Part 24 (1/2)
~205~~ After the opera, Bob Transit proposed an adjournment to the Royal Saloon, in Piccadilly, a place of fas.h.i.+onable resort (said Bob) for sh.e.l.l-fish and sharks, Greeks and pigeons, Cyprians and citizens, n.o.ble and ign.o.ble--in short, a mighty rendezvous, where every variety of character is to be found, from the finished sharper to the finished gentleman; a scene pregnant with subject for the pencil of the humorist, and full of the richest materials for the close observer of men and manners. Hither we retired to make a night of it, or rather to consume the hours between midnight and morning's dawn. The place itself is fitted up in a very novel and attractive style of decoration, admirably calculated for a saloon of pleasure and refreshment; but more resembling a Turkish kiosk than an English tavern. On the ground floor, which is of an oblong form and very s.p.a.cious, are a number of divisions enclosed on each side with rich damask curtains, having each a table and seats for the reception of supper or drinking parties; at the extreme end, and ~206~~ on each side, mirrors of unusual large dimensions give an infinity of perspective, which greatly increases the magnificence of the place. In the centre of the room are pedestals supporting elegant vases filled with choice exotics. A light and tasteful trellis-work surrounds a gallery above, which forms a promenade round the room, the walls being painted to resemble a conservatory, in which the most luxuriant shrubs are seen spreading their delightful foliage over a s.p.a.cious dome, from the centre of which is suspended a magnificent chandelier. Here are placed, at stated distances, rustic tables, for the accommodation of those who choose coffee and tea; and leading from this, on each side, are several little snug private boudoirs for select parties, perfectly secure from the prying eye of vulgar curiosity, and where only the privileged few are ever permitted to enter. It was in this place, surrounded by well-known Greeks, with whom he appeared to be on the most intimate terms, that Transit pointed out to my notice the eccentric Vicar of K**, the now invisible author of L****, whose aphorisms and conduct bear not the slightest affinity to each other--nor was he the only clerical present; at the head of a jolly party, at an adjoining table, sat the ruby-faced Parson John A-----e, late proprietor of the notorious Gothic Hall, in Pall Mall, a man of first rate wit and talent, but of the lowest and most depraved habits. ”The Divine is a character”
said Bob, ”who, according to the phraseology of the ring, is 'good at every thing:' as he came into the world without being duly licensed, so he thinks himself privileged to pursue the most unlicensed conduct in his pa.s.sage through it. As a specimen of his ingenuity in horse-dealing, I'll give you an anecdote.--It is not long since that the parson invited a party of bucks to dinner, at his snug little villa on the banks of the Thames, near Richmond, in Surrey. Previous to the repast, the reverend ~207~~ led his visitors forth to admire the gardens and surrounding scenery, when just at the moment they had reached the outer gate, a fine n.o.ble-looking horse was driven past in a tilbury by a servant in a smart livery.--'What a magnificent animal!' said the parson; 'the finest action I ever beheld in my life: there's a horse to make a man's fortune in the park, and excite the envy and notice of all the town.' 'Who does he belong to?' said a young baronet of the party, who had just come out.
'I'll inquire,' said the parson: 'the very thing for you, Sir John.'
Away posts the reverend, bawling after the servant, 'Will your master sell that horse, my man?' 'I can't say, sir,' said the fellow, 'but I can inquire, and let you know.' 'Do, my lad, and tell him a gentleman here will give a handsome price for him.' Away trots the servant, and the party proceed to dinner. As soon as the dessert is brought in, and the third gla.s.s circulated, the conversation is renewed relative to the horse--the whole party agree in extolling his qualities; when, just in the nick of time, the servant arrives to say his master being aged and infirm, the animal is somewhat too spirited for him, and if the gentleman likes, he may have him for one hundred guineas. 'A mere trifle,' vociferates the company. 'Cheap as Rivington's second-hand sermons,' said the parson. The baronet writes a check for the money, and generously gives the groom a guinea for his trouble--drives home in high glee--and sends his servant down next morning to the parson's for his new purchase--orders the horse to be put into his splendid new tilbury, built under the direction of Sir John Lade--just reaches Grosvenor-gate from Hamilton-place in safety, when the horse shows symptoms of being a miller. Baronet, nothing daunted, touches him smartly under the flank, when up he goes on his fore-quarters, smashes the tilbury into ten thousand pieces, bolts away with the traces and shafts, and leaves the baronet with a broken head ~208~~ on one side of the road, and his servant with a broken arm on the other. 'Where the devil did you get that quiet one from, Sir John!' said the Honourable Fitzroy St-----e, whom the accident had brought to the spot.
'The parson bought him of an old gentleman at Richmond yesterday for me.' 'Done, brown as a berry,' said Fitzroy: 'I sold him only on Sat.u.r.day last to the reverend myself for twenty pounds as an incurable miller. Why the old clerical's turned coper{1}--;a new way of raising the wind--letting his friends down easy--gave you a good dinner, I suppose, Sir John, and took this method of drawing the bustle{2} for it: an old trick of the reverend's.' After this it is hardly necessary to say, the servant was a confederate, and the whole affair nothing more or less than a true orthodox farce of horse chaunting,{3} got up for the express purpose of raising a temporary supply.”{4}
1 A horse-dealer.
2 Money.
3 Tricking persons into the purchase of unsound or vicious horses.
4 A practice by no means uncommon among a certain description of das.h.i.+ng characters, who find chaunting a horse to a green one, a snug accidental party at chicken hazard, or a confederacy to entrap some inexperienced bird of fas.h.i.+on, where he may be plucked by Greek banditti, pay exceedingly well for these occasional dinner parties.
At this moment our attention was engaged by the entrance of a party of exquisites and elegantes, dressed in the very extreme of opera costume, who directed their steps to the regions above us. ”I'll bet a hundred,”
said the honourable, ”I know that leg,” eyeing a divine little foot and a finely turned ankle that was just then discernible from beneath a rich pink drapery, as the possessor ascended the gallery of the conservatory, lounging on the arm of the Irish Earl of C------; ” the best leg in England, and not a bad figure for an ancient,” continued Lionise: ”that is the celebrated Mrs. Bertram, alias Bang--everybody ~209~~ knows Bang; that is, every body in the fas.h.i.+onable world. She must have been a most delightful creature when she first came out, and has continued longer in bloom than any of the present houris of the west; but I forgot you were fresh, and only in training, Heartly--I must introduce you to Bang: you will never arrive at any eminence among the haut cla.s.se unless you can call these beauties by name.” ”And who the deuce is Bang?” said I: ”not that elegantly-dressed female whom I see tripping up the gallery stairs yonder, preceded by several other delightful faces.” ”The same, my dear fellow: a fallen star, to be sure, but yet a planet round whose orbit move certain other little twinkling luminaries whose attractive glimmerings are very likely to enlighten your obscure sentimentality.
Bang was the daughter of a bathing-woman at Brighton, from whence she eloped early in life with a navy lieutenant-has since been well known as a dasher of the first water upon the pave--regularly sports her carriage in the drive--and has numbered among her protectors, at various times, the Marquis W------, Lord A------, Colonel C------, and, lastly, a descendant of the mighty Wallace, who, in an auto-biographical sketch, boasts of his intimacy with this fascinating cyprian. She has, however, one qualification, which is not usually found among those of her cla.s.s--she has had the prudence to preserve a great portion of her liberal allowances, and is now perfectly independent of the world.
We must visit one of her evening parties in the neighbourhood of Euston-square, when she invites a select circle of her professional sisters to a ball and supper, to which entertainment her male visitors are expected to contribute liberally. She has fixed upon the earl, I should think, more for the honour of the t.i.tle than with any pecuniary hopes, his dissipation having left him scarce enough to keep up appearances.” ”The amiable who precedes her,” said I, ”is of the same cla.s.s, I ~210~~ presume--precisely, and equally notorious.” ”That is the celebrated Mrs. L------, better known as Moll Raffle, from the circ.u.mstance of her being actually raffled for, some years since, by the officers of the seventh dragoons, when they were quartered at Rochester: like her female friend, she is a woman of fortune, said to be worth eighteen hundred per annum, with which she has recently purchased herself a Spanish cavalier for a husband. A curious anecdote is related of Moll and her once kind friend, the Marquis of W--------, who is said to have given her a bond for seven thousand pounds, on a certain great house, not a mile from Hyde-park corner, which he has since a.s.signed to a fortunate general, the present possessor; who, thinking his t.i.tle complete, proceeded to take possession, but found his entry disputed by the lady, to whom he was eventually compelled to pay the forfeiture of the bond. Come along, my boy,” said Lionise; ”I'll introduce you at once to the whole party, and then you can make your own selection.” ”Not at present: I came here for general observation, not private intrigue, and must confess I have seldom found a more diversified scene.”
”I beg pardon, gentlemen,” said an easy good-looking fellow, with something rather imposing in his manner--”Shall I intrude here?--will 'you permit me to take a seat in your box?” ”By all means,” replied I; Bob, at the same moment, pressing his elbow into my side, and the exquisite raising his gla.s.s very significantly to his eye, the stranger continued--”A very charming saloon this, gentlemen, and the company very superior to the general a.s.semblage at such places: my friend, the Earl of C------, yonder, I perceive, amorously engaged; Lord P------, too, graces the upper regions with the delightful Josephine: really this is quite the cafe royal of London; the accommodation, too, admirable--not merely confined to refreshments; I am told there are excellent billiard ~211~~ tables, and snug little private rooms for a quiet rubber, or a little chicken hazard. Do you play, gentlemen? very happy to set you for a main or two, by way of killing time.” That one word, play, let me at once into the secret of our new acquaintance's character, and fully explained the distant reception and cautious bearing of my a.s.sociates.
My positive refusal to accommodate produced a very polite bow, and the party immediately retired to reconnoitre among some less suspicious visitants. ”A nibble,” said Transit, ”from an ivory turner.”{5} ”By the honour of my ancestry,” said Lionise, ”a very finished sharper; I remember Lord F------ pointing him out to me at the last Newmarket spring meeting, when we met him, arm in arm, with a sporting baronet. What the fellow was, n.o.body knows; but he claims a military t.i.tle--captain, of course--perhaps has formerly held a lieutenancy in a militia regiment: he now commands a corps of sappers on the Greek staff, and when he honoured us with a call just now was on the recruiting service, I should think; but our friend, Heartly, here, would not stand drill, so he has marched off on the forlorn hope, and is now, you may perceive, concerting some new scheme with a worthy brother touter,{6} who is on the half pay of the British army, and receives full pay in the service of the Greeks. We must make a descent into h.e.l.l some night,”
said Transit, ”and sport a few crowns at roulette or rouge et noir, to give Heartly his degree. We shall proceed regularly upon college principles, old fellow: first, we will visit the Little Go in King-street, and then drop into the Great Go, alias Watiers, in Piccadilly; after which we can sup in Crockford's pandemonium among parliamentary pigeons, unfledged
5 A tats man, a proficient with the bones, one who knows every chance upon the dice.
6 A decoy, who seduces the young or inexperienced to the gaming table, and receives a per centage upon their losses.
~212~~ ensigns of the guards, broken down t.i.tled legs, and ci-devant bankers, fishmongers, and lightermen; and here comes the very fellow to introduce us--an old college chum, Charles Rattle, who was expelled Brazennose for smuggling, and who has since been pretty well plucked by merciless Greek banditti and Newmarket jockeys, but who bears his losses with the temper of a philosopher, and still pursues the destructive vice with all the infatuation of the most ardent devotee.” ”How d'ye do, old fellows?--how d'ye do? Who would have thought to have met the philosopher (pointing to me) at such a place as this, among the impures of both s.e.xes, legs and leg-ees? Come to sport a little blunt with the table or the traders, hey! Heartly? Always suspected you was no puritan, although you wear such a sentimental visage. Well, old fellows, I am glad to see you, however,--come, a bottle of Champagne, for I have just cast off all my real troubles--had a fine run of luck to-night--broke the bank, and bolted with all the cash. Just in the nick of time-off for Epsom to-morrow--double my bets upon the Derby, and if the thing comes off right, I'll give somebody a thousand or two to tie me up from playing again above five pounds stakes as long as I live. The best thing you ever heard in your life--a double to do. Ned C-----d having heard I had just received a few thousands, by the sale of the Yorks.h.i.+re acres, planned it with Colonel T----- to introduce me to the new club, where a regular plant was to be made, by some of his myrmidons, to clear me out, by first letting me win a few thousands, when they were to pounce upon me, double the stakes, and finish me off in prime style, fleecing me out of every guinea--very good-trick and tie, you know, is fair play--and for this very honest service, my friend, the colonel, was to receive a commission, or per centage, in proportion to my losses: the very last man in the world that the old pike could ~213~~ have baited for in that way--the colonel's down a little, to be sure, but not so low as to turn confederate to a leg--so suppressed his indignation at the proposition, and lent himself to the scheme, informing me of the whole circ.u.mstances--well, all right--we determined to give the old one a benefit--dined with him to-day--a very snug party--devilish good dinner--superb wines--drank freely--punished his claret--and having knocked about Saint Hugh's bones{7} until I was five thousand in pocket, politely took my leave, without giving the parties their revenge. Never saw a finer scene in the course of my life-such queer looks, and long faces, and smothered wailings when they found themselves done by a brace of gudgeons, whom they had calculated upon picking to the very bones!
Come, old fellows, a toast: Here's Fishmonger's Hall, and may every suspected gudgeon prove a shark.”
The bottle now circulated freely, and the open-hearted Rattle delighted us with the relation of some college anecdotes, which I shall reserve for a hearty laugh when we meet. The company continued to increase with the appearance of morning; and here might be seen the abandoned profligate, with his licentious female companion, completing the night's debauch by the free use of intoxicating liquors--the ruined spendthrift, fresh from the gaming-table, loudly calling for wine, to drown the remembrance of his folly, and abusing the drowsy waiter only to give utterance to his irritated feelings. In a snug corner might be seen a party of sober, quiet-looking gentlemen, taking their lobster and bucellas, whose first appearance would impress you with the belief of their respectability, but whom, upon inquiry, you would discover to be Greek banditti, retired hither to divide their ill gotten spoils. It was among a party of this description that Rattle pointed out a celebrated writer, whose lively style and accurate description of
7 Saint Hugh's bones, a cant phrase for dice.
~214~~ men and manners display no common mind. Yet here he was seen a.s.sociated with the most depraved of the human species--the gambler by profession, the common cheat! What wonder that such connexions should have compelled him for a time to become an exile to his country, and on his return involved him in a transaction that has ended in irretrievable ruin and disgrace? ”By the honour of my ancestry,” said Lionise, ”yonder is that delectable creature, old Crony, the dinner many that is the most surprising animal we have yet found among the modern discoveries--polite to and point--always well dressed--keeps the best society--or, I should say, the best society keeps him: to an amazing fund of the newest on dits and anecdotes of ton, always ready cut and dried, he joins a smattering of the cla.s.sics, and chops logic with the learned that he may carve their more substantial fare gratis; has a memory tenacious as a chief judge on matter of invitation, and a stomach capacious as a city alderman in doing honour to the feast; pretends to be a connoisseur in wines, although he never possessed above one bottle at a time in his cellaret, I should think, in the whole course of his life; talks about works of art and virtu as if Sir Joshua Reynolds had been his nurse--Claude his intimate acquaintance--or Praxiteles his great great grandfather. The fellow affects a most dignified contempt for the canaille, because, in truth, they never invite him to dinner--is on the free list of all the theatres, from having formerly been freely hiss'd upon their boards--a retired tragedy king on a small pension, with a republican stomach, who still enacts the starved apothecary at home, from penury, and liberally crams his voracious paunch, stuffing like Father Paul, when at the table of others. With these habits, he has just managed to sc.r.a.pe together some sixty pounds per annum, upon which, by good management, he contrives to live like an emperor; for instance, he keeps a regular book of ~215 invitations, numbers his friends according to the days of the year, and divides and subdivides them in accordance with their habits and pursuits, so that an unexpected invitation requires a reference to his journal: if you invite him for Sat.u.r.day next, he will turn to his tablets, apologise for a previous engagement, run his eye eagerly down the column for an occasional absentee, and then invite himself for some day in the ensuing week, to which your politeness cannot fail to accede. You will meet him in London, Brighton, Bath, Cheltenham, and Margate during the fas.h.i.+onable periods; at all of which places he has his stated number of dinner friends, where his presence is as regularly looked for as the appearance of the swallow.
Among the play men he is useful as a looker on, to make one at the table when they are thin of customers, or to drink a young one into a proper state for plucking: in other society he coins compliments for the fair lady of the mansion, extols his host's taste and good fellows.h.i.+p at table, tells a s.m.u.tty story to amuse the _bon vivants_ in their cups, or recites a nursery rhyme to send the children quietly to bed; and in this manner Crony manages to come in for a good dinner every day of his life. Call on him for a song, and he'll give you, what he calls, a free translation of a Latin ode, by old Walter de Mapes, Archdeacon of Oxford in the eleventh century, a true _gourmands_ prayer--
1 Mihi est propositum in taberna mon.'
I'll try and hum you Crony's English version of the CANTILENA.
'I'll in a tavern end my days, midst boon companions merry, Place at my lips a l.u.s.ty flask replete with sparkling sherry, That angels, hov'ring round, may cry, when I lie dead as door-nail, 'Rise, genial deacon, rise, and drink of the well of life eternal.'
~216~~ 'Various implements belong to ev'ry occupation; Give me an haunch of venison--and a fig for inspiration!
Verses and odes without good cheer, I never could indite 'em; Sure he who meagre, days devised is d-----d ad infinitum!