Part 7 (2/2)
=A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results=
Edinburgh laughed heartily, but was not at all scandalized, when one famous university professor kicked another famous professor in the same faculty, down before him from near the North Bridge to where the Register House now stands. The _casus belli_ was simple, but, as reported, most irritating.
The offending professor was lecturing to his cla.s.s one morning, and happened to say that baldness was no sign of age. ”In fact, gentlemen,”
said the suave professor, ”it's no sign at all, nor the converse. I was called in very early yesterday morning to see the wife of a distinguished colleague, a lady whose raven locks have long been the pride of rout and ball. It was in the morning, and I caught the lady in deshabille, and would you believe it, the raven locks were all fudge, and the lady was as bald as the palm of my hand.”
The professor said nothing more, but no sooner was his lecture ended than the students casually inquired of the coachman whom the professor was called to see yesterday morning. The coachman, innocently enough, answered, ”Oh, Mrs. Prof. ----.”
This was enough, and so before four-and-twenty hours went round, the story came to Prof. A---- that Prof. B---- had said, in his cla.s.s, that Mrs. Prof. A---- wore a wig. For two days they did not meet, and when they did, the offender was punished in the ignominious manner described.
=A Miserly Professor=
An Edinburgh professor was noted for his miserly habits, though, in reality, he was a rich man and the proprietor of several ancestral estates. He once observed a Highland student--proverbially a poor set--about to pick up a penny in the college quad, but just as he was about to pick it up, the learned professor gave him a push, which sent the poor fellow right over, when Dr. ---- cooly pocketed the coin and walked on, amid the laughter of a crowd of students who were watching the scene. He did not always stick at trifles. Going down the crowded street he saw a street boy pick up a s.h.i.+lling. Instantly the professor chucked it out of the boy's hand, and then, holding it between his thumb and forefinger, with his gold-headed cane in the other, carefully guarding it, he read out to the whimpering boy a long lecture on honesty being the best policy; how the ”coin” was not his; how it might belong to some poor man whose family might be suffering for the want of that coin, and so on, concluding by pocketing the s.h.i.+lling, and charging the finder that ”if ever he heard of anybody having lost that s.h.i.+lling, to say that Prof. ---- had got it. Everybody knows me. It is quite safe.
Honesty, my lad, is always the best policy. Remember that, and read your catechism well.”
On one occasion he was called, in consultation with Prof. Gregory, about a patient of his who happened to be a student of medicine. The day previously, however, Dr. Gregory had called alone, and on going away was offered the customary guinea. This the stately physician firmly refused; he never took fees from students. The patient replied that Prof. ---- did. Immediately Gregory's face brightened up. ”I will be here to-morrow in consultation with him. Be good enough to offer me a fee before him, sir.”
To-morrow came, and the student did as he had been requested.
”What is that, sir?” the professor answered, looking at his proffered guinea: ”A fee, sir! Do you mean to insult me, sir? What do you take us to be--cannibals? Do we live on one another? No, sir. The man who could take a fee from a student of his own profession ought to be kicked--kicked, sir, out of the faculty! Good morning!” and with that the celebrated physician walked to the door, in well-affected displeasure. Next day, to the astonishment of the patient, Prof. ---- sent a packet with all the fees returned.
It is said that he once took a bag of potatoes for a fee, and ever after boasted of his generosity in the matter: ”The man was a poor man, sir.
We must be liberal, sir. Our Master enjoins it on us, and it is recommended in a fine pa.s.sage in the admirable aphorisms of Hippocrates.
The man had no money, sir, so I had to deal gently with him, and take what he had; though as a rule--as a rule--I prefer the modern to the ancient exchange, _pecunia_ instead of _pecus_. Hah! hah!”
=Silencing English Insolence=
”There never was a Scotchman” said an insolent c.o.c.kney, at Stirling, to a worthy Scot, who was acting as guide to the castle ”who did not want to get out of Scotland almost as soon as he got into it.”
”That such may be the fack, I'll no' gainsay,” replied the Scot. ”There were about twenty thousand o' your countrymen, and mair, who wanted to get out of Scotland on the day of Bannockburn. But they could na' win.
And they're laying at Bannockburn the noo; and have never been able to get out o' Scotland yet.”
It was Johnson's humor to be anti-Scottish. He objected theoretically to haggis, though he ate a good plateful of it.
”What do you think o' the haggis?” asked the hospitable old lady, at whose table he was dining, seeing that he partook so plentifully of it.
”Humph!” he replied, with his mouth full, ”it's very good food for hogs!”
”Then let me help you to some mair o' 't,” said the lady, helping him bountifully.
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