Part 29 (1/2)

CHARLES GREVILLE, _Diary_.

You women regard men just as you buy books--you never care about what is in them, but how they are bound and lettered.

_Damas_, in LORD LYTTON's _Lady of Lyons_.

_EPITAPH ON LORD L----._

Here lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder: He once was on the turf, and now is _under_.

SCROPE DAVIES, _apud_ MOORE.

_A SUITABLE BRIDE._

My friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the streets of ----, who said, after the usual salutations had pa.s.sed, ”They telt me, Admiral, that ye had got married.” The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, replied, ”Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me.”

On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity, replied, ”'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to a la.s.sie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit, _half-worn_ wumman wad be glad to tak ye.”

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

_ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS._

They come from the Lakes--an appropriate quarter For poems diluted with plenty of water.

REV. HENRY TOWNSHEND.

And I whispered, ”I guess The sweet secret thou keepest, And the dainty distress That thou wistfully weepest; And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly banns are the cheapest.”

Then her white hand I clasped, And with kisses I crowned it.

But she glared and she gasped, And she muttered, ”Confound it!”

Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of the omnibus drowned it.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Phantasmagoria_.

It was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very dull to her _when she got there; sitting on damp clouds_, and _singing ”G.o.d save the King,”_ being her idea of the princ.i.p.al amus.e.m.e.nts there.

f.a.n.n.y KEMBLE, _Record of a Girlhood_.

_ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS._

How wisely Nature, ordering all below, Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow!

For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill, Whose tongue would never let her chin be still?

ANON.

When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was heard crying out to him, ”Did your mother call you early, dear?”