22 Chapter 19 - Hubad na Katotohanan (1/2)

”Cece, wait!”

Sa pagkakahila ni Teacher Kim sa braso ko, lumuwag at natanggal ang pagkakatali sa robe ko at bumukas ito sa gitna, revealing my front completely naked. Gayundin ang nangyari sa robe niya, at tumambad sa akin ang hubad niyang katawan, nakalawit ang kahabaan ng kaniyang ari. Mabilis kong binawi ang tingin ko at pinilit kong hindi maapektuhan sa nakita ko.

”I have to go.” Mahinahon kong binawi ang kamay ko at isinara ang robe ko, gayundin siya.

”No, please, let's talk,” he pleaded.

”I-ah-I don't know what's to talk about.”

”Cece..”

Gusto ko na sana muna umiwas, pero hindi rin ako nakapagtimpi. ”First, I saw Yoona and Mitty coming out of the men's shower. The men's shower!? I mean, that was extremely weird enough. Tapos isang linga't ko lang, it's you coming out next? I'm not stupid, Teacher Kim.”

I was quite impressed with myself for not bursting out. I made sure, however, that he knows I was dissapointed but I tried not show how pissed, and shocked, and even how hurt I was.

His expression hardened, I could just smell his guilt. ”L-le-let me just, explain.”

I opened my mouth to say something but it took awhile before words came out. ”N-no. I get it. And you shouldn't have to explain. It's your thing. I'm not your girlfriend. So, it's not my place to care. We fucked. We.. just, fuck. That's all it was..., right?”

He looked pained, but I wasn't quite sure. ”That's all it.. was... we just --”

”I gotta go,” pagputol ko sa kaniya, then I went ahead to the shower area.

I glanced to the wall mirror on my right and saw a different me. I didn't quite recognised my reflection. It was all, but a strange feeling. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko; masikip ang dibdib ko; para akong kinakabahan na hindi mapakali; hindi ko na nararamdaman ang tinatapakan ko pero parang ang bigat-bigat ko.

I went in to one of the shower cubicles; I closed the folding door and turned on the cold shower knob. Ramdam ko ang pag-ulan ng malamig na tubig sa ulo ko hanggang sa katawan ko. Para akong nahimasmasan, but everything that happened in the last five minutes all came back to me.

I just saw Yoona and Mitty coming out of the men's shower where Teacher Kim came out next. And, I know, he liked to cum on my face, he must have on Yoona's and Mitty too.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I hate feeling like this!

It was grimly quiet around, even the shower seemed to be soundless. I just stood there, habang bumubuhos sa akin ang malamig na tubig, I played in my head the different scenarios of what could those two girls and Teacher Kim did inside the men's shower.

”What do I care?” I whispered to myself.

”Wag ka ngang tanga, Cece.” I slapped my face.

”The pleasure dungeon! Of course! I know that! He probably had more than half, if not all, of the malalandi dito sa school. How can I be so gullible?!”

I turned my head up so the shower falls directly to my face, then I bowed, wiping the water off my face,

”It's ok. It's ok! I mean, I got him. I just wanted to have sex with him. That's it. That's.. it! There should be nothing more than that. Then wha ---”

Something squeezed my heart. ”Well, it's over. I don't need to keep having sex with him. Dapat nga, one time lang yun eh. Right, Cece. It was just sex, that's all it was. And it's over. Ok. That's it. Right. Over.”

Then I stared blankly at the wall, feeling every drop of water over me. It was quiet for awhile, pero sa gitna ng katahimikan, may tunog akong unti-unting naririnig. I realised, I was sobbing.

I felt so stupid. Naiyak pa ako lalo sa inis ko dahil umiiyak ko. Pero ramdam ko sa loob ko, nasasaktan na nga ako which amplified the feeling na ang tanga ko.

For the longest time, I've never given much thought to how I'd lose my virginity. But I was sure I didn't want it to be with someone special, not my first boyfriend, never my first love. There is only one pain I want to remember about it, and it's not a broken trust nor a broken heart.

Then there was him. He was every bit of the guy I wanted to lose my virginity for. Until he wasn't. But damn it! He already did.

”Shit! This is so stupid. Bakit ako umiiyak? No. I just lusted for him. That's it. I'm not jealous. No.”

But I realised, with Teacher Kim, I had given myself some allowance. I allowed myself to get jealous sometimes, but it was for the reason that I tend to be a little posessive of his body. I thought, it was a valid reason for someone who was lusting for him.

I slapped my face twice. ”No, Cece! This isn't it. You are not falling in love. I can't be. No. Am I? No! No, no, no, no, no... No!”

I went out of the shower, still lost in my thoughts. I paused and stood for a moment in the hallway. ”I hate this hallway!” I exclaimed.

With mental protest, still, dumb me checked my phone hoping for a text from Teacher Kim. There wasn't any. Lalong kumirot ang naninikip kong dibdib, parang gusto ko ulit umiyak, pero ayaw ko umiyak. Pilit nagtatalo ang isip ko sa kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko, kung ano ba dapat ang maramdaman ko.

As I walked towards the gate, I saw Teacher Kim's car still in his usual parking spot. I wondered if he was waiting for me in the dungeon as we originally planned, that he'll fuck me after P.E class. Nagtalo ang isip at mga paa ko kung babalik ba ako sa dungeon o magpapatuloy sa paglalakad papuntang gate. Kuya Japo already texted that he will be a little late to pick me up. Huminga ako ng malalim, then I forced my head to go straight to Happy's guard post and wait for my kuya there.

”O, princess! Andyan ka na pala!” Ilang minuto na ang lumipas bago ako napansin ni Happy na nakaupo sa isa sa mga matataba at pandak na round concrete bollards sa labas ng guard post niya.

I pressed my lips and smiled. ”Hi, Happy.”

”Ang lungkot naman ng bati mo. Hindi tumugma sa pangalan ko,” humagikhik siya.

Nilakihan ko ang ngiti ko. ”Hiiii, Haaappy!”

”Ayan! Energy. Alam mo, nabasa ko sa kisame ng jeep kanina 'When you're sad, be happy'. Hindi ko siya nagets, pero sigurado akong maganda ibig-sabihin nun. Parang, alam mo yun, kahit gaano pa katotoo ang lungkot mo, lagi ka pa rin may choice na maging masaya. Sabi nga ni Mrs Baitbaitan, english teacher ko nung high school, 'Life is 10 percent experience, 90 percent decision making'... Ay!! Sandali.”

Agad siyang bumalik sa loob ng post niya para pagbuksan ang palabas na sasakyan. Napapilit-ngiti ako sa sinabi ni Happy. Parang wala rin naman choice si Happy kun'di maging masaya. Never ko pang nakitang sad si Happy, hindi bagay.

He came out again. ”O! Grabe namang mga tingin yan, ang lalim! Pag may nakita kang ginto o diamond dyan, balatuhan mo ko ha.” He belly-laughed. Nahawa na lang din ako sa tawa niya kahit hindi naman ako natawa sa joke niya. Umupo siya sa katabing bollard. ”Alam mo, ang sarap ng lunch ko kanina. Jollibee... chickenjoy! Two-piece!”

Napangiti ako sa nakakaaliw na yabang ng ekspresyon ni Happy. ”Talaga? Parang natakam naman tuloy ako!” pagsabay ko sa energy niya.

”Diba? Libre yun ni Blue, yung gwapong president niyo. Treat niya yung mga guards kanina e, pati nga si Monki naka jollibee rin eh. Mabait yung batang 'yun, gwapo na mabait pa. Swerte ng magiging girlfriend niya. May girlfriend na ba yun?”

I shrugged. ”Wala ata.”

”Nakatatlong extra-rice pa nga ko kay Madam Greta eh! Ay, parang mga limang rice ata yun, andami kasi ng takal niya eh. Mabuti na lang libre ako sa kanin dun.”

”Eh crush ka kasi ni Madam Greta,” I responded matter-of-factly. Si Madam Greta ang head cook namin sa cafeteria, 100 years na ata siyang cook sa school e.

Happy shrieked in horrified laughter. ”Si Madam Greta!? Hindi no! Hindi ako crush nun. Mabait lang talaga siya.”

I sniggered. ”Happy, walang estudyante sa school na 'to ang mag-aagree sayo. Eh, mas masungit pa si Madam Greta kay Mrs. Aklatan eh. Kahit nga kay Principal Moon, masungit si Madam Greta.”

Lumingo-lingo si Happy at bakas sa ekspresyon niya ang eksaheradong pagtanggi sa katotohanang isiniwalat ko. ”Hindi ako crush nuuuun. Masungit din naman siya sa'kin, minsan. May mga araw kayo 'di ba, mga babae, na, masungit.”

”Nye, eh, mukhang menopause na yun si Madam Greta.”

”Uy. Hindi natin alam. At saka, ayoko ng mga ganyang topic, menopause, menopause. 'Wag natin pagusapan yung mga ganyan.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. ”So, all this time, hindi mo pala alam na may gusto sayo si Madam Greta? E, public knowledge na yun ah. Alam namin lahat na pag sayo, lumalambing ang boses niya.”

He started fidgeting. ”Hindi nga ako crush nun. Siguro happy lang siya, pag... nakikita niya ako. Ganun. Ganun lang yun.”

”Eh kasi nga, gusto ka niya. Kaya, naha-Happy siya kapag nakikita ka.”

Tumayo siya. ”Ay, hindi ngaa. Hindi nga ganun yun. No comment, no comment,” at pumasok siya sa guard post niya.

I thought this was fun. Nawaglit ang atensyon ko mula sa magulong takbo ng isip ko. Effective happy pill nga talaga si Happy. Sinundan ko siya sa loob ng post niya. ”Happy, anong, bakit ka biglang nagtago. Now, alam mo na ngayon na gusto ka ni Madam Greta, tapos ganyan lang reaction mo?” patuloy kong asar.

”No comment, no comment. I hab da rayt to... ano yun?.. remain silent. No comment, no comment.” Iwinasiwas niya ang kamay niya sabay sa no comment niya.

I laughed. ”Hindi naman ako showbiz insider no. Siyempre, what happens in Happy's post, stays in Happy's post.”

Makulit na nagsungit ang mukha niya. ”Eh, ano ba dapat reaksyon ko?”

”I don't know... bakit hindi mo nagets na may gusto pala sayo si Madam Greta? I mean, yung malambing niyang boses kapag umoorder ka sa cafeteria, tapos, lagi pa siya may pa-saging na extra o kaya banana cake na gawa niya. Twenty pesos rin kaya yung saging sa cafeteria.”

Kumunot ang noo niya, tila ba napaisip siya sa sinabi ko. ”Eh, hindi kasi ako ganun, princess. Pinalaki ako na kung may gusto ka, kahit ano, o sino, sabihin mo! Hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao alam basahin ang kilos mo no. Ang nanay ko, sumalangit nawa. Yung nanay ko, walang pasikot-sikot 'yun! Punto por punto yun si nanay. Hindi na kailangan manghula pa ni tatay. Pag sinabi ni nanay na hindi, ibig sabihin, hindi talaga. Pag sinabi niyang ok siya, ok talaga siya. Kaya hindi ako nasanay na bumasa kung may kakaiba sa kilos ng tao. Maliban na lang... kung mukhang mandurukot.”

Nanghinawak ako sa baywang ko na parang matanda. ”Eh, bakit alam mong basahin na malungkot ako, kahit hindi ko naman sinasabi?”