Part 22 (1/2)
”Anyone I know?” he asked.
”No. Someone outside work. We discussed the situation hypothetically.”
Even as I gave Phil this explanation, I felt a tinge of embarra.s.sment that I did not admit how completely wrong I had got things.
Why had I been so convinced that Elona was right and Mike wrong? Mike, if anything, had acted with remarkable restraint when I moved him to a new department. I took that as an indication of his guilt. It never crossed my mind for one second that he might actually be helping and protecting his accuser. In fact, he sacrificed his own interests to honour a promise to Elona. I had never met anybody willing to do that. It did not just add to my respect for him, it shamed me for the selfish way I conducted my life. In the pub, John said we only see what we are looking for. What an insight that is! I was only looking for things that confirmed Mikes guilt and Elonas innocence.
As I considered these thoughts, I reflected on my own behaviour. How many times had I taken the lead? Often. How many times had I made a pa.s.s at a man? I had lost count. I was a master at coaxing someone into making a pa.s.s and I suddenly realised how it is almost impossible for two people to get into an intimate situation without both parties actively considering a relations.h.i.+p.
In the past I had been hurt. My cavalier att.i.tude toward men, indeed my hostility toward them, was rooted in the pain of past rejection. Afterwards, I had judged all men harshly. It was only when I met John that I wanted to find a way out. My loneliness was largely a choice and not an accident or misfortune.
My fear of being intimate my fear of sharing thoughts and feelings began to fade when I met John. He taught me the value of being honest about my desires. My errors were born out of a desire to protect myself, to avoid the pain of rejection and avenge those who I thought were responsible. Can I forgive myself for not being perfect? Can I forgive myself for having fears? If shame and fear are the price of the warmth and desire I now feel, then it is a price worth paying. However imperfect, inconsistent, fearful and difficult they are, I want to know the people in my life better.
Phil waited patiently. Finally, I spoke.
”If he had not helped me understand my own prejudices, I might have been responsible for a tremendous injustice.”
I saw Phils eyebrows quickly rise and fall and he tried to form some words.
”I can only speak for myself,” he said. ”You should take some credit. I may be young, but Im old enough to have seen people dig themselves into an early grave through bitterness.”
I looked up at Phil.
”When did you become so wise?” I asked.
”We all have our cross to bear,” he said with just a hint of sadness.
It was strange to sit in my office exchanging these views with a person who just a few days earlier I would not have credited with sufficient experience or wisdom to handle a dispute. In this moment, I felt young next to him, and wondered what else I might have missed. The humility did me good. He grew in stature before my eyes. Perhaps I had as much to learn from him as he from me.
”Phil,” I said. ”I need your help again.”
”What did you have in mind?”
”Dyou remember that I asked you to find out about Mike a kind of necessary evil?”
”Yes.”
”I did so because Dave led me to think Mike might become a problem.”
Phil realised not only the extent to which I was about to take him into my confidence, but also the import of what I was about to suggest. I saw him momentarily shuffle uncomfortably.
”And now?” Phil asked.
”And now Im not sure who to believe,” I responded.
”Are you suggesting what I think?” queried Phil.
”We need to find out whether theres a reason for Daves animosity.”
”How?” Phil asked.
”Eyes and ears to the ground again. Not sure what else we can do because Ive no idea where to start.”
”Okay. Ill see what I can find out.”
This instant loyalty and acceptance of responsibility moved me so I felt it necessary to sound a note of caution.
”Phil,” I said pointedly, ”weve just poked around a number of peoples private lives and screwed them up. This isnt a seek and destroy mission, just a way to understand what happened.”
”I understand,” he replied.
”Theres one other thing,” I added.
”Whats that?”
I swallowed hard at the thought of what I was about to say.
”I am starting to fancy Mike like crazy. Do you think Im mad?”
Phils face broke into a broad smile.
”Come on, what dyou think?” I asked with urgency.
”I think,” Phil said with a momentary pause, ”that he is old enough to be your father....”
”Oh!” I said, somewhat deflated, but Phil put up his hand to indicate that I should stop talking.
”...and that hes also one h.e.l.l of a lucky guy.”
I was so chuffed that Phil said this that I was lost for words. Eventually, in a moment of blind instinct, I offered him my hand.
”Friends?” I said.
He took my hand and shook it firmly.
”Yes, of course!” he replied.
As I look back over my life now I can trace the start of my friends.h.i.+p with Phil to this meeting. The amount of goodwill that was generated between those four walls in a few minutes contributed to one of the best working partners.h.i.+ps I would ever have. It was a risk, much as John had taken a risk with me. The result would be one of the most enduring and loving relations.h.i.+ps I would ever have.
Chapter 35.
Later in the afternoon, I returned to Legal to collect the contract for Mike. I found that Dave had still not signed it. I guessed that Dave must be too busy to deal with it, so I took the contract to Harry, the companys managing director, and explained the situation. I admitted my mistake, but also said that the proposed settlement would ward off the possibility of litigation and save the company money in the long run. I added that Mike was doing a good job establis.h.i.+ng the new sales team and that any protracted dispute could have indirect costs that were unforeseeable. Harry accepted my comments with good grace.
”Quite a learning experience?” he asked.
”Youve no idea,” I answered.