Part 35 (2/2)

A junior minister having to a.s.sist at a church in a remote part of Aberdeens.h.i.+re, the parochial minister (one of the old school) promised his young friend a good gla.s.s of whiskey-toddy after all was over, adding slily and very significantly, ”and gude _smuggled_ whiskey.”

His southern guest thought it inc.u.mbent to say, ”Ah, minister, that's wrong, is it not? You know it is contrary to Act of Parliament.”

The old Aberdonian could not so easily give up his fine whiskey, so he quietly said: ”Oh, Acts of Parliament lose their breath before they get to Aberdeens.h.i.+re.”

=Concentrated Caution=

The most cautious answer certainly on record is that of the Scotchman who, being asked if he could play a fiddle, warily answered that he ”couldna say, for he had never tried.”

=A ”Grave” Hint=

Mr. Mearns, of Kineff Manse, gave an exquisitely characteristic ill.u.s.tration of beadle _professional_ habits being made to bear upon the tender pa.s.sion. A certain beadle had fancied the manse house-maid, but at a loss for an opportunity to declare himself, one day--a Sunday--when his duties were ended, he looked sheepish, and said, ”Mary, wad _ye_ tak' a turn, Mary?”

He led her to the churchyard, and pointing with his finger, he got out: ”My fowk lie there, Mary; wad ye like to lie there?”

The _grave_ hint was taken, and she became his wife.

=A Spiritual Barometer=

There was an old bachelor clergyman whose landlady declared that he used to express an opinion of his dinner by the grace which he made to follow. When he had a good dinner which pleased him, and a good gla.s.s of beer with it, he poured forth the grace, ”For the richest of Thy bounty and its blessings we offer our thanks.” When he had had poor fare and poor beer, his grace was, ”We thank Thee for the least of these Thy mercies.”

=A New Application of ”The Argument from Design”=

An honest Highlander, a genuine lover of snees.h.i.+n, observed, standing at the door of the Blair Athole Hotel, a magnificent man in full tartans, and noticed with much admiration the wide dimensions of his nostrils in a fine up-turned nose. He accosted him and, as his most complimentary act, offered him his mull for a pinch.

The stranger drew up and rather haughtily said: ”I never take snuff.”

”Oh,” said the other, ”that's a peety, for there's gran'

_accommodation_.”

=Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church=

I had an anecdote from a friend of a reply from a betheral (beadle) to the minister _in_ church, which was quaint and amusing from the shrewd self-importance it indicated in his own acuteness. The clergyman had been annoyed during the course of his sermon by the restlessness and occasional whining of a dog, which at last began to bark outright. He looked out for the beadle, and directed him very peremptorily, ”John, carry that dog out.”

John looked up to the pulpit and, with a very knowing expression, said: ”Na, na, sir; I'se just mak' him gae out on his ain four legs.” [7]

=Born Too Late=

A popular English nonconformist minister was residing with a family in Glasgow, while on a visit to that city, whither he had gone on a deputation from the Wesleyan Missionary Society. After dinner, in reply to an invitation to partake of some fine fruit, he mentioned to the family a curious circ.u.mstance concerning himself, viz.: that he had never in his life tasted an apple, pear, or grape, or indeed any kind of green fruit. This fact seemed to evoke considerable surprise from the company, but a cautious Scotchman, of a practical matter-of-fact turn of mind, and who had listened with much unconcern, drily remarked: ”It's a peety but ye had been in Paradise, an' there might na hae been ony faa'.”

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