Part 9 (1/2)

=A Highlander on Bagpipes=

Mr. Barclay, an eminent Scotch artist, was engaged in painting a Highland scene for Lord Breadalbane, in which his lords.h.i.+p's handsome piper was introduced. When the artist was instructing him as to att.i.tude, and that he must maintain an appearance at once of animation and ease by keeping up a conversation, the latter replied that he would do his best, and commenced as follows:

”Maister Parclay, ye read yer Bible at times, I _suppone_ (suppose), sir?”

”Oh, yes.”

”Weel, Maister Parclay, if ye do tat, sir, ten you've read te third and fifth verses of te third chapter of Daniel, when te princes, te governors, te captains, te judges, te treasurers, te counsellors, te sheriffs and all te rulers of te provinces were gathered together into te dedication of te image tat Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up, and tey were told tat whenever tey began to hear te sound of te cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, dulcimer, and all kinds of music, tey were to fall down and wors.h.i.+p te golden image that Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up. I tell ye, Maister Parclay, if tey had a Hielandman, wi' his pipes tere, tat nonsense would not hae happened. Na, na, he would hae sent tem a' fleeing. It would hae been wi' tem as Bobby Burns said, 'Skirl up to Bangor, for ye maun a' come back to te bagpipe at last.'”

=Walloping Judas=

The late Dr. Adamson, of Cupar-Fife, colleague to Dr. Campbell, father to the lord chancellor of that name, at a late Sat.u.r.day night supper was about to depart, alleging that he must prepare for the Sunday service.

For two previous Sundays he had been holding forth on Judas Iscariot, and a member of his congregation, who sat at the table detained him with: ”Sit down, doctor, sit down; there's nae need for ye to gang awa'; just gie Judas another wallop in the tow.”

=”'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!”=

An old offender was, some years ago, brought up before a well-known Glasgow magistrate. The constable, as a preliminary, informed his bailies.h.i.+p that he had in custody John Anderson, _alias_ Brown, _alias_ Smith. ”Very weel,” said the magistrate, with an air of dignity, ”I'll try the women first. Bring in Alice Brown! what has she been about, the jaud?”

=Earning His Dismissal=

Dean Ramsay tells an amusing story of the cool self-sufficiency of the young Scottish domestic--a boy who, in a very quiet, determined way, made his exit from a house into which he had lately been introduced. He had been told that he should be dismissed if he broke any of the china that was under his charge.

On the morning of a great dinner party he was entrusted (rather rashly) with a great load of plates, which he was to carry upstairs from the kitchen to the dining-room, and which were piled up and rested upon his two hands.

In going upstairs his foot slipped, and the plates were broken to atoms.

He at once went up to the drawing-room, put his head in at the door, and shouted, ”The plates are a' smashed, and I'm awa'!” [7]

=Paris and Peebles Contrasted=

In the memoir of Robert Chambers, by his brother William, allusion is made to the exceedingly quiet town of Peebles, their birthplace, and the strong local attachments of the Scottish people. An honest old burgher of the town was enabled by some strange chance to visit Paris, and was eagerly questioned, when he came back, as to the character of that capital of capitals; to which he answered that, ”Paris, a' things considered, was a wonderful place; but still, Peebles for pleasure!”

=Short Measure=

An old woman who had made a great deal of money by selling whiskey was visited when on her death-bed by her minister, to whom she spake, as is usual on such occasions, about her temporal as well as her spiritual affairs. As to her temporalities, they seemed to be in a very flouris.h.i.+ng condition, for she was dying worth a very large sum of money.

”And so, Molly,” said the minister, ”you tell me you are worth so much money?”

”Indeed, minister,” replied Molly, ”I am.”

”And you tell me, too,” continued the minister, ”that you made all that money by filling the noggin?”

”Na, na, minister,” said the dying woman; ”I didna tell you _that_. I made the maist of it by _not_ filling the noggin.”