Part 30 (1/2)

The doctor had gone off to the printer's with his laborious and valuable work, ”The Harmony of the Four Gospels.” On being further asked what this useless work might be which engaged a minister's time and attention, the blacksmith replied: ”He's gane to mak' four men agree wha never cast (fell) out.”

=A New Story Book--at the Time=

Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a Lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary.

”Well, Mr. ----,” said Sir Walter, ”how do you like your book?”

”They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter,” replied the laird, ”but they're unco' short.”

=Will Any Gentleman Oblige ”a Lady”?=

In a tramway car at Glasgow, one wet afternoon, a woman of fifty--made up to look as nearly like twenty-five as possible--got on board at a crossing, to find every seat occupied. She stood for a moment, and then selecting a poorly dressed man of about forty years of age, she observed: ”Are there no gentlemen on the car?”

”I dinna ken,” he replied, as he looked up and down. ”If there's nane, I'll hunt up one for you at the end of the line.”

There was an embarrasing silence for a moment, and then a light broke in on him all of a sudden, and he rose and said: ”But ye can hae this seat: I'm aye wellin' to stan' and gi'e my seat to an _auld_ bodie.”

That decided her. She gave him a look which he will not forget till his dying day, and grasping the strap she refused to sit down, even when five seats had become vacant.

=Ham and Cheese=

On one occasion the late Rev. Walter Dunlop, of the U.P. Church, Dumfries, after a hard day's labor, and while at ”denner-tea,” as he called it, kept incessantly praising the ”haam,” and stating that ”Mrs.

Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was,” when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham.

”It's unco' kin' o' ye, unco' kin'--but I'll no' pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me.”

When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into the sack, some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot.

”I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' would mak' a gran'

balance.”

The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his ”balance true.” [7]

=”A Reduction on a Series”=

When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a great heiress whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the ”priest”

at Gretna Green, stating that Captain ---- had reported the canonical charge to be only five s.h.i.+llings. ”True,” replied Vulcan, ”but Captain ---- is an Irishman, and I've married him five times; so I consider him a regular customer; whereas, I may never see your face again.”

=The Selkirk Grace=[1]

Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit. [2]

=Inconsistencies of ”G.o.d's People”=