Part 22 (1/2)

CULCH. They won't know it was not intentional. And I think, Podbury, we should go on--er--a.s.serting ourselves a little while by holding rather aloof. It will show them that we don't mean to put up with----

[Ill.u.s.tration: ”HI! OTEZ-MOI CECI!”]

PODB. Don't see that either. Not going to let that beast, Van Boodeler, have it _all_ his own way!

CULCH. Surely you know he decided suddenly to stay at Vicenza? He said so at breakfast. But I will _not_ have your friend Bob perpetually----

PODB. At breakfast? Oh, I came down late. Vicenza, eh? Then _he's_ out of it! Hooray! But as for Bob, _he's_ all right too. Oh, I forgot you cut _dejeuner_. Hypatia had another squabble with Miss Trotter, and poor old Bob got dragged into it as usual, and now they ain't on speaking terms.

CULCH. (_overjoyed_). You don't say so! Then all _I_ can say, Podbury, is that if we two can't manage, in a place like this, to recover all the ground we have lost----

PODB. More water than ground in a place like this, eh? But _I_ know what you mean--we _must_ be duffers if we don't leave Venice engaged men--which we're not as yet, worse luck!

CULCH. No--but we _shall_ be, if we only insist upon being treated seriously.

PODB. She treats me a devilish deal _too_ seriously, my boy. But there, never mind--things will go better now!

SCENE--_A double-bedded room in the Grand Hotel Dandolo, which_ PODBURY _and_ CULCHARD _have to share for the night._

PODB. (_from his bed, suspiciously, to_ CULCHARD, _who is setting fire to a small pastille in a soap-dish_). I say, old chappie, bar _fireworks_, you know! What the deuce _are_ you up to over there?

CULCH. Lighting a ”fidibus.” Splendid thing to drive out mosquitoes.

(_The pastille fizzes, and begins to emit a dense white smoke, and a suffocating odour._)

PODB. (_bounding_). Mosquitoes! It would drive a _dragon_ out. Phew--ah!

(CULCHARD _closes the window_.) You _don't_ mean to say you're going to shut me up in this infernal reek on a stifling night like this?

CULCH. If I didn't, the mosquitoes would come in again.

PODB. Come in? With that pastille doing the young Vesuvius! _Do_ you think a mosquito's a born fool? (_He jumps out and opens the window._) I'm not going to be smoked like a wasp's nest, _I_ can tell you!

CULCH. (_calmly shutting it again, as_ PODBURY _returns to bed_). You'll be grateful to me by-and-by.

[_Slips between his mosquito curtains in a gingerly manner, and switches off the electric light. A silence._

PODB. I say, you ain't asleep, are you? Think we shall see anything of them to-morrow, eh?

CULCH. See? I can _hear_ one singing in my ear at this moment.

(_Irritably._) You _would_ open the window!

PODB. (_sleepily_). Not mosquitoes. I meant Hypatia, and the--haw--yaw--Trotters.

CULCH. How can _I_ tell? (_Second silence._) Podbury! What did I _tell_ you? One's just bitten me--the _beast_! (_He turns on the light, and slaps about frantically_). I say, I can hear him buzzing all over the place!

PODB. So can I hear _you_ buzzing. How the d.i.c.kens is a fellow to get to sleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?

CULCH. He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn off the light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (_To_ Mosquito.) You brute! (_To_ PODB.) Podbury, _do_ switch off the light--like a good fellow!

PODB. (_dreamily_). Gla.s.s up, Gondolier ... stifling in this cab ...