Part 27 (1/2)

”Look,” Van Doren said. ”Other countries pa.s.s laws requiring that their movie theaters, television networks and radio stations have to play a certain percentage of home-grown entertainment. Because if they didn't, Hollywood would wipe it all out. We're not a world leader because we have nuclear missiles and submarines. We are because we have Bugs Bunny and the Dukes of Hazzard. Our planet is what Hollywood has made it.”

”Planet Hollywood,” I said. ”Catchy.”

”I thought you might like it,” Van Doren said.

”But that's a stupid argument,” I said. ”The only people who believe that Hollywood sets political agendas are nuts on the left who are scared of action figures, and nuts on the right who are scared of nipples.”

”Who's talking politics?” Van Doren said. ”We're talking about how people around our world want their world to be. And the world they want it to be like is the one they see in our films, and in our TV shows and hear in our music. That's power. Hollywood that's where the world culture starts. If someone wanted to address the world today, he wouldn't do it from Was.h.i.+ngton, or Moscow, or London. He'd do it from Hollywood. That's why I work in LA, Tom.”

”Sure,” I said. ”And as a bonus, you get to meet stars.”

”Well,” Van Doren admitted, ”There is that too.”

”Joshua,” I said. ”You wouldn't happen to have been listening to this little diatribe, would you?”

”As it happens,” Joshua said, from his perch. ”I've been hanging on every word.”

”Does it sound familiar to you?”

”A little,” Joshua said. ”Of course, I said it better.”

”Jim,” I said, turning back to Van Doren. ”I have a proposition for you.”

”Do you, now,” Van Doren said, and leaned back on his car. ”This is going to be good.”

”I don't suppose you can guess why I, of all people, am the one that knows about these aliens.”

”It's a stumper, yes,” Van Doren said.

”It's because I'm their agent.”

”Their what?” Van Doren said.

”I'm their agent,” I said. ”In one of those bizarre and strange coincidences, Jim, their outlook on things is remarkably similar to yours: if you want to get the attention of the world, you have to go through Hollywood. So they decided to hire an agent. I'm him. As such, I'm authorized to make deals for them.”

”Wow,” Van Doren said. ”How do you collect your fee?”

”After this is all done, I get New Zealand,” I said. ”Now, are you going to shut up and let me tell you what I have in mind?”

”By all means,” Van Doren said.

”This offer stands for the next ten minutes. After that, you're out. No second chances or second thoughts. Are we clear?”

”Sure,” Van Doren said.

”Here's the deal,” I said. ”You get the story. Exclusive.”

”What story?” Van Doren said. ”Your story? I have that already.”

”This story,” I said. ”The first contact between humanity and an intelligence from another world. It's the single most important story in the history of the planet, Jim. And you'll be the only one who's in on it from the start. The only one who knows the whole story. Everyone else will have the reaction story. You'll be the one who gets to tell the world how it happened and what it all means.”

”Jesus,” Van Doren said, after a minute. ”You don't screw around, do you?”

”Not when it's business, Jim.”

”What's the catch?”

”The catch is this: Drop your stories on me and Mich.e.l.le. Quit The Biz. And keep your silence until we're ready to make our debut.”

”When is that going to be?”

”I don't know yet,” I said. ”We're still working it out. It could be tomorrow, or it could be years. But whatever it is, not a peep out of you until then. Not even a hint of a peep.”

”What happens if I refuse?” Van Doren asked.

”Nothing,” I said. ”Except that you won't be able to get off this s.h.i.+p while we're off doing what we're doing. In fact, you'll be sent back as soon as we get there.”

”Without your car,” Joshua said. ”Have fun hiking back to the 15.”

”What's to stop me from filing a story when I get back?” Van Doren said.

”Nothing at all,” I said. ”You can tell anyone you like. In fact, I encourage you to, since there's probably not a quicker and easier way for your credibility to get squashed than for you to run around, saying that Mich.e.l.le Beck is an alien.”

”So she is an alien,” Van Doren said.

”Jim,” I said. ”Stay focused, here.”

”I am focused,” he said. ”I'm just trying to make sure I have the story right.”

”Then you're in?”

”Are you kidding?” Van Doren said. ”You're offering me the biggest story ever in the universe, and you're asking me if I want it? Are you that dumb?”

”It's not actually the biggest story ever in the universe,” Joshua said. ”Just in this little corner of it.”

”Close enough for me,” Van Doren said, and turned back to me. ”You've got a deal, Tom.”

We shook on it. Chalk one up for our side.

”You all right with this, Joshua?” I asked.

”Well, the only thing I've seen of his is that piece he wrote about you,” Joshua said. ”It was kind of lousy.”

”I can do better,” Van Doren said.

”Lord, I hope so,” Joshua said.

”I don't suppose you could tell me now how much this gig pays,” Van Doren said, to me.