Part 45 (1/2)

I have not been able to find anything to-day.

May 16th.

So long as I have thoughts I can write a journal; but while my life is that of an animal, it doesn't seem very necessary. I have always felt myself an outcast--a poet has to be that; but I never felt it quite so much as at present. I wander around from door to door; and those who have homes and money and power--they simply order me out of the way.

May 18th.

I do not think I can stand this much longer. I never had such a time before finding anything. I think my state must be written in my face--men no longer have any use for me.

I fear my coat is seedy. And I know my collar is soiled; but the two I left at the laundry won't be done till to-morrow.

I have broken my last two-dollar bill. I watch in terror for the next week--I can not face that woman again. I must save enough for that.

May 19th.

I applied for a position as office-boy to-day--I was desperate. I have not enough to last me through a week, if I pay the woman anything.

But they said I was too old.

My feet are most horribly sore. I can hardly walk. And I have the strangest ringing in my head. I could not eat any supper--and the milk won't keep in this warm weather, either.

May 22d.

The day before yesterday, when I woke up in the morning, I could hardly stand. My head was on fire, and I do not think I have ever been so sick before. I got around to a drug-store--the man said he would give me some powders; he said they were forty cents, but I dared not pay it. He gave them to me for a quarter. He said I should have a tonic, but I haven't had it.

I was too ill to move all day yesterday. I am better to-day, but still I daren't go out. I have only eighty-five cents left.

I must manage to get out and get some work to-morrow, or I shall go mad.

I had a scene with that horrible creature yesterday. It was the second week--she thought I was shamming, I know. She said she never allowed her ”roomers” to get behindhand--it was her invariable rule. O G.o.d, I was so sick I could scarcely see--I did not care what she did. I told her that I had no money; that I was waiting to get some work; that I would pay her the first moment I could.

”Why don't you keep work when you get it?” she demanded. ”You have been idle nearly all the whole time you've been here.”

I could not argue with her; she can turn me out when she likes.

May 24th.