Part 3 (2/2)

Willie Turnbull and his wife used to sup their evening meal of brose out of one ”cog,” but the gudewife generally took care to place the lump of b.u.t.ter at one side of the dish, which she carefully turned to her own side of the table. One night, however, Mrs. Turnbull inadvertently turned the ”fat side” from her, and did not discover her error till she was about to dip in her spoon. She could not, without exposing her selfishness, actually turn the bowl round before her husband, but the b.u.t.ter she must have, and in order to obtain it she resorted to artifice.

”Willie,” said she, as if seized with a sudden inspiration, ”isn't this a queer world? I'm tell't that it just turns round and round about, as I micht take this bowl and turn it round this way,” and she prepared to suit the action to the word.

Willie, however, saw this at a glance, and promptly stopped the practical ill.u.s.tration, saying, ”Ay, ay, Maggie, the world's queer enough, but you just let it stand still e'enow, and the brose bowl, too!”

=”Bulls” in Scotland=

Two operatives in one of the Border towns were heard disputing about a new cemetery, beside the elegant railing of which they were standing.

One of them, evidently disliking the continental fas.h.i.+on in which it was being laid out, said in disgust, ”I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a place!”

”Weel, it's the verra reverse wi' me,” said the other, ”for I'll be buried naewhere else if I'm spared.”

=”Brothers” in Law=

A countryman, going into the Court of Session, took notice of two advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each frequently, however, styling his opponent ”brother.” The countryman observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly love between them.

”Oh,” said he, ”they're only brothers _in law_.”

”I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters, then,” replied he; ”and I think it's just the auld story ower again--freen's 'gree best separate.”

=A Family Likeness=

Some soldiers, quartered in a country village, when they met at the roll-call were asking one another what kind of quarters they had got; one of them said he had very good quarters, but the strangest landlady ever he saw--she always took him off. A comrade said he would go along with him and would take her off. He went and offered to shake hands with her, saying, ”How are you, Elspa?”

”Indeed, sir,” said she, ”ye hae the better o' me; I dinna ken ye.”

”Dear me, Elspa,” replied the soldier, ”d'ye no ken me? I'm the devil's sister's son.”

”Dear, save us!” quoth the old wife, looking him broadly in the face; ”'od man, but ye're like your uncle!”

=”Unco' Modest”=

A Scottish witness in the House of Lords once gave in a rather dictatorial style his notions as to the failings in the character of Irishmen and Englishmen.

He was allowed to say his say, and when out of breath Lord Lucan asked him to oblige the committee with his ideas relative to Scotch character.

”Aweel, my laird, they're just on the contrary, unco' modest and”--the rest of the sentence was drowned in uproarious merriment.

=Objecting to ”Regeneration”=

”What is the meaning of 'regeneration,' Tommy?” asked a teacher in the north, of one of the most promising pupils.

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