ”I don't want a family right now,” I added gruffly. ”I'm not...ready for that, man. I can do this on my own.”
”I know you're not ready to play happy families, Noah, and that's okay. But you need to know that you have one to fall back on,” he replied, squeezing my shoulder. ”Always.”
I stood beside Logan, unmoving and emotionless for the rest of the service until it was over. Kyle and approached me in the parking lot just as I was climbing back into the cop car.
”Five minutes,” Smith who had accompanied me to the funeral said, nodding at me, giving me permission to go speak to him.
I waited for Smith and Marshall to move away before I turned to face my brother.
”Kyle.” I acknowledged, shaking my oldest brother's hand. ”It's been a long time.”
”It's been too long,” he told me in a pa.s.sionate tone before pulling me into a hug.
”Extended the nest?” I asked dryly, nodding towards where Lee was crouched down and talking to the two little boys. ”How many is that a dozen?”
”Six.” Kyle chuckled. ”And just you wait until you have a baby in your woman's belly. It's addictive.”
”I think I'll pa.s.s,” I replied in a flat tone, forcing down the image of Teagan, swollen with my child inside of her. ”I'm not really a family man.”
”s.h.i.+t, that was insensitive,” Kyle muttered.
Lee poked her head around her husband's shoulder then, breaking the awkwardness. When her eyes landed on me, her entire face lit up with happiness. ”Look at you all grown up,” she drawled in that sweet southern voice of hers. ”Cash, Casey, come say hi to your Uncle Noah.”
Within seconds two little monsters surrounded me, tugging at the legs of my pants.
”Hi, Uncle Noah,” the boys sang out in chorus.
”Uh...hi?” Looking to Lee for help, she smirked and shook her head before taking a few steps back.
”Jesus Christ,” I muttered, crouching down to get a better look at them. ”Did you go into the cloning business while I've been away, Kyle?” I asked when I took in their identical faces.
One of the boys, and I wasn't sure which one, stepped forward and pressed his small hand to my cheek. I almost jumped back from the touch. I wasn't used to feeling anything gentle.
”What's your name, kid?” I asked, not having a clue what else to say.
”Casey,” he told me, with blue eyes full of innocence and kindness. ”I'm sorry your mommy went to heaven.”
”Thanks kid,” I croaked out. ”Appreciate it.”
”My brother Cam said you're the best fighter in the whole wide world,” the other boy, Cash, announced excitedly.
”He did?” I replied. ”Well, he's right about that.”
”Really?” His little face lit up. ”Oh man, that's so cool.
”Do you fight all the bad guys?” Casey, clearly the quieter twin, asked. ”Are you a superhero?”
”Messina?” Smith called out from the squad car, breaking my train of thought. ”Time to go.”
”Uh...” I scratched my head and had to dig really f.u.c.king deep to find an answer to that question that wouldn't scar the boys for life. ”Stay in school, boys,” was all I could come up with. I stood and made my way over to Smith and Marshall.
”We'll see you soon, Noah,” Lee called out when I was sitting in the back of the car.
”Yeah,” I replied, knowing in my heart that it wasn't true.
Uncle Noah.
I wasn't cut out to be anyone's uncle.
Are you a superhero?
f.u.c.k. My. Life.
I PHONED THE PRISON AGAIN last night and left a message my third one this week.
Of course I didn't actually get through to anyone useful, but I had to try because ever since Hope told me about Noah's mother dying last week, I couldn't get him out of my head. All he had gone through with George Dennis and those criminals had been to keep his mother safe.
And now she was dead.
It made my heart hurt so badly. The unfairness of it all was crippling.
I didn't use my own name when I called and spoke to his correctional officer. Instead, I swiped Hope's phone and pretended to be her, calling to check in on my uncle.
I never expected him to return my call.
But as I sat here in the office of the gym Liam and I had taken over running from his uncle six months ago, with my phone vibrating in my hand, I felt a swell of emotions churning through me.
I didn't want to talk to Noah.
I just needed to know he was okay.
At least I didn't think I wanted to talk to him...
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