Part 30 (1/2)
”For my horse.”
”What horse? You have no horse, sir!”
”Bless me!” exclaimed the clergyman, looking between his legs. ”I thought I was on horseback.”
He had fallen into a thoughtful mood in his walk, and being more accustomed to riding than walking, in his absence of mind he made the blunder.
VI. THE BUSTLING.--This talker you will generally find to be a man rather small in stature, with quick eye, sharp nose, nervous expression of face, and limbs ever ready for prompt action. He has little patience with other people's slowness, and wastes more time and temper in repeating his own love of despatch than would be required to do a great deal of work.
His tongue is as restless as his hands and feet, both of which are in unceasing motion. He asks questions in such rapidity that it is difficult for the ear to catch them. He is always in a hurly-burly. He has more business to attend to than he knows how. His engagements are so numerous that many of them must be broken. If he call to see you, he is always in a hurry; he cannot sit down; he must be off in a minute. He often rushes into your room so suddenly that you wonder what is the matter, throws down his hat and gloves as though he had no time to place them anywhere, and, taking out his watch, he regrets that he can only spare you two minutes; and you would not have been sorry if it had been only one. He leaves you much in the same manner as he came, with a slam of the door which goes through you, and steps back two or three times to say something which he had forgotten.
”If you go to see him,” says one, ”on business, he places you a chair with ostentatious haste; begs you will excuse him while he despatches two or three messengers on most urgent business; calls each of them back once or twice to give fresh instalments of his defective instructions; and having at last dismissed them, regrets as usual that he has only five minutes to spare, whereof he spends half in telling you the distracting number and importance of his engagements. If he have to consult a ledger, the book is thrown on the desk with a thump as if he wished to break its back, and the leaves rustle to and fro like a wood in a storm. Meanwhile he overlooks, while he gabbles on, the very entries he wants to find, and spends twice the time he would if he had proceeded more leisurely. In a word, everything is done with a bounce, and a thump, and an air, and a flourish, and sharp and eager motions, and perpetual volubility of tongue. His image is that of a blind beetle in the twilight, which, with incessant hum and drone and buzz, flies blundering into the face of every one it chances to meet.”
VII. THE CONTRADICTORY.--The contradictory talker is one who steps into the arena of conversation with an att.i.tude which says in effect, ”It matters not what you say, good or bad, wise or foolish, of my opinion or against my opinion, I am here to contradict. It is my mind, my habit, my nature to do it, and do it I will.”
And so he does. His tongue, like the point of a weatherc.o.c.k, veers round to face the sentiment or fact from whatever quarter it may come. You express your views upon some eminent minister of the Gospel. He says, ”I do not think with you.” Your friend gives his views upon some theory in science. He says, ”I am altogether of another opinion.” Some one else gives his views of a political scheme in contemplation. He says, ”I think the very opposite.” A fourth states his views on some doctrine of theology. He says, ”They are far from orthodox.” A fifth ventures to give his opinion on a late experiment in natural philosophy. He says, ”I think it was entirely a blunder.”
Thus he stands in hostile, pugilistic att.i.tude to every one, as though he had made up his mind to it long ago. He acts upon the principle, ”Whatever you say now, I will contradict it, and if you agree with me, I will contradict myself. You shall not say anything that I will not contradict.” Except you should tell him he was a wise man, which of course would be a questionable truth, there is indeed no opinion or proposition in which he would agree with you.
He reminds one of the Irishman who, despairing of a _s.h.i.+ndy_ at a fair, everything being so quiet and peaceful, took off his coat, and, trailing it in the mud, said, ”And, by St. Patrick, wouldn't I like to see the boy that would tread on that same!”
You are thus challenged to combat; and you must either be mute or stand the chance of being cudgelled at every position you take. The best way is to be mute rather than be in a constant (for the time being) ferment of strife and conflict.
This quibbling or contradictory talk may sometimes be met with in the family as existing between brothers or sisters. They are continually opposing and contradicting each other in things trifling and indifferent, differing in opinion for no other reason, apparently, than that they have got in the habit of doing so.
”It is not so, f.a.n.n.y; you know it is not, and why do you say so?” said Fred, warmly.
”I say it is,” replied f.a.n.n.y; ”and I am surprised that you should contradict me.”
”It is just like you, f.a.n.n.y, to be always opposed to me, and I wonder you should be so.”
This habit of contradiction in a family is anything but pleasant and happy, and should be checked by parents, as well as guarded against by the children themselves.
VIII. THE TECHNICALIST.--He is a talker who indulges much in the slang of his calling. The naval cadet, for instance, poetically describes his home as ”the mooring where he casts anchor,” or ”makes sail down the street,” hails his friend to ”heave to,” and makes things as plain as a ”pikestaff,” and ”as taut as a hawser.” The articled law clerk ”s.h.i.+fts the venue” of the pa.s.sing topic to the other end of the room, and ”begs to differ from his learned friend.” The new bachelor from college snuffs the candle at an ”angle of forty-five.” The student of surgery descants upon the comparative anatomy of the joint he is carving, and asks whether ”a slice of adipose tissue will be acceptable.” The trade apprentice ”takes stock” of a dinner party, and endorses the observation of ”ditto.” The young chemist gives a ”prescription” for the way you should go to town. The student of logic ”syllogizes” his statement, and before he draws a conclusion he always lays down his ”premise.” The architect gives you a ”plan” of his meaning, and ”builds” you an argument of thought.
Thus, you may generally infer the profession or occupation of this talker from the technical terms he employs in conversation.
IX. THE LILIPUTIAN.--I give this designation to him, not because of his physical stature, for he may be of more than ordinary proportions in flesh and blood; and in fact he often is. His talk is _small_; what some would call ”chit-chat.” He deals in pins and needles, b.u.t.tons and tapes, nutmegs and spices: things of course, in their places, necessary, but out of place when you have plenty of them, and they are being ever and anon pressed on your notice. He has no power of conception or utterance beyond the commonplace currency of the time of day, state of the weather, changes of the moon, who was last married, who is going to be, when dog days begin, what he had for dinner, when he bought his new hat, when he last went to see his mother, when he was last sick, and how he recovered, etc.
Cowper pictures this talker in the following lines:--
”His whispered theme, dilated, and at large, Proves after all a wind-gun's airy charge, An extract of his diary--no more, A tasteless journal of the day before.
He walked abroad, o'ertaken in the rain, Called on a friend, drank tea, stepped home again, Resumed his purpose, had a word of talk With one he stumbled on, and lost his walk.
I interrupt him with a sudden bow, Adieu, dear sir! lest you should lose it now.”
X. THE ENVIOUS.--This talker is one much allied to the detractor, whom we have considered at length in a former part of this volume. He cannot hear anything good of another without having something to say to the contrary. If you speak of a friend of yours possessed of more than ordinary gifts or graces, he interjects a ”but” and its connections, by which he means to counterbalance what you say. Like his ancestor Cain, he seeks to kill in the estimation of others every one who stands more acceptable to society than himself.
The disposition of the envious is destructive and murderous. Anything that exceeds himself in appearance, in circ.u.mstances, in influence, he endeavours to destroy, so that _he_ may stand first in esteem and praiseworthiness.