Part 11 (1/2)

But I was not expecting him to seek me out at lunch. I was sitting in my usual nook next to the drinking fountain when he turned the corner. He sat down on the floor against the opposite wall, facing me.

I stared hard at my knitting needles, their frantic pace nearly making them blur. What was he doing?

”Jules told me where you've been eating lunch,” he said.

I nodded, but I didn't look up.

”Is this okay?” he asked.

I wanted to say no, but that answer would have required further explanation, and I didn't want that. So I nodded once.

We ate in silence. I worried about what we would say to each other, but it never came up. He didn't say another word.

When I got to Mrs. Stone's cla.s.sroom after school, Jack was already there. As I sat down, he stood.

”Mrs. Stone?”

”Yes, Mr. Caputo?”

”Do you mind if I close the door? Sometimes the commotion in the hallway is a bit distracting, for me at least, and I don't want my friends thinking they can come in here and bug me.”

I looked up at Jack's face, and then at Mrs. Stone's. Jack always had a way of sounding like he was in charge of any situation.

”That's fine, Jack. I'm happy to see you so dedicated.” Her eyes s.h.i.+fted to me as she said the word dedicated. ”I hope you won't mind if I go in and out? In the course of my teacher duties?” she said with half a smile.

Jack shook his head. ”No. That's fine.”

”Thank you, Mr. Caputo.”

Jack went to shut the door, then sat back down, and it hit me that maybe he was acting this way because of the encounter with Cole. Was I reading it right? He was protecting me. If Cole showed up again today, he'd have to go through Jack. It made my heart race.

We worked in silence for the first half hour, but I couldn't concentrate. Did I really think I could choose to Return and then just watch Jack from a distance? He wasn't going to allow it. This wasn't fair to him.

I turned toward him. ”Jack, you really shouldn't be-”

”Shush. I'm trying to work,” he growled. He kept his head down, but his lips turned up slightly.

A soft chuckle escaped me. The first in a hundred years. Jack stared at me, and I gasped.

”What'd you say?” he asked.

I shook my head, my mouth slightly open. I couldn't have just laughed. I didn't even have the ability anymore, did I?

”It sounded like a laugh.”

”No,” I said abruptly. ”No. It's not funny.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. ”Are you sure? Because it sounded almost as if you said something to me, and then I said something back that you found funny. And you giggled. I'm pretty sure that's what happened.”

I took a few calming breaths. ”No. That's impossible.”

”Impossible that I said something funny?”

And there it was. I laughed again. ”No. Impossible that I laughed.”

His smile widened, and I laughed some more, at first because it was obviously not impossible, and then because I knew what it meant. I'd recovered enough to laugh.

Jack seemed amazed. ”I think anything's possible, Becks.”

And then the fleeting levity disappeared. He called me Becks. He believed anything was possible. I couldn't let him believe that. I was being selfish.

I didn't bother putting my books in my bag. I just grabbed them and took off. I could hear his footsteps behind me as I yanked the door open.

”I'll just follow you.”

This made me freeze. ”You don't know what you're saying.”

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me around. ”I let you go once, and you disappeared on me. Without a word. I'm not asking for it to be the same as it was, but I just want to know you again. Please. Can I know you again?”

I tried to wrench my hand free, and he let go of my wrist. ”Becks, what happened to you? Do you even remember me?”

At that moment, I made a decision. Jack was grasping at the faint shadow of the life we'd had before, searching for a stronghold. I could see him doing it and I couldn't let him. I'd already hurt him enough. He said he'd moved on.

So I lied. The biggest lie ever.

”No.” I looked at his eyes. ”I don't remember anything.”

He glanced away and nodded. ”Okay. I get it.” A ghost of a sad smile appeared on his lips, and my heart felt as if it were being choked. I fought to keep my hands at my sides. To keep them from pulling Jack to me. Placing them on either side of his face and forcing him to look at me again.

I shouldn't have come back, but looking at his face, I knew. Nothing could've kept me away. I was that selfish.

Last spring, he'd already left me before I left him. But all that mattered now was that neither of us deserved to go through it again. I had to keep him from getting close again.

Without glancing up, Jack turned and walked away. I let him go.

Then I remembered the last time I'd let that happen. And how it turned out.

LAST YEAR.

April. Two weeks before the Feed.

Jack and I stood in the parking lot of the school, oblivious to the people around us hoisting their bags onto the waiting buses. It was spring break, and the only people at the school were the ones leaving for football and cheerleading camps, and the ones saying good-bye to them.

”It's two weeks, Jack. I think we'll survive,” I said.

Jack clenched both of my arms, his fingers digging in almost to the bone. His brother, Will, had s.h.i.+pped off for basic training right after Christmas, and Jack was having separation issues.

”I'm going to need those.” I glanced at my arms.

”I don't think I should leave you.” He paused. ”Especially this week, of all weeks.”