Part 10 (2/2)

”The answer is 'Yes, but not when Im making love to my wife.”

I felt a peculiar sensation; a deep pleasure that he thought of me s.e.xually, but disappointment that he mentioned his wife. Clearly he wanted me to know that I would not take her place.

”Your turn,” he said, reminding me of the pact.

I hesitated. I shuddered because I realised why Id asked him this question. I wanted to tell him I fantasised about him. I wanted to tell him about the night before, about the way things had unfolded. I tensed, and he noticed immediately and took my hands again.

”Last night.....” I stopped and looked down into my lap.

”Last night?” he queried.

I could feel the emotion rising in me again. I was not sure if I had the courage to say it. I closed my eyes and summoned my strength. Was this going to lead to disaster? I wanted to tell him. I wanted to share this, but I did not want him to reject me.

”I....,” my hands started to shake.

”Penny, Penny. You dont need to say it.”

I never trusted anyone so why did I want to trust him? What was I doing here with him? He was married and we were holding hands in a restaurant while his family was a hundred miles away. This was crazy. I wanted to share my humiliation with him, to tell him the part he had played in it. What if he was angry? What if I spoiled the whole day? What if it ruined our friends.h.i.+p?

”I....,” but I stopped again.

”You dont need to say it,” he repeated.

I made an attempt at a smile, but it was not a very convincing one.

I felt the tears fill my eyes again and I looked up at him. He gave my hands a little squeeze to keep me rea.s.sured. My whole body was rigid, tears were dripping down my face, and I shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I had never talked like this with anyone, not my sister, not my mother, not my father or any of my boyfriends. I looked up, letting the tears roll. I could not say the words. I just could not. John got up from his seat, came around to my side of the table and pulled up his chair. He put his right arm around my back, and stroked my cheek with his left hand. Through my sobs I suddenly heard the sound of my own voice.

”It was awful. ....as he was f.u.c.king me I started to think of you, and then I blurted out your name.”

”s.h.i.+t! I bet that cooled his ardour,” he said with a laugh.

I laughed, with relief mostly. I laughed and suddenly I felt it was okay to carry on.

”You bet it did. He got really mad at me. And then he left. And...and...”

His hand was rubbing my back and it felt lovely.

”...I felt so alone. Im so sorry I rang you. I cant believe Im telling you this. I should not be telling you this.”

”Why?” he asked.

”Why?” I said with astonishment.

”Yes, why?” he asked again.

”Are you crazy? Youre married and Im pouring out these feelings to you. I shouldnt be saying this.”

”So weve broken the rules. Big deal. Youre attracted to me. Im attracted to you. I like that its honest. People normally make each other miserable because they cant express or share the simplest feelings.”

He paused.

”That took courage, didnt it?”

”More than youll ever know,” I responded.

I was not sure where to go from here but it did not matter because he carried on talking.

”Somebody once said to me that there is no such thing as a non-s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p between a man and a woman. There are only s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps where they agree not to have s.e.x.”

There was a prolonged silence during which neither of us dared to ask the question that was on both our minds.

”I love it that you are attracted to me,” he finally said.

”Why?” I asked with genuine curiosity.

”Because my fantasies will be much more exciting now!”

I laughed again. How did he make this happen? How did he take my troubles away at the very moment I felt more vulnerable than ever before?

”I cant believe how close I feel to you,” I said.

He was quiet for a while and just rocked me in his arms. It was my turn to break the silence.

”I feel a bit better.”

”Thank you,” he said.

He was so strange. Why was he thanking me for sobbing all over him?

”What for?”

”For sharing this.”

”You are really weird,” I said.

”I tried Mr Normal,” he interjected, ”but I couldnt keep it up!”

I shook my head as my smile returned.

”And thank you,” I said at last.

”Youre welcome,” he responded.

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