Part 20 (2/2)

”When does he want to move in?”

”As soon as possible, I think. Hes shacked up at a hotel at the moment.”

Dave gave a small laugh. I dont know why, but I was immediately irritated. Why did he have to laugh like that? Why take pleasure at Mikes marriage breaking down? I didnt expect it of Dave.

”Thanks!” I said with as much sincerity as I could muster.

I downed my gin and tonic then went to the bar to get another round of drinks. I had not been to this place before so I cast my eyes around while waiting to be served. Most of the patrons were in their 30s and 40s. The tables were wooden. They had a natural look about them, not that ”manufactured to the nearest tenth of a millimetre” feeling. The edges were jagged and rough, and each table had a bowl in the middle that had the appearance of driftwood, filled with stones. On the wall, there was wood panelling, deliberately unvarnished to fit in with the tenor of the furnis.h.i.+ngs. I liked it.

Drinks in hand, I returned to the table and asked Dave again about the situation at home. He looked awkward and reticent, so I put my hand on his shoulder and encouraged him. His eyes looked down into his lap as he spoke.

”Shes deteriorating,” he said. ”They give her less than a month. The doctors want to talk to me tomorrow. Im dreading it.”

It was difficult to respond. I thought about trying to show deep sympathy, but it was impossible for me to feign feelings that I didnt have. Certainly I cared, but doing the ”there, there” routine just was not me. I thought of my father. He had an expression, drawn from his love of cricket: ”playing a straight bat”.

”What will you say?” I finally responded.

He looked up. I dont think he expected me to ask such a question.

”Er....Im.....Im......” he stopped for a moment.

”Youll have to tell them something, Dave,” I continued.

He looked pained and I could not really work out why. Not having had a lover or even a family member in this situation, I wondered if I was being insensitive. The problem, however, was that I didnt know how else to be.

”Im......Im......”

I began to grow tired of his hesitation, but I tried not to show it.

”.....torn!”

Finally!

”What are you torn about?”

He gave me a look that was puzzling, as if he thought I might be slightly mad.

”Im torn between helping her die and keeping her alive,” he responded brusquely, as if he had noticed my p.r.i.c.kliness and was responding with some of his own.

”Im sorry, Dave, of course!” I felt a bit of a twit but then some words emerged from my mouth that I wished had remained in the darkness of my mind.

”Might it be kinder to let her die?”

He looked at me and I saw tears form in his eyes. I surely should have felt more sympathy for him, but for some reason he was irritating me. For someone approaching forty, he sure was immature. And yet, even as I had these thoughts I heard my fathers voice. 'Whats the deeper meaning here, Penny? I kept asking myself 'why dont I feel more sympathy? Why? The right thing to do at this moment would have been to put my arms around him. I could see his face growing red. A few days ago, I had no problem comforting him. Why was I putting up barriers now?

These thoughts swirled around in my head. I traced my mind back and suddenly realised that his moment of mirth at Mikes situation really infuriated me. But why? ”What is the deeper meaning here?” I kept asking myself. There in my mind was my father smiling at me, encouraging me to reflect. Suddenly, the awful realisation hit me. I was evaluating them, deciding which of them would get my sympathy.

When the meeting with Mike had concluded, he found it in him to pay me a compliment. ”I can see why Dave hired you,” he had said. He had every reason to hate me, but instead he appreciated me. It was generous and I kept thinking I had completely misjudged him. I didnt feel worthy of his respect. The moment Dave took pleasure at Mikes misfortune he lost my respect.

So I sat there and found myself no longer wanting to comfort Dave. I even started to wonder if Dave was playing the sympathy card. Even as I chastised myself for being so uncharitable, I kept asking myself why I felt more sympathy for Mike than Dave. After all, I hardly knew Mike. Why did it matter? Dave broke the silence.

”I dont want to admit that it would kinder to let her die. I cant bear the thought of losing her.”

As he said this, I saw his eyes furtively look at mine. That didnt seem right. He was watching me to see how these lines played. I continued with a straight bat.

”It would be kinder, wouldnt it?”

Daves eyes were on me now as we talked and I felt increasingly self-conscious.

”Yes. Unbearable. But kinder!”

It felt incongruous that he was looking deep into my eyes while talking about his wife dying. I fought a gut instinct to get up and walk out. I stopped looking at him but then he spotted my awkwardness.

”Penny? Are you okay?”

I was not sure what to say. I couldnt tell him how I was feeling. My sense of urgency was growing.

”I feel a bit unwell,” I said hurriedly. ”Just need to go to the loos and then Ill be back. Wait here,” I said.

”Okay,” he replied.

As I started to get up, I felt his hand touch my back and my body reacted like it had received an electric shock. I was sure he sensed my tension because his hand dropped and eyes looked away. It was an instant reaction and both of us realised what it meant. I made my way to the toilets and lingered there for as long as I could without appearing rude. When I came out, I grabbed my gla.s.s and tried to smile.

”Look, Dave, Ive had a really long day and my stomach does not feel good. I appreciate you meeting me and going through things. Ill come in early and sort the stuff out with you. It went really well tonight. You were a star. Book some time off and spend it with your wife. Grab every moment you can.”

I was talking too quickly. Even so, he did not challenge me and just kept nodding.

”Okay, Pen, okay. Dyou want me to walk you back?”

”No, no!” I said too quickly. ”Its okay. Ive drunk too much. Ill get a cab. Pick the car up tomorrow.”

I looked at the table and saw that he had nearly a whole pint to drink up.

”Perhaps, you should do the same!” I blurted out.

”Ill do that!” he replied.

”Okay, then. Ill see you in the morning. Dont stay up too late, will you?”

”No, I wont”

”Bye.”

<script>