Part 16 (2/2)

Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady mother, hearing a noise in the _nursery_, rang to know the cause of it.

”It's only,” said the servant, ”the major greetin' (crying) for his porridge!”

=A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account=

An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. ”Weel, ye see, sir,” said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb towards the grave, ”him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance, an' I'll better tak' it.'”

=”Hearers Only--Not Doers”=

Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran, who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? ”Brethren, when you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then you'll see them sooming to the sh.o.r.e, an' they'll gie their wings a bit flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside, gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again.”

=The Chieftain and the Cabby=

The following story ill.u.s.trates the disadvantage of having an article in common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. ”Do you know who I am?” indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; ”I am the McIntosh.”

”I don't care if you are an umbrella,” replied the cabby; ”I'll have my rights.”

=Not All Profit=

A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was about to be married for the third time, said to him: ”They tell me, John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives.”

”'Deed, sir,” quietly replied John, ”what wi' bringin' them in and puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them.”

=Pie, or Patience?=

A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's and had reached the dessert. ”I want some pie,” said young Angus.

”Have patience,” said his grandmother.

”Which would you rather have, Angus,” said grandfather; ”patience or pie?”

”Pie,” replied Angus, emphatically.

”But then,” said his grandfather, ”there might not be any left for me.”

”Well,” said Angus, ”you have some of patience.”

=How to Treat a Surplus=

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