Part 69 (1/2)

Jill hesitated.

”Wally, you wouldn't want me to marry you if you knew you weren't the only man in the world that mattered to me, would you?”

They had reached Sixth Avenue before Wally replied.

”No!” he said.

For an instant, Jill could not have said whether the feeling that shot through her like the abrupt touching of a nerve was relief or disappointment. Then suddenly she realized that it was disappointment.

It was absurd to her to feel disappointed, but at that moment she would have welcomed a different att.i.tude in him. If only this problem of hers could be taken forcefully out of her hands, what a relief it would be. If only Wally, masterfully insistent, would batter down her hesitations and _grab_ her, knock her on the head and carry her off like a caveman, care less about her happiness and concentrate on his own, what a solution it would be.... But then he wouldn't be Wally....

Nevertheless, Jill gave a little sigh. Her new life had changed her already. It had blunted the sharp edge of her independence. To-night she was feeling the need of some one to lean on--some one strong and cosy and sympathetic who would treat her like a little girl and s.h.i.+eld her from all the roughness of life. The fighting spirit had gone out of her, and she was no longer the little warrior facing the world with a brave eye and a tilted chin. She wanted to cry and be petted.

”No!” said Wally again. There had been the faintest suggestion of a doubt when he had spoken the word before, but now it shot out like a bullet. ”And I'll tell you why. I want _you_--and, if you married me feeling like that, it wouldn't be you. I want Jill, the whole Jill, and nothing but Jill, and, if I can't have that, I'd rather not have anything. Marriage isn't a motion-picture close-up with slow fade-out on the embrace. It's a partners.h.i.+p, and what's the good of a partners.h.i.+p if your heart's not in it? It's like collaborating with a man you dislike.... I believe you wish sometimes--not often, perhaps, but when you're feeling lonely and miserable--that I would pester and bludgeon you into marrying me.... What's the matter?”

Jill had started. It was disquieting to have her thoughts read with such accuracy.

”Nothing,” she said.

”It wouldn't be any good,” Wally went on, ”because it wouldn't be _me_. I couldn't keep that att.i.tude up, and I know I should hate myself for ever having tried it. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do to help you, though I know it's no use offering to do anything. You're a fighter, and you mean to fight your own battle. It might happen that, if I kept after you and badgered you and nagged you, one of these days, when you were feeling particularly all alone in the world and tired of fighting for yourself, you might consent to marry me. But it wouldn't do. Even if you reconciled yourself to it, it wouldn't do. I suppose the cave-woman sometimes felt rather relieved when everything was settled for her with a club, but I'm sure the caveman must have had a hard time ridding himself of the thought that he had behaved like a cad and taken a mean advantage. I don't want to feel like that. I couldn't make you happy if I felt like that.

Much better to have you go on regarding me as a friend ... knowing that, if ever your feelings do change, that I am right there, waiting....”

”But by that time _your_ feelings will have changed!”

Wally laughed.

”Never!”

”You'll meet some other girl....”

”I've met every girl in the world! None of them will do!” The lightness came back into Wally's voice. ”I'm sorry for the poor things, but they won't do! Take 'em away! There's only one girl in the world for me--oh, confound it! why is it that one always thinks in song-t.i.tles! Well, there it is. I'm not going to bother you. We're pals. And, as a pal, may I offer you my bank-roll?”

”No!” said Jill. She smiled up at him. ”I believe you would give me your coat if I asked you for it!”

Wally stopped.

”Do you want it? Here you are!”

”Wally, behave! There's a policeman looking at you!”

”Oh, well, if you won't! It's a good coat, all the same.”

They turned the corner and stopped before a brown-stone house, with a long ladder of untidy steps running up to the front door.

”Is this where you live?” Wally asked. He looked at the gloomy place disapprovingly. ”You do choose the most awful places!”

”I don't choose them. They're thrust on me. Yes, this is where I live.

If you want to know the exact room, it's the third window up there over the front door. Well, good night.”

”Good night,” said Wally. He paused. ”Jill.”