Part 17 (2/2)
”An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?”
”Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?”
”'Deed, sir, I canna tell.”
”Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot.”
=The Value of a Laugh in Sickness=
Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century, being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking round the beast, said gravely, ”If she live, she live; and if she die, she die; and I can do nae mair for her.” Not long afterwards, he was dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating the same words which the bishop had p.r.o.nounced when walking round the cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the quinsy, and saved his life.
=Why Israel Made a Golden Calf=
The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The question was: ”Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?”
”They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a _coo'_.” [9]
=An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory=
A parochial inc.u.mbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with ”could kail hot again,” in the shape of sermons that he had previously given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to him, ”I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place.” [8]
=Sharpening His Teeth=
An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it was all right.
”But, Donald,” said his master, after some further trial of a hungry man's patience, ”are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?”
”_Understand!_” retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found the guest engaged at his toilet); ”I'se warrant ye he understands; he's _sharpening_ his teeth--” not supposing the toothbrush could be of any other use.
=Droll Solemnity=
An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a newspaper, thus moralized: ”Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to.”
”Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!” was the reply of the youngest sister.
=Matrimony a Cure for Blindness=
An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the inequality of their ages.
”She will be near me,” he replied, ”to close my een.”
”Weel,” remarked another party, ”I've had twa wives, and they _opened_ my een.”
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