Part 69 (1/2)
She read the letter a dozen times, pressing it to her lips and to her bosom. She might do that at least. He would never know how she treated this only letter that she ever had received from him, the only letter that she would receive. These caresses were only such as those which came from her heart, to relieve her solitude. It might be absurd in her to think of the words he had spoken, and to kiss the lines which he had written. Were she now on her deathbed that would be permitted to her. Wherever she might lay her head till the last day should come that letter should be always within her reach. ”My girl, my own one, my love, my treasure!” How long would it last with him? Was it not her duty to hope that the words were silly words, written as young men do write, having no eagerness of purpose,--just playing with the toy of the moment? Could it be that she should wish them to be true, knowing, as she did, that his girl, his love, his treasure, as he called her, could never be given up to him? And yet she did believe them to be true, knew them to be true, and took an exceeding joy in the a.s.surance. It was as though the beauty and excellence of their truth atoned to her for all else that was troublous to her in the condition of her life. She had not lived in vain. Her life now could never be a vain and empty s.p.a.ce of time, as it had been consecrated and enn.o.bled and blessed by such a love as this. And yet she must make the suffering to him as light as possible. Though there might be an ecstasy of joy to her in knowing that she was loved, there could be nothing akin to that in him. He wanted his treasure, and she could only tell him that he might never have it. ”Think of it all, and ask yourself whether it is in your heart to refuse to bid me be happy.” It was in her heart to do it.
Though it might break her heart she would do it. It was the one thing to do which was her paramount duty. ”You have told me that you love me.” Truly she had told him so, and certainly she would never recall her words. If he ever thought of her in future years when she should long have been at her rest,--and she thought that now and again he would think of her, even when that n.o.ble bride should be sitting at his table,--he should always remember that she had given him her whole heart. He had bade her write to him at Trafford. She would obey him at once in that; but she would tell him that she could not obey him in aught else. ”Tell me that it shall be so,” he had said to her with his sweet, imperious, manly words. There had been something of command about him always, which had helped to make him so perfect in her eyes. ”You do not understand,” he said, ”how absolutely my heart is set upon you.” Did he understand, she wondered, how absolutely her heart had been set upon him? ”No pleasures are pleasant to me, no employment useful, unless I can make them so by thinking of your love!” It was right that he as a man,--and such a man,--should have pleasures and employments, and it was sweet to her to be told that they could be gilded by the remembrance of her smiles. But for her, from the moment in which she had known him, there could be no pleasure but to think of him, no serious employment but to resolve how best she might do her duty to him.
It was not till the next morning that she took up her pen to begin her all-important letter. Though her resolution had been so firmly made, yet there had been much need for thinking before she could sit down to form the sentences. For a while she had told herself that it would be well first to consult her father; but before her father had returned to her she had remembered that nothing which he could say would induce her in the least to alter her purpose. His wishes had been made known to her; but he had failed altogether to understand the nature of the duty she had imposed upon herself. Thus she let that day pa.s.s by, although she knew that the writing of the letter would be an affair of much time to her. She could not take her sheet of paper, and scribble off warm words of love as he had done. To ask, or to give, in a matter of love must surely, she thought, be easy enough. But to have given and then to refuse--that was the difficulty. There was so much to say of moment both to herself and to him, or rather so much to signify, that it was not at one sitting, or with a single copy, that this letter could be written.
He must be a.s.sured, no doubt, of her love; but he must be made to understand,--quite to understand, that her love could be of no avail to him. And how was she to obey him as to her mode of addressing him?
”It simply excruciates me from you,” he had said, thus debarring her from that only appellation which would certainly be the easiest, and which seemed to her the only one becoming. At last the letter, when written, ran as follows;--
How I am to begin my letter I do not know, as you have forbidden me to use the only words which would come naturally. But I love you too well to displease you in so small a matter. My poor letter must therefore go to you without any such beginning as is usual. Indeed, I love you with all my heart. I told you that before, and I will not shame myself by saying that it was untrue. But I told you also before that I could not be your wife. Dearest love, I can only say again what I said before. Dearly as I love you I cannot become your wife. You bid me to think of it all, and to ask myself whether it is in my heart to refuse to bid you to be happy. It is not in my heart to let you do that which certainly would make you unhappy.
There are two reasons for this. Of the first, though it is quite sufficient, I know that you will make nothing. When I tell you that you ought not to choose such a one as me for your wife because my manners of life have not fitted me for such a position, then you sometimes laugh at me, and sometimes are half angry,--with that fine way you have of commanding those that are about you. But not the less am I sure that I am right. I do believe that of all human beings poor Marion Fay is the dearest to you. When you tell me of your love and your treasure I do not for a moment doubt that it is all true. And were I to be your wife, your honour and your honesty would force you to be good to me. But when you found that I was not as are other grand ladies, then I think you would be disappointed. I should know it by every line of your dear face, and when I saw it there I should be broken-hearted.
But this is not all. If there were nothing further, I think I should give way because I am only a weak girl; and your words, my own, own love, would get the better of me.
But there is another thing. It is hard for me to tell, and why should you be troubled with it? But I think if I tell it you out and out, so as to make you understand the truth, then you will be convinced. Mrs. Roden could tell you the same. My dear, dear father could tell you also; only that he will not allow himself to believe, because of his love for the only child that remains to him. My mother died; and all my brothers and sisters have died. And I also shall die young.
Is not that enough? I know that it will be enough. Knowing that it will be enough, may I not speak out to you, and tell you all my heart? Will you not let me do so, as though it had been understood between us, that though we can never be more to each other than we are, yet we may be allowed to love each other? Oh, my dearest, my only dearest, just for this once I have found the words in which I may address you. I cannot comfort you as I can myself, because you are a man, and cannot find comfort in sadness and disappointment, as a girl may do. A man thinks that he should win for himself all that he wants. For a girl, I think it is sufficient for her to feel that, as far as she herself is concerned, that would have been given to her which she most desires, had not Fortune been unkind. You, dearest, cannot have what you want, because you have come to poor Marion Fay with all the glory and sweetness of your love. You must suffer for a while. I, who would so willingly give my life to serve you, must tell you that it will be so. But as you are a man, pluck up your heart, and tell yourself that it shall only be for a time. The shorter the better, and the stronger you will show yourself in overcoming the evil that oppresses you.
And remember this. Should Marion Fay live to know that you had brought a bride home to your house, as it will be your duty to do, it will be a comfort to her to feel that the evil she has done has been cured.
MARION.
I cannot tell you how proud I should be to see your sister if she will condescend to come and see me. Or would it not be better that I should go over to Hendon Hall? I could manage it without trouble. Do not you write about it, but ask her to send me one word.
Such was the letter when it was at last finished and despatched.
As soon as it was gone,--dropped irrevocably by her own hand into the pillar letter-box which stood at the corner opposite to the public-house,--she told her father what she had done. ”And why?” he said crossly. ”I do not understand thee. Thou art flighty and fickle, and knowest not thy own mind.”
”Yes, father; I have known my own mind always in this matter. It was not fitting.”
”If he thinks it fitting, why shouldst thou object?”
”I am not fit, father, to be the wife of a great n.o.bleman. Nor can I trust my own health.” This she said with a courage and firmness which seemed to silence him,--looking at him as though by her looks she forbade him to urge the matter further. Then she put her arms round him and kissed him. ”Will it not be better, father, that you and I shall remain together till the last?”
”Nothing can be better for me that will not also be best for thee.”
”For me it will be best. Father, let it be so, and let this young man be no more thought of between us.” In that she asked more than could be granted to her; but for some days Lord Hampstead's name was not mentioned between them.
Two days afterwards Lady Frances came to her. ”Let me look at you,”
said Marion, when the other girl had taken her in her arms and kissed her. ”I like to look at you, to see whether you are like him. To my eyes he is so beautiful.”
”More so than I am.”
”You are a--lady, and he is a man. But you are like him, and very beautiful. You, too, have a lover, living close to us?”
”Well, yes. I suppose I must own it.”
”Why should you not own it? It is good to be loved and to love. And he has become a great n.o.bleman,--like your brother.”