Part 26 (1/2)
Damien couldn't find out like this, and I needed quietness. The chattering noises in my ears were too much to bear.
After several minutes pa.s.sed, I released a shaky lungful of air. The pressure in my head was beginning to subside. I blinked a few times to clear the haze out of my vision, and I came face-to-face with Damien. The concern and utter terror etched on his face made my heart falter an unsteady beat. Hidden beneath those heartfelt emotions, I could sense his unmistakable hurt.
”I'm taking you to the hospital, Raelyn,” he stated.
”I don't need one,” I replied barely above a murmur. I already had a doctor, so I wasn't going to the emergency room to be poked and prodded.
It was time to acknowledge that I needed to place a call to Dr. Enright. The Mexican food, the night at FireSide Bar, this morning, all the nausea or headaches-none of it could be brushed off as a fluke incident. And I couldn't ignore the conclusion of where my symptoms were stemming from. Something was wrong with me, and I needed to accept the truth staring me in the face.
Damien intently eyed me. ”Then, you are coming home with me, so we can talk while I keep a close eye on you without any interruptions. And when we're finished, I'll be the one to decide if you need to go to the ER or not.” A muscle in his jaw constricted. ”Please don't waste your energy arguing with me because there is no f.u.c.king way that I'm letting you out of my sight.”
A small part of me wanted to protest to delay the inevitable conversation I needed to have with him, yet the other part knew my time had run out. He needed and deserved my honesty.
”All right,” I agreed with a simple nod, biting back tears.
Then, I was in his arms where I prayed I could remain forever.
Damien and I were in his living room. I was standing by the couch, too nervous to sit. Damien stood at the window and gazed out at the ocean. It reminded me of the first day I'd met him in the office conference room-the way he'd rested his arm on the window frame while looking outside, the way his eyes had appeared troubled when he finally turned to face me, as if his mind were completely somewhere else.
I let out a grave sigh, realizing one always thought about the beginning at the end.
Damien broke the tense silence first. ”Why do people keep saying you're sick, Raelyn?” He didn't pause for me to answer. ”First, Cale said it in the bar that night you confronted him about stealing from me, and then your ex-fiance-who I hadn't even known existed until today-mentioned it.” He dragged his hand through his hair.
A sense of dread overcame me when he still refused to look at me.
”Because I am.” I closed my eyes and fought for hope. Then, I remembered I had no concrete answers yet, so I corrected my error, ”I mean, I was.”
”You are, or you aren't?” His voice was full of hurt, as though I'd kept a dear secret from him and deceived him.
And to me, I had.
”Pick one, Raelyn. And I want the truth.”
”I've been in remission for almost seven months.” I forced each word out.
With an unhurried pace, he pivoted to stare at me. The agony in his eyes was more than my heart could bear.
”And now?” he choked out. His voice was as broken as I felt inside at the idea of losing him.
The sight of Damien with tears in his eyes had my heart free-falling into the pit of my stomach. I was terrified of my future-or the possibility of not having one at all.
”Now, I think it's back,” I cried.
He let my admission dangle in the air between us before he quietly spoke, ”I'm in love with you, Raelyn.” He gave me a small smile before his expression filled with uncertainty. ”Yet you can't even share your secrets with me. So, how can there be love without trust?”
”The same reason I can love you and all your secrets.” I stepped toward him on shaky legs, unwilling to accept the doubt in his voice and the unsaid distance he was putting between us. ”You haven't exactly been forthcoming with your past either.”
”That's just it, Raelyn. Mine are in my past-where they belong and where they'll stay. My past has no place in my future.”
My body sagged in defeat at his response, wanting to give up. I wasn't sure how I'd expected our discussion to go, but it wasn't like this.
”Yeah, well, I wish mine could be in the past, too. But I don't get that choice, do I?” I spit, angered by the gravity of my statement, as my walls came cras.h.i.+ng down around me.
I'd had no business falling in love. It wasn't fair to Damien or myself to give our hearts to one another when I had no idea what lay ahead of me.
Now, I was the one putting s.p.a.ce between us as I spun around on my feet and walked away, too overcome with my own grief and reservations.
”Where are you going?” he demanded at my back. ”You don't get to walk away from me. Not now, Raelyn.”
I drew my own conclusions as to why we'd kept so many things from one another. I began to shake as I gazed at him over my shoulder. ”You're right, Damien.” Tears streamed down my face. ”I don't need you to trust me with your past, and you don't belong in my future. Our secrets seem to be our own worst nemeses. I didn't share mine with you.” Tears gushed down my face, and I struggled to make eye contact with him. ”Because I didn't want to see that look you are giving me right now. I don't want your pity any more than you want mine.”
I didn't wait for his response as I ran up the curvy staircase and turned to the right toward an open door. It was a loft with a navy-blue love seat. I entered the room and threw myself onto the cus.h.i.+ons, well aware that I'd left a desolate and confused Damien standing in the living room.
Alone.
I felt my body being lifted into strong arms as I came to.
”I'm still mad at you, you know.” I sniffled angrily into his chest as emotions attacked me from all sides. Deep down, I knew I wasn't mad at him. I was furious with my body.
”You can be upset with me all you like, gorgeous girl.” He kissed my temple as he sauntered down the hallway to his room. ”But the woman who owns my heart and every other f.u.c.king piece of me will sleep in my bed”-he gently laid me down on it and kissed my lips-”and in my arms where I can feel her heart beating against my own, so I can remember that, no matter what life brings our way, she's still mine.”
His words brought on an onslaught of new emotions.
”I'm so sorry.” I sobbed uncontrollably. ”I should have told you sooner, but I couldn't.”
”As am I, Raelyn.” He brushed his thumb across my right brow while lovingly gazing at me. ”There are many things about myself that I haven't shared with you either. I promise that, someday soon, when I'm ready, I will.”
”I'm scared,” I admitted, overwhelmed by the outcome of our future.
”I am, too,” he agreed softly, reaching behind him to pull his s.h.i.+rt over his head before tossing it onto the floor. ”I promise you, not even my scars that tarnish my flesh and haunt the deepest parts of my heart and soul will keep me from loving you.”
My vision went fuzzy with my tears. Then, I cried harder at the idea of not being able to see the man who I loved with my heart, body, and soul even though he was right in front of me. It gave me a small inkling of what it would feel like to lose him completely.
I wouldn't survive without him.
A deeply excruciating agony seized every cell in my body, and it wrapped around my heart, stabbing at it, piercing me. I'd never experienced such anguish in my life.
”Stay with me, Raelyn,” he demanded softly, pulling me out of my reverie.
Just like that, he'd brought me back.
With our faces inches apart, he continued, ”I'll be d.a.m.ned before I let any kind of illness take you from me. We are going to beat our demons together. You and me, together-that's the only way it will ever be.” He took my hands in his and guided them up over his shoulders. ”Touch me, Raelyn. Take my strength, and use it as your own.”
He was finally giving me what I'd longed for, yet I couldn't bring myself to move my hands in fear of causing him pain.
”What?” I slowly shook my head. ”I don't want to hurt you.”
”You won't.” He placed a tender kiss on my lips. ”The only thing that has the power to hurt me, Raelyn, is the thought of not having you.”
The severity of his statement penetrated my soul, and I knew he deserved my honesty before I could hold him to his declaration.