Part 15 (2/2)

=Reproving a Miser=

Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his lords.h.i.+p, ”Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a s.h.i.+lling for a sight o' a' the gowd and siller ye hae.” ”Weel, man,” answered the miser, ”it's no cost ye ony mair”; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of gold and silver coin. ”Now,” said the farmer, ”I'm as rich as yourself, Braco.” ”Ay, man,” said his lords.h.i.+p, ”how can that be?” ”Because I've seen it,” replied the countryman, ”and ye can do nae mair.”

=A Shrewd Reply=

Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue.

On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played admirably at whist. ”And do you seriously say, doctor,” said the learned counsel, ”that a person having a superior capacity for a game so difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?”

”I am no card player,” said the doctor, with great address, ”but I have read in history that cards were invented for the amus.e.m.e.nt of an insane king.” The consequences of this reply were decisive.

=Two Good Memories=

A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she pa.s.sed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served.

Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl, anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed: ”Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had when I was wi' you seven years ago.”

=Compensation=

A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were laboring under affliction: ”Time is short, and if your cross is heavy you have not far to carry it.”

=Fowls and Ducks!=

A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle what kind of shot it was? ”Why,” said the man in his broad dialect, ”sic as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like.” ”What kind of fools?”

asked the duke, smiling at the word. ”Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and sic' kin' o' fools.”

=Square-Headed=

A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous circ.u.mstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could not but remark the extreme _length_ of his honor's head. ”That's well,”

said Lord S----, ”we lawyers have occasion for _long heads_!” The barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered that ”_his lords.h.i.+p's head was just as thick as it was long_!”

=Refusing Information=

Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the following dialogue ensued: ”Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun.” ”Ay, deed is it.” ”Whaur did you get it?” ”Owre by there.” ”And wha's it for?”

”D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow _Herald_?” ”Ou ay.” ”Weel, it's nae for him.”

=Sabbath Breaking=

The following anecdote is told in ill.u.s.tration of the Scotch veneration for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. ”What are you doing there, man?”

”Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone.” ”Y'are doing mair than that; y'are breaking the Sabbath.”

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