Volume III Part 1 (2/2)
Of my Adventure with Madam Taffetas the Widow, I a finally settled, and made the Happiest Man upon earth by my union with the departed Saint as the mother of my Lilias, it must be admitted that my commerce with the sex was mostly of the unluckiest description I have been used most sha how much felicity I was permitted to enjoy in my latter days ThisMadam Taffetas in a side box at Drury Lane play-house, She was pleased to accept my Addresses, and to inforree tasteful to her I entertained her very handsomely--indeed much beyond my means, for I was very heavily in debt for necessaries, and I could scarcely walk the streets without apprehensions of the grieant with his capias
Madaly well dressed, and, as I was given to understand, in very prosperous circun of The two Olive Posts, in the broad part of the Strand, ale, and sold all sorts of Italian Silks, lustrings, Satins, Paduasoys, Velvets, Das, Books of Essences, Venice Treacle, Balsams, Florence Cordials, Oil, Olives, Anchovies, Capers, Veres, Parmesan Cheese, Naples Soap, and sin parts All her friends put her down as a forty-thousand-pounder In Brief, she professed to be satisfied with oods I had none to offer her All congratulatedto make any unnecessary bustle about the affair, we took coach one fine Mondaydown to Fleet Market, and were married by a Fleet parson--none other, indeed, than e, who had taken to this way of life and found it very profitable,his twenty or thirty couple a week, when Business was brisk, at fees varying froundy to half a pint of Geneva But 'twas a rascally business, the venerable ood old days when he, and I, and Squire Pinchin, ether Alas, for that poor little one from bad to worse; that his Mamma had married a knavish lawyer, who so bewildered Mr Pinchin with Mortgages, and Deeds of Gift, and Loans at usurious interest, that he got at last the whole of his property froht hi him for three years locked up and half-starved in the Coement when the unhappy little est, and his wits always going a wool-gathering--went stark-staring mad, and was, by the City charity, removed to Bedla himself to be the Pope of Rome, with a paper-cap for a tiara, an ell-wand for a crosier, a blanket for a rochet, and bestowing his blessings on the other Maniacs with much force and vehemence; and there, poor demented creature, he died in the year 1740
Much better would it have been for ht off my Head and had been sent to howl in Bedlam, than that I should have married that same thievish catamaran, Madam Taffetas Surely never Madman deserved a Dark House and a Whip more than I did for that most foolishly contracted union I defy Calu false Representations in this matter I told her plainly that my Hand, Sword, and Deep Devotion were all I had to offer, and that for s, and pence, and other Mercantile Arrangements, I h I was then at a very Low Ebb, to defray the expenses of the wedding Treat, which was done most handsomely at the Bible and Crown, in Pope's Head Alley, Cornhill ”Now then,” I said to myself, as we came home towards the Strand (for ere resolved to have no foolish honey in the Country, but to remain in town and keep an eye to Business)--”now then, Jack Dangerous, thou art at last Married and Settled, and need trouble thyself noand bread-getting Thou art tiled-in handsoirt about with Comfort and Respectability
Thy hat is on, and thy house is covered” Alas, poor fool! alas, triply distilled zany and egregiously doting idiot! No sooner did a Hackney coach set us down at the Leghorn Warehouse in the broad part of the Strand, than we found Margery the reat confusion of tears on the threshold; and iet married, Bailiffs had made their entrance, and seized all the Merchandise for a bill owing by Madam Taffetas to her Factor of Seven Hundred Pounds The false Quean that I edded to was hopelessly bankrupt, and with the greatest impudence in the world she calls upon rin, that to their knowledge she owed much more than their Execution stood for, and that no doubt, so soon as it was bruited abroad that I was her Husband, the Sheriff of Middlesex would have soainst my person In vain did I Rave and Swear, and endeavour to show that I could in no way be held liable for Debts which I had never contracted Such, I was told, was the Law; and such it remains to this day, to the Great Scandal of justice, and the detriment of Gentlear Adventuresses whom they deem Gentlewomen of Property, and who turn out instead to be not worth two-pence-halfpenny in the world Nor ords wanting to add dire Insult to this astounding Injury; for Madaly re Pickthank, Low-minded Fortune-hunter, and the like unkind naerous indeed! But I am thankful to Providence that the title she assumed very soon fell away from her, and that I was once more left free and Independent For whilst ere in the very reat noise at the door as though soery theout Murder and thieves, and that they were undone, the Bailiffs sh they enjoyed the Hu to faint, and nowinto the roo Brute of a Man that was attired like a Sea Captain; and this Roystering Tarpaulin ives her two sounding Busses on either side of her cheeks, and salutes her as his wife
”Your wife!” I cried, starting up; ”why, she's , and to ar, at the Fleet”
”That ravity; ”but she's , you say
I o, at Horsleydown, and in the Parish church
I've got the 'Stifficate to prove it; and though I say it that shouldn't, there's not a Finer woman, with a neater ankle and such a Devil of a temper, to be found 'twixt Beachy Head and Cape Horn”
”A fig for both of you,” bellows Madaone into one of her Sham Faints in the arain ”If I'm married to both of you--to you, you pitiless Grampus”
(this was to the Sea Captain), ”and to you, Ruffian, Bully, and Stabster” (this was to _me_), ”I'm married to somebody else, and my real Husband is a Gentleman, who, if he were here, would quoit the pair of you into the street froe to the Fox under the Hill”
She said this in one Screaain
”Brother,” said the Sea Captain torave,--”brother, I think as how it's clear that we're both of us d--d fools, and d--d lucky fellows at the sauffaw
”_You_ belay,” re towards the ver to me), ”is the Press out?”
”What do you mean?” I inquired ”You know that there's no warrant for press-gangs in this part of the Liberties of Wested!” quoth the Sea Captain ”If there was any liberty, there couldn't be a press, for which I don't care a groat, for I'm a master mariner This is what I ? Are you trapped, brother? Are you in the bilboes? Are you in any danger of being put under hatches?”
”Why,” upspoke one of the Bailiffs, answering for eants, and haveto due writ of _fi fa_ of this worthy lady's goods We've nothing at all against the gentle; but as you said that you o, it's very likely that we, or so to say to you, in the form of parchment, between this and noon to-e Seaman ”You speak like a Man o' War's chaplain, soot ere a drop of ru here but some Three-Thread Swipes,” responds Mr
Bailiff; ”and, indeed, aiting until the gentle better”
”Then,” continues the Captain, ”you shall have soentles a crown to the shop-lad ”Youas ever you like, and -faced Nan,”--in this uncivil o to bed, or to the Devil, 'zactly as you choose, and settle your Business with the Bailiffs in the'zactly as you like And you and I, brother,” he wound up, taking o and take our grog and blow our baccy in peace and quietness, and thank the Lord for it”
All this he said with great thickness and indistinctness of utterance, but with an iravity of countenance I never saw a Man as manifestly so Drunk speak so sensibly, and behave himself in such a proper manner in my life
As he turned on his heel to leave the parlour where all this took place, I saw one of the Bailiffs rise stealthily as if to follow us
”Belay there!” the Captain cried, advancing hismanner ”Hold hard, shi+pmates I'm a peaceable man, and aboard they call me Billy the La about, or trying to find out where I and this noble gentle, I'm blest if I don't split your skull in tith this here speaking-tru tin tube, such as Mariners carry to enerally have aboard, and do not carry with them in their walks
The Bailiffs were sensible men, and forbore to intermeddle with us anynow about nine o'clock at night; and, upon my word, from that erous, or Blokes,--for the Sea Captain's name, he afterwards told me, was Blokes,--or whatever her real name was
It is very certain that she usedconfidence of one that was not only a Bachelor, but an Orphan