Part 13 (1/2)

”Oh, I can see that alright. She is of great concern to you. And what about Nathan? What about me? Are you concerned about us too?”

”What? What on earth are you going on about?” If looks could have killed, then Mike would have been dead on the floor in an instant.

”Im asking you why you only seem concerned to protect Elona?”

”You arrogant b.a.s.t.a.r.d. She is the one who is distressed and somewhere in this heap of s.h.i.+t Nathan or you did something to cause that distress. You are not going to wriggle out of this.”

”And what did Nathan tell you?” he asked.

I resented him asking all the questions, but I did not know how to respond. ”He would not talk. He seemed to think that I dont know what Im talking about.”

Mike gave a small laugh.

”Whats so funny?” I said angrily.

”Because hes right.”

”You think you are so f.u.c.king clever! Well, not this time. One of you is going to answer for Elonas distress. One of you is going to answer for what happened.”

Suddenly, Mike snapped and shouted at me in a way that reverberated in the marrow of my bones.

”You stupid woman!”

I was bright red with anger and started to defend myself.

”You s.e.xist b.a.s.t.a.r.d..... my being a woman has nothing to do with it.......”

Mike, however, pointed an accusing finger at me and carried on.

”Its got everything to do with it. Did it ever occur to you that it might be Elona who made a pa.s.s at Nathan? Did it ever occur to you that Nathan was the one receiving unwanted attention? Did it ever occur to you that Elona might have made accusations because she felt rejected and hurt? No, not for one second!”

He paused for a moment and seemed to calm down. I was so shocked that I did not know what to say. After a moment, Mike got ready to speak again. This time, his voice was much calmer but the words cut into me and I felt a s.h.i.+ver run through my body.

”Tell me, Penny,” he said as he fixed his gaze on me, ”have you ever made a pa.s.s at a man?”

Then he calmly walked out of the room.

There have only been a few occasions in my life when I have been completely lost for words. This was one of them. It took me a full 10 minutes to calm down and regain my composure, during which time Phil remained seated. I looked at the cold cup of tea on my desk and gave a short laugh. What had just happened? I looked up at Phil and beckoned him over to my desk. He came over slowly looking as shaken and as shocked as me.

”Sit down,” I said. ”Tell me honestly, Phil,” I asked, ”What dyou think of what he just said?”

Phil looked uncomfortable. His mouth opened several times without any words coming out. He found it difficult to look at me, and his hands fidgeted on his knees. With his eyes fixed on the desk, he eventually ventured an opinion.

”Mikes an awkward b.u.g.g.e.r, isnt he?”

I grabbed my head with both hands.

”What a mess. What a total f.u.c.king mess! Call Mike and tell him that I want him back here at 10am tomorrow.”

Phil looked at me and nodded slowly.

Chapter 20.

When I was young, my father told me that my instincts and emotions were my greatest a.s.sets. He was an unusual man. While many people, particularly men, put great stock in objectivity and science, my father was quite different. I think it was his career inside the civil service that inclined him towards a political way of thinking, including a view that science was rarely scientific. He argued that science was always oriented towards a political goal, even if that goal was a modest one such as building the scientists reputation. As such, he had a strong spiritual side that, if not religious, was imbued with deeply human values.

Emotion, he would say, is the key to a deeper understanding. Scientists, he argued, were doing themselves a disservice when they argued that emotion had no place in science. He would ask me why I enjoyed learning some things but not others. He would ask me why I liked some people and not others. Intertwined in our deliberations, he always pressed me to talk about the underlying reason for my interest in something. Together we had many conversations in which we traced my interest back to an emotional experience or aspiration. His words echoed in my head.

”When we are interested in something, Penny, it is because it moves us emotionally. We dont study a subject because it is intrinsically interesting if that were true then everybody would be interested in the same things. We study something because it is interesting to us. It is interesting to us because it is meaningful.

”Dont you find it strange when people talk about being motivated? They talk as if the thing that motivates them is outside themselves. So strange. Emotion is what drives us! When people say we should not let emotion affect our judgement they forget that its emotion that inclines us to make a judgement in the first place.

”Just look at what we do when we desire someones attention. We open our mind to their views, become more willing to learn things they are interested in, more willing to change our own values. We may find ourselves learning new skills, studying new things in order to impress them. Our behaviour and feelings can change dramatically. And the reverse! What monsters we can be when we dont want a relations.h.i.+p. Were at our most cruel when trying to get people out of our lives.”

Despite his slightly pompous manner, my love for him grew with the conviction that there was wisdom in his words. My mother, on the other hand, would often walk out of the room and leave us to it. She said my father talked twaddle about s.e.x. I disliked her for that she seemed to deliberately misunderstand him - and this was one of the reasons she and I argued throughout my teens. To me, my father was, and is, more humane than anyone else Ive met.

Why does this situation with Elona and Mike make me so angry? Why does Mike rub me up the wrong way? What is the deeper truth here? Is my past coming back to haunt me? My father would say that if I want to hurt someone it is because they have hurt me. Has Mike hurt me? Maybe it was the other way around. Had I hurt him and he was now trying to get back at me? My emotions did not settle and Mikes words kept echoing in my head.

”Did it ever occur to you that Nathan was the one who was receiving unwanted attention?”

Had I considered this? It was an unfair question, I felt. It was only the previous day that I had learned there was a Nathan at all. I had no feelings about him except as yet another person who was adding to Elonas distress. I tossed and turned throughout the night and in every configuration, I could not make the pieces fit the puzzle.

Elona would not make up an accusation like this, would she? I couldnt buy Mikes view that Elona was the protagonist here. It made no sense. Whenever I met her, she was quiet and scared. She was as introverted as any person I had ever met. Would a person like that make a move on Nathan? I did not see how it was possible.

And yet, even as I had these thoughts, my emotions kept on churning. Am I reacting to my own past? I can feel Elonas hurt. I empathise with her. I may have the veneer of confidence, but underneath I understand how it feels to be crushed by the weight of male attention. We either buckle under the weight or kick back.

In my first year at university, I felt used by men. At first I was flattered. It was exciting, then confusing, and finally annoying. My father helped me look at these as learning experiences. Eventually, I committed to one lad, but later he cheated on me and I was crushed. I fell apart and he quickly left me for someone else. So, I decided that Id never again be a shrinking violet. I would have the men I chose, not those that chose me. I would no longer wait for a man to make up my mind, I would make up my own.

Is my past affecting me now? Can I really understand her? For the first time I am having real doubts. Do I understand what she is going through?

I thought of Mike. Encountering him up close was disturbing me. He is a good-looking man. Even at his age, I can see why young women might be attracted to him. It is quite possible that Elona likes him more than shes saying. All the other women seem to like Mike. Hes strong too. Both mentally and physically.

I thought of John. Maybe he could help. He might have some words of wisdom for me so I called him.

”Hi, Penny,” he said brightly as he answered the phone.

”Hi, John,” I replied.

As if by instinct, he immediately sensed concern in my voice.

”Whats up?” he asked. ”Are you still troubled by the weekend?”

The weekend? That seemed like a lifetime ago.

”Good lord, no!” I laughed. As I did so, the burden of the last few hours seemed to lift instantly.

”Thats my girl” he responded.