Part 30 (2/2)

These thoughts took hold of me--they made my brain reel--and I cried aloud in excitement. I had not been so much awake since the day I came out of the woods! I said the word--I said it--the mad word that I had not heard for six long months--that I had not heard since I wrote the last lines of my poem and came back to the haunts of men. And I clinched my hands, and stamped upon the ground, and shouted: ”Come on! Come on!”--to the legions of my spirit. And it was like the taking flight of a great swarm of birds within me--a rus.h.i.+ng of wings and a surging upward, a singing for joy as of a symphony. And there was singing in my soul, the surge of it caught me--and I waved my arms and went striding on, shouting still, ”Come on!

Come on!--

”Now! _now_! We will have it out with them--here--_here_! We will fight our fight and win it, and they shall not turn us back--no, by G.o.d, they shall not! And they may take it as they please--my soul is free--_free_ once again! Away! _Away!_”

And I felt the breeze of the mountains about me, and heard the rus.h.i.+ng of the storm-wind and the trampling of the thunder. There awoke the old rush in my heart, the old Valkyrie music that flies over the forests and mountains. And I laughed as I sang it; I heard the war-horses neighing, and yelled to them--faster and faster--higher and higher--away from earth and all men!--

And then suddenly I felt some one seize me by the shoulder and shake me, and heard a gruff voice say: ”Here! Here! What's the matter with you?” And I stared, half-dazed. It was a big policeman, and around me I saw a sea of staring faces, wild-eyed children, women gazing in fright, boys jeering; and the windows were filled with yet another crowd!

”What's the matter with you?” demanded the policeman again. ”Are you drunk, or crazy!”

And then I realized. But the fire was still blazing in me, and a wild rage whirled over me. ”Then it is by this that I am to be stopped!” I gasped.

”By _this_! It is not possible after all, it seems; and I'm to be dragged back after all!--By Heaven, we'll see!”

And so I gave the cry again--the cry of the Valkyrs that is madness to me!

Do you not hear it?--and I was away again and free!

What does a man want for his soul, if it be not just to strive, and to be resisted, and still to strive? What difference makes anything else--time, place or conditions? I was myself again--and what else did I care about? I felt the policeman take me by the collar and march me down the street; but I hardly knew that--I was on the mountains, and I laughed and sang. The very hatefulness of what was about me was my desperation--I would make head against such things or I would die in the attempt! I would be free!--I would live! I would live my life; and not the life of these people about me! I would fight and win, I would hold fast my heart, I would be true though the heavens fell! I would have it out, then and there, as I said--I would not come back to earth until I was master of myself.

And so when I stood in the station-house and the sergeant asked me my name, I said: ”Desire is my name, and the soul is my home!” And then because they shook me and worried me, I stretched forth my arms and cried out: ”O G.o.d, my Father--thou who art my help and my life--thou soul of my soul--shall I go back for these things?--Shall I fear for these things? No, no--while I have life I will not! I will live for the truth, I will be crushed no longer!”

They led me to a cell, and when I heard the door shut I laughed like a madman for joy. And then--ah, then--who can tell it? They came--all my angels and all my demons! All my muses and all my nymphs! And the bases of the earth rocked and the heavens danced and sang; and I mounted on the wings of the ages, and saw the joys of the systems and the dancing of the young suns. Until I could bear it no more, and fell down and sobbed, and cried out to my soul that it was enough, enough!

And afterward I sat there on the stone floor, and ate bread and water and ambrosial peace; and a doctor came in to see me, and asked me who I was.

And I laughed--oh, who ever laughed like that? And I said, _”I am the author of The Captive!”_

He left me and I sat there, shaking my head and pounding the stone floor for joy. And I sang again, and sang again. Yes, the author of The Captive!

And captive myself, and free at last!

It was far into the night when I stopped singing; and then I lay down and never before had I known such peace; for I had found the way--I had seen the light--I was delivered from all fear and dulness for the rest of my days! I was so excited I could not sleep--when I fell asleep at last it was from sheer exhaustion.

And when they roused me the next morning I bounded to my feet like a shot, and shouted to my soul, and was up and away through the forest like a startled deer again! They tried their very best to catch me, but they could not. I had not lived in the woods for nothing, I knew the paths, I knew where the mountains were. And when they thought they had me in court, I was on the very summits--and laughing and drunk with the mountain air!

I have a keen sense of humor,--and of course I am never so drunk that I do not know I'm drunk, and know just what I'm drunk about--else how could I write poems about it? Do you think that when Shakespeare cried out his ”Blow ye winds and crack your cheeks!” he did not know just what he was saying? Ah!--And when I saw all these queer little men about me, staring and wondering--and so solemn!--I laughed the inextinguishable laughter of Olympus, and shouted so that they dragged me out of court in a hurry.

And then there came the end! They took me to the insane asylum, and I sat down on the floor of a cell and gazed at myself in amazement and panted: So there _is_ a way you can live, after all! There _is_ a way you can make them support you! There _is_ a way you can do all your work in peace, and wors.h.i.+p the Lord in the beauty of holiness! I could scarcely believe it all--it took half an hour for me to realize it. And then I shouted that I was saved!--and fell to work at shaping that mad Song of the West Wind I had been so full of.

And then suddenly I heard a m.u.f.fled voice say: ”What in the d.i.c.kens are you making all that rumpus for?” And I stared about me and saw that I was still crouching by the window in my room! And I shrank back and quivered with rage, because I knew that I had been making a noise and that some one out in the hall had been listening to me!

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